JUST BECAUSE I'M NOT FAT DOESN'T MEAN I'M ANOREXIC!
First off i apologize for last night's post - it probably didn't make much sense lol too many vodkas.
I was up early today as i had a hospital appointment. Opened my bag and found Richard's lighter in there - doh! Mum's going out tonight, so i rang him when he was on his lunch to see if he wanted to come round - i'm not expecting anything to happen but could do with the company.
The hospital appointment wasn't good - although i was expecting the outcome. I'm not ill - i went because lol i was worried about the size of my boobs. I mean, i have no boobs, Keria Knightley is a 36DD compared to me. But apparently, the consultant said there is breast tissue there, and they most probably aren't going to grow anymore (i'm about a 30-32AA cup), and the only way to make them larger would be surgery - which i don't even consider an option at the moment. I feel that i would find it harder to deal with the idea of having something alien inside my chest, than dealing with not having any boobs. I burst into tears when my mum and i came out of the hospital (thank God she was there). I know it's stupid to get hung up about something so superficial, but i just don't feel like a woman. I'm 19 and i don't have a woman's body and because of that, i feel i'm undesirable.
What REALLY pisses me off is when you read women's magazines and the emphasis is always on losing weight or whatever. Even interviews with men, they still manage to sneak in a comment like "i think skinny women are ugly" or "they aren't real women". I know they are trying to appeal to the majority, but it is so hurtful. We are not all Nicole Ritchie, we are not all starving ourselves.
JUST BECAUSE I'M NOT FAT DOESN'T MEAN I'M ANOREXIC!
Reminds me of that badge they were selling in a shop in Mallorca, that said: "I'M NOT SKINNY YOU FAT BASTARDS".
I'm so fed up of looking like a child. I went to do some retail therapy, but i should have known i would feel worse and being tiny, SIZE ZERO isn't in the shops anymore which i think is unfair. Why is that you can't be really skinny - even if you can't help it - because it's "dangerous to your health" but you can be a size 35 through choice - which is more dangerous to your health - and still be catered for?? What's happening to the world??
I know i will feel better about my body eventually - and i know i would rather have no boobs than huge boobs that give me back ache etc. And i'd rather be skinny than massive. I'd just like to look like i'm old enough to be doing the things i'm doing.
Oh well, Rich said he would ring me later and let me know if he was coming round. He probably won't come round. He probably won't even ring me. But no matter, i bought 'The Naked Gun' trilogy today, and i reckon that and a box of chocolates should do me fine!! xxxxxxxxx