Yeah, it's definitely this weird complicated thing. I think that there's always an aspect of genuine curiosity, and I *think* the reason these guys focus on and ask questions about the feelings of my male partner is that they themselves don't know if/how they could handle a poly situation - they often follow the "why does he share you" question with something along the lines of "I wouldn't want to share you" (which, um, hello, why are you even talking to me then?).
But there's just so many unquestioned norms tied up in the way they ask that annoy me, or just so that the concept of trying to communicate effectively with them on it seems so exhausting (so many layers of misconceptions to cut through! Where to start!?)
...Do you ever get guys who segue form asking why your partner(s) "let you" sleep with other people into explicitly trying to emasculate them? It's only happened to me a couple of times, but it's a particularly spectacular level of just not even speaking the same language at all when it comes to relationship models and gender stuff. Sometimes they assume he's a cuckold (despite, y'know, no mention of that anywhere in my profile or his), but other times it's like they're already establishing a possessiveness over me in their opening message. Because that's *clearly* what I'm looking for.
I think I usually have the foresight to cut people off before it gets to that point. Like I've said, reply+block is my new favourite way of dealing with that shit. I've definitely gotten, "So does your husband date other women?" (always only women, obv) and if I say yes, they're like, "Ohhh. Well I guess that's okay then." BECAUSE OTHERWISE THAT WOULD JUST BE UNFAIR. WE NEED TO KEEP A TALLY.
"I *think* the reason these guys focus on and ask questions about the feelings of my male partner is that they themselves don't know if/how they could handle a poly situation"
I think this is accurate. One relates first and foremost in terms of one's own experience. But I'd agree that that experience is one that is steeped in gendered concepts of possession, internalized to the point of unconscious assumptions.
I have heard both men and women say that they don't like to "share," and that can be just a statement of their emotional starting point. It seems to reflect something more insidious when you're asked something about your partner's feelings, because it is a rather striking omission not to ask about the feelings of the person you are talking to. On the other hand, even in open relationships there's generally negotiation around the needs of the partner of your date, so it's relevant to be interested in that person. Very similar queries can convey something so different just depending on how it's approached.
The most common form of that question that I get on OkC is "How are you guys handling it?"
But there's just so many unquestioned norms tied up in the way they ask that annoy me, or just so that the concept of trying to communicate effectively with them on it seems so exhausting (so many layers of misconceptions to cut through! Where to start!?)
...Do you ever get guys who segue form asking why your partner(s) "let you" sleep with other people into explicitly trying to emasculate them? It's only happened to me a couple of times, but it's a particularly spectacular level of just not even speaking the same language at all when it comes to relationship models and gender stuff. Sometimes they assume he's a cuckold (despite, y'know, no mention of that anywhere in my profile or his), but other times it's like they're already establishing a possessiveness over me in their opening message. Because that's *clearly* what I'm looking for.
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I think this is accurate. One relates first and foremost in terms of one's own experience. But I'd agree that that experience is one that is steeped in gendered concepts of possession, internalized to the point of unconscious assumptions.
I have heard both men and women say that they don't like to "share," and that can be just a statement of their emotional starting point. It seems to reflect something more insidious when you're asked something about your partner's feelings, because it is a rather striking omission not to ask about the feelings of the person you are talking to. On the other hand, even in open relationships there's generally negotiation around the needs of the partner of your date, so it's relevant to be interested in that person. Very similar queries can convey something so different just depending on how it's approached.
The most common form of that question that I get on OkC is "How are you guys handling it?"
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