(no subject)

[abluesuedeshoe]

Livejournal hadnt worked for me for a long time. I've had a lot on my mind and I've wanted to write in this thing, but obviously i couldn't. A lot of shit is fucked up right now. I'm not sure how things are going to turn out and I'm really afraid of losing a great friend. Its such a shitty situation. I mean I've felt so bad about this thing for so long and i tried so hard to not let it get to me, but i couldnt fucking help it. It hurt too much. Now my feelings fucking ruined everything. i never thought I'd let this get in the way of a great friend. I feel betrayed yet I know I've betrayed in the process. I can't help feeling the way I do. He can't either. I don't blame him yet I still don't think its fair. I don't think he has any right either. I can't help feeling like she did this on purpose. She probably didn't and I'd like to believe she didnt cuz I think she means well, but its fucking bullshit. I was played and so was my friend. He can blame me all he wants, but I'm in the same situation. I don't know why he can't realize it. I have fucking feelings for her. I mean what the hell do you expect? I was with her for a long fucking time. Of course I'm going to still care for her. I've been through everything with her. I don't give a shit how much you care about her. She was in my life before she was ever in yours. So piss and moan all you fucking want. Hate me for fucks sake. But don't expect me to be happy about it. I mean what were you honestly thinking to begin with? you know how i felt. You know how much it hurt. You know i wouldnt be able to handle you being with her. Watching someone who is suppose to be a good friend be with her. Fuck that. It's fucking bullshit. I want to be happy for you. I want to be a great friend to you. I've always wanted to. But couldn't it be anyone else for christs sake? So kick me out of you life. Blame me for this. Do whatever you fucking want, but you should know i fucking care. I didn't want any of this. I only wanted everyone to be happy. Is it so much to ask that i be happy too? Well either way no one is happy anymore. You can blame it on whoever you want, but in my opinion we're all to blame. No one did the right thing and that is why we are all unhappy. I know I screwed up a lot. that could be your reasoning for thinking I'd be ok with it. Well I'm not ok. I know you arent either. Damnit. Why do we do this to ourselves? I want to be your friend and I want things to be ok. How can they be if you wont talk to me? I want to explain myself and I want to tell you what i think. I want to know what you think too.

don't even waste your time reading this. It's intended for only certain people to read. You know who you are. Only reason i wrote all this here is because it's the only way i could put together all my thoughts at once. I don't even fucking know anymore. I wish i knew how to make all the right choices.

The sad part is... he deserves her more than I do.

this music keeps me sane