(Riding the) Waves of Love
Title: (Riding the) Waves of Love
Rating: PG
Length: 6370 words
Summary: Riding the Waves is Joonmyun’s favourite fanfic. One day it stops being updated, apparently for good. Joonmyun can’t cope with that, so he sends one PM that changes everything.
Notes: This wasn’t quite what I’d intended on writing when I took this prompt (I imagined a lot more fic-within-a-fic, whoops…) but I hope you like it anyway! <3
“Do you want to come with me, on an adventure?” Harriet asks. She stretches out her hand towards Estelle, and Estelle takes it in her own smaller, paler one.
Estelle has never looked more beautiful than she does right now, Harriet thinks.
She looks confused, her brow dark and furrowed. Her freckles are clear against her fair skin. But at the same time, Harriet can see the excitement running through her, at the idea of leaving Frowel for the first time. She can see Estelle’s eyes light up with eagerness.
Estelle takes a deep breath. “Let’s do it,” she says. “Let’s go.”
---
Joonmyun sighs, pleased, as he re-reads the first chapter. He knows the words so well by now that he can quote them off by heart. He knows the way Harriet thinks and the way Estelle smiles. He knows it as well as if he’d written it himself.
He hadn’t, of course. Riding the Waves is a fanfic, written by someone called ears2u (which is an awful name, but who is dragon_pen to judge?). It’s twenty-two chapters long and nearing the end, and is about the story of Harriet Wing and Estelle Brown, two of the three main characters of Dragon Riders, a popular TV show about Harriet, Estelle and Harriet’s twin brother Nick, as they become dragon riders and go on adventures.
There are three different types of fan of Dragon Riders. There are those who ship Nick/Estelle, and want them to end up together. There are the gross “twincest” shippers who don’t like Estelle. And finally there are the Harriet/Estelle shippers, known as “Brownings” to the rest of the fans.
Joonmyun is a Browning. He has always loved the way that Harriet reacts towards Estelle; looking after her when she’s shy but also helping to build her up so she’s strong, and Riding the Waves does such a good job of portraying it. Joonmyun has sent ears2u far too many excited comments, saying how much he loves it, to count. It’s the best fanfic he’s ever read. If only the TV show would go like this.
He’s onto the second chapter, for the umpteenth time, when he gets a notification popping up in the corner of the window. There’s a new chapter.
Joonmyun doesn’t squeal, but maybe he makes a manly squeak of excitement. The fic doesn’t operate on a schedule; just updates whenever the author has finished their next chapter, which can be anywhere from a few days to a few months. The longest wait was just after Joonmyun had found the fic, around chapter eleven. The wait for chapter twelve had been one of the longest four months of Joonmyun’s life. It had been a cliffhanger just as Harriet had thrown herself off the back of her grand white dragon-Perren-after Estelle had fallen. Joonmyun had been on tenterhooks for a long, long time.
The last update was also a cliffhanger, just before the end, before the final confession and the final battle-because of course there’s a battle; why have a fic about dragons and not include battles? He knows that the confession will be perfect because ears2u is perfect.
But the update, when he clicks on it, is not an update.
It’s a letter from the author thanking everyone, all his thousands of subscribers and readers and commenters, for their time and their love, but Riding the Waves has been hiatused permanently.
It continues,
I’m so sorry, but I can’t do this any longer. I know that you will be able to imagine Harriet’s confession for yourselves-maybe it’s grand, maybe it’s modest. Maybe it happens quickly? It’s up to you.
I love each and every one of you, but I’m afraid that in my world, Harriet doesn’t get her Estelle.
I’ve had a wonderful few years with you all, but it’s time to pack up my false hopes.
I’m so sorry.
Joonmyun stares at the page with wide, horrified eyes. He can’t believe what’s happening-he feels like the rug has been pulled out from under his feet. He can’t believe that this masterpiece, this absolutely perfect fic that speaks to him on such a personal level, has been abandoned for good.
He leaves the comment ;_____; I…I can’t believe this. TT____TT and then, for good measure, replies to his own comment with ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ, just to hammer it home. It’s a little excessive, sure, but he’s upset, and nobody should fault him for that.
Joonmyun doesn’t think he can even let it be at just that, so he starts a private message.
dragon_pen
Hi-um, I know we’re total strangers, and I’m sorry for prying, but can I ask why you’re abandoning RTW? I’m a really big fan of this fic. It’s so wonderful, and I feel so sad that it might not get finished. Do you think you’ll ever go back to it? m( -___- )m (✿◠‿◠)
He waits on tenterhooks for a response, some sign that ears2u has read his message, but the green light next to their username turns red. Joonmyun sighs and closes his laptop. He has other things to do, rather than sit and wait for a response on his favourite fic-like go and meet his friends. They’ve arranged to meet in their favourite café and Joonmyun is probably going to be late. He’s never late.
Joonmyun grabs his keys and wallet, jabs his feet into his shoes, and leaves, with just one last longing look at his laptop. It’ll still be there when he comes back, and maybe ears2u will have replied by then.
If Chanyeol and Baekhyun think he’s a little out of sorts, they don’t say anything. Baekhyun just talks about his girlfriend’s new hobby and Chanyeol talks about the basketball team he supports, and Joonmyun does his best to seem normal. It’s a little bit pathetic that he’s so upset about a fanfic, but he really, really likes it. He kind of needs it. Reading it makes him feel happy, like all’s well with the world. He needs Harriet and Estelle to get together, just to settle himself, to make himself feel alright.
Joonmyun leaves a little early, ignoring the pout on Chanyeol’s face, citing shopping as his excuse. He wasn’t lying-he really does need to buy food, so he does so; lengthening the time before he gets home to his laptop.
Once he’s arrived home and put away his shopping, he’s straight on his computer.
One new message.
Joonmyun has clicked on it before he can even take a breath.
ears2u
Oh hey, thanks! I’m glad you like RTW. I’ve seen you comment before! I wanted to ask-are you the dragon_pen from Magic Storm fandom? If you are, I used to follow your work! It was really good. If you’re a different one, I’m sorry for mixing you up.
As for RTW, I’m not sure I’ll ever go back. Sorry about that. I’m sure you have ideas about how it ends.
Joonmyun feels himself flush as he reads the message sent to him. Magic Storm is his previous fandom; a magical girl anime about a girl who can control the weather. He’d been a fanartist for it-always drawing pictures of Nanami, the main character, in her various costumes and outfits. He’d stopped once Magic Storm had ended and he’d got into Dragon Riders. He hadn’t realised that people remembered him.
dragon_pen
Um, yeah, that’s me? ^^” You were into Magic Storm too?
ears2u
Yeah! My best friend and I used to watch it together, and then I’d come online and look for your updates!
Joonmyun smiles at the memory that hits him-he and Chanyeol, curled up under the covers as they watched episodes together. Joonmyun had liked Nanami the most, and Chanyeol had always liked Erika, Nanami’s cute and stylish best friend.
dragon_pen
Me too! I mean not the updates but my best friend and I used to watch it together.
ears2u
I suppose you must be feeling how I felt when you stopped posting pictures.
Joonmyun makes a face.
ears2u
Sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. Just-I loved your artwork, too. And I knew you wouldn’t continue because you weren’t into it any more.
The response makes it sound like ears2u’s dropped out of fandom, and she’s trying to give Joonmyun a hint.
dragon_pen
Are you not into DR anymore? .•´¯`(>▂<)´¯`•.
ears2u
Oh! No-I still love it. Sorry for confusing you. I just…I’m not able to write the fic anymore. Personal reasons.
dragon_pen
Do you…want to talk about it?
ears2u
:) It’s okay. I might take you up on that offer later, but right now I’ve got to go…thanks for asking, dragon_pen!
Shall I just call you dragon_pen?
Joonmyun bites his lip. He’s not sure he wants to introduce himself by his real name-maybe his mother’s advice about stalkers on the internet is sinking through, or maybe he just doesn’t want his name out there in the great wide world. So he offers the name he used to use in Magic Storm fandom: Jamie.
ears2u
Nice to meet you, Jamie! I’m Charlie! ;)
Somehow, Joonmyun doesn’t think that’s ears2u’s real name either, but he shrugs. It’s better than thinking of them-her?-by their-her?-username. Joonmyun presumes that they’re a girl, because the majority of Dragon Riders fans are girls in their teens and early twenties with crushes on the actor who plays Nick Brown. It seems easier to think that ears2u is a girl and wait to be proven wrong, if she is, in fact, a he. Or whatever pronoun they choose to use.
Joonmyun says goodbye to Charlie and watches as their light goes red. He spends the next fifteen minutes staring at the screen and wondering if she’ll talk to him again after, or if that’s all he’ll get from her.
He doesn’t want it to be his only conversation with her, he realises. He wants to delve deeper into her mind; see how she thinks. Her writing is powerful and meaningful, and he wants to know what caused her to write with such longing. Is she in a relationship? Did she have a bad break-up? Is she in an unrequited romance?
That night, after logging off, he does a simple, easy sketch of Nanami and Erika and colours it in, putting it aside to scan onto his computer in the morning. He tells himself it’s because Charlie reminded him that he missed drawing, but really he just wants to surprise her, and he wants her to keep talking to him.
Perhaps he should draw Estelle and Harriet as well, he thinks.
Maybe, if they talk, he can convince Charlie to finish the fic.
---
ears2u
You drew again!!
You have no idea how excited I was to see that picture! Thank you~!
Joonmyun grins at the message that’s just popped up-he’s been hoping for this reaction. That’s why he’d drawn it in the first place.
dragon_pen
You liked it? :) I’m glad! I had forgotten how much I love drawing! -(๑☆‿ ☆#)ᕗ
He’d worked hard on it this morning; fixing the colour and smoothing out the edges in Photoshop, just to make it perfect and ready to be posted. He’s already had excited comments posted on the picture and on Twitter, including some wondering if he’s come back, even though he’d made sure he said it was a one-off-a reunion of him and Magic Storm. There wouldn’t be any more.
That doesn’t stop people from asking.
ears2u
I love it! I love what you did for Erika, she’s so pretty! ( ﾟ▽ﾟ)/
dragon_pen
You’re like my best friend…he always liked Erika the most.
ears2u
He has good taste! Erika’d be gorgeous if she was a real person!
They talk a bit more about Magic Storm for a bit before Charlie says she has to go shopping.
ears2u
Let’s do this again tomorrow, okay? ♥
Joonmyun feels accomplished.
---
They talk every day for the next few weeks-more than Joonmyun talks to Chanyeol, Baekhyun, or his university classmates. Joonmyun learns new things about Charlie interspersed throughout their conversations (which are mostly fandom related; she loves Harriet so much that she wishes she had a TV show just for herself)-she has one older sister, she likes hip-hop and cute boys, her favourite colour is black.
They’re partway through sharing fandom-related stories about famous fans and their fics, art, and drama-including a story about an American girl who tattooed Nick’s face on her bottom-when Charlie changes the topic suddenly.
ears2u
Jamie…do you like anyone?
Joonmyun furrows his brow in confusion. He hasn’t really had a crush on anyone in ages. The last crush he’s had was on a foreign exchange student when he was still in school; it was a tall and severely eyebrowed boy called Kevin who’d spoken about three words of Korean. He’d been very handsome, despite the eyebrow defect. He’d been the person who’d first clued Joonmyun into his attraction to guys rather than girls, and his resulting type had been formed in the moments Joonmyun laid eyes on him: tall, handsome, a bit stupid, very funny, and painfully adorable.
dragon_pen
Not really at the moment? Why?
ears2u
I just…
She doesn’t type any more for a few minutes. Joonmyun refreshes but nothing happens.
dragon_pen
Do you like someone?
ears2u
Yeah…
And then she comes out with it: she has a crush on her best friend, the same best friend that she’d watched Magic Storm with.
ears2u
He’s tiny and cute and I like him so much, but he doesn’t know. I’m not sure he likes me like that. I’m not sure he COULD like me like that?
And I haven’t seen him for weeks…we’ve talked on the phone a couple of times, but I’ve spoken to you more in the past month than I have him, and I miss him so much. T__T
dragon_pen
:( I’m sorry! I hope you get to see him again soon.
And how could he not like you? You’re so lovely, and kind, and talented. He’s stupid if he doesn’t like you!
ears2u
ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ He is stupid but so am I. I’m the one who likes him.
dragon_pen
You’re not stupid! :(
ears2u
I am. T_T
Don’t tell anyone but RTW was written for him.
He’s Estelle, I’m Harriet.
I wrote it as my outlet for my feelings for him…I was going to write up to the confession and maybe that would give me the courage to confess to him? But I got scared. He’s not going to like it, and I don’t want to lose him. We’ve been best friends since we were little. I NEED him.
Giving up on him that way also means giving up the fic, because they’re connected. That’s why I can’t continue. I know you still want me to. But I can’t. He’s everything to me. I can’t lose him.
Joonmyun can feel her love for her friend through her post. He can’t believe that her friend wouldn’t like her. If Joonmyun liked girls, maybe she would be the type of girl he liked-she’s filial, kind, talented, seems honest. She could be tall and attractive like the guys he likes. She’s clearly adorable.
Also, reading her post reminds him that he hasn’t seen his own best friend for a while. He rather misses Chanyeol when he doesn’t get to see him. Going to different universities will do that; make it so they don’t get a lot of chance to see each other.
Joonmyun grabs his phone with one hand and, with the other, types out a quick message to Charlie, telling her that he’s sure she wouldn’t lose her friend, and that she’s reminded him to phone his own friend, and that he’ll be back later.
Then he dials Chanyeol’s number almost without looking at the keypad.
“Hey,” Chanyeol says, picking up after only one ring. He sounds happy, which makes Joonmyun happy. “I was just thinking about you. It’s been a while since we hung out, right?”
“Yeah,” Joonmyun agrees. “Coffee in thirty?”
Chanyeol doesn’t look so good, though. In fact, he looks a bit like a lorry ran over him. He’s lost a bit of weight, his clothes not fitting properly, and he has prominent bags under his eyes.
Joonmyun swears. “Wow,” he says. “Are you okay?”
Chanyeol smiles at him, his eyes lighting up. “I’m great,” he says. He, at least, sounds happy. “It’s just been a hectic few weeks; I’ve got this essay to write and I’ve been up really late researching it.”
“Please get some sleep,” Joonmyun says, reaching across the table to pat Chanyeol’s hand. “I’ll sleep better myself knowing you’re okay.”
“I will,” Chanyeol says. “Don’t worry, Joonmyun-hyung. I’ll be okay.” He looks down at his cheesecake. Chanyeol had been there already when Joonmyun arrived, his laptop bag sitting beside him, and the cheesecake already there. He hasn’t eaten any of it since Joonmyun arrived. Joonmyun loves cheesecake. “Oh, hey,” Chanyeol says, brain working at the same speed as Joonmyun’s. “Help yourself.” He pushes the cheesecake further into the middle of the table.
Joonmyun does, breaking off a piece with the fork. It’s caramel, his favourite, and he moans in delight. “You know how to spoil a boy,” he says, with a grin.
Chanyeol looks strangely pinker than he had a minute ago. Joonmyun thinks that it is getting quite warm. He says so.
“Oh,” Chanyeol says, intelligently. Joonmyun smiles at him. “Uh, yeah, it is.”
“Thought so,” Joonmyun says. “You’re getting a bit flushed.”
If anything, Chanyeol gets even pinker at this.
It’s nice to be there with Chanyeol, just the two of them. These days it’s usually them and Baekhyun, or Jongdae, or Jongin. It’s never just Joonmyun and Chanyeol like it was in the old days when they’d curl up under Joonmyun’s covers and watch anime together. Joonmyun misses those days.
“Do you remember when we used to watch Magic Storm and Cloverflow?” Joonmyun says with a smile. “I miss those days.”
Chanyeol looks surprised, but he smiles. “Yeah, me too.”
They talk until the café closes and they have to leave so Chanyeol can get back to his essay. Joonmyun finishes the cheesecake and buys Chanyeol another one, of which he also eats the majority. Chanyeol says it’s okay because they’re both twigs and never put on any weight. Joonmyun spoon-feeds him the last third of the cheesecake in return.
“You’re too skinny,” he says. “You should eat more.” He punctuates it with a pat to Chanyeol’s bony, stubbly cheek. If he didn’t know better, he’d say Chanyeol leaned into his hand-but no, that would be stupid.
It hurts to leave Chanyeol after such a fun afternoon, but he does, giving Chanyeol a hug that lingers a bit too long on both their parts; neither of them wanting to leave and go home.
When he gets home, there’s another message from Charlie.
ears2u
Saw my boy today. ♥ Thank you for listening to me…you made me feel better, and then he made me feel great! I feel so blessed. I hope you had as great an afternoon as I did! ♥ Night!
Joonmyun smiles and closes his laptop.
---
Their conversations slowly turn more to Charlie’s crush on her best friend. Joonmyun has only ever been in one relationship, when he was fifteen, and it wasn’t with a boy. He feels like he can’t really be of much use. But the one thing he’s always believed is that you should tell the truth, and you shouldn’t keep secrets in a friendship. He’s constantly telling Charlie to tell her friend that she likes him, but she always comes up with some kind of excuse as to why she can’t tell him yet.
ears2u
What if he hates me? I’m his best friend, not his…you know.
dragon_pen
He won’t hate you. How can he hate you? You’re clearly important to him. I’m sure that, even if he doesn’t like you like that, he’ll do his best to keep your friendship going.
ears2u
How can you be so sure?
Anyway, it’d be really awkward. I’d be thinking, “He doesn’t like me,” and he’d be thinking of me liking him…all the time…it wouldn’t be fun to be friends any more. :( I don’t want to be the one who does that to us.
Joonmyun supposes he can understand where she’s coming from. If…if Baekhyun confessed, for example (not that he would, as he has a girlfriend, but if he did), it would be really awkward, and Joonmyun isn’t sure he’d know what to do aside from politely reject him. But he wouldn’t want to lose Baekhyun over something like that. Though he’d understand if Baekhyun were then too upset to stay friends.
But that would destroy their friendship. Joonmyun wouldn’t want to lose any of his friends. He couldn’t bear it.
dragon_pen
Because that’s what I’d do if my friend confessed and I didn’t like them like that, and wouldn’t ever like them. If I liked them enough to be friends, I wouldn’t want to damage that by losing them.
But I suppose it’d be worse for you, if your heart’s been broken. Would you be too upset to stay friends?
ears2u
Yes. TT_TT
I don’t know. If he got upset and angry, or judged me? Or worse, PITIED me? I couldn’t cope with that.
It’d be a waste to throw a 15-year friendship down the drain, but it would be to protect myself. I’d need to do it. I’d hope he’d understand-he’d probably want me out of his life too.
Joonmyun wishes he could hug her. She sounds like she could do with a hug.
dragon_pen
Don’t think about that possibility. You’ll just upset yourself.
The face she sends back is adorable and Joonmyun really wishes he could hug her, or at least comfort her in some way that would help her. He doesn’t think that telling her to confess will help right now.
But he doesn’t stop telling her. One day she’ll have to tell her friend; rip the plaster off and jump in at the deep end. She can’t keep it a secret from him forever.
And when that happens, Joonmyun will be there for her, no matter the result.
Joonmyun knows that she appreciates it, even if she’s currently too afraid to do it.
---
Joonmyun tries to see Chanyeol more often over the next few weeks, if only briefly to check that he’s not wasting away. It seems to be doing the trick. Chanyeol puts back on the weight he’d lost, filling out his clothes better. His mood brightens as he does so. Joonmyun feels better for it, too. He had been rather worried.
“I got a First for that essay,” Chanyeol had said gleefully the last time they’d met up. “You really helped me. Thanks, Hyung.” He’d taken Joonmyun’s hand and squeezed, looking down at Joonmyun with a large smile on his face.
There had been a beat before Joonmyun had replied. “It was all you; no need to thank me. You wrote it,” he’d said. Chanyeol had laughed.
Joonmyun doesn’t quite understand why his body had tingled.
It comes up briefly in conversation with Charlie, just an offhand comment about the tingles in his stomach and the way Chanyeol smiles, like he’s always the happiest he’s ever been.
ears2u
Jamie has a cru~sh! ♥
Joonmyun squeaks out loud.
dragon_pen
I don’t! Not on-not on him, he’s my best friend. It just…I couldn’t like him like that. I’ve known him since we were tiny.
ears2u
I don’t think it stops just because you want it to, Jamie.
Anyway, I’ve known my best friend for that long and it didn’t stop me from falling for him! I like my best friend. Even though nothing can come of it.
It’s not impossible.
Joonmyun stares at the words in front of him. He can’t like Chanyeol. It just can’t be possible. There’s no way. Chanyeol’s been his best friend since he was practically a toddler and Chanyeol even smaller. It would be wrong to like him.
Yet Chanyeol ticks all of his boxes. He is everything Kevin was and more.
Joonmyun refuses to believe it.
dragon_pen
Speaking of, have you told him yet?
ears2u
:( Of course not. I’d need to ask him something first…tell him something first. I’m too scared to.
dragon_pen
What do you need to tell/ask him?
ears2u
That……
Charlie doesn’t continue for several minutes. Joonmyun watches the box, refreshes, trying to see if she’s updated. He doesn’t understand why she hasn’t said anything.
ears2u
This is hard for me. I’m sorry. I’ve never told anyone before.
Joonmyun furrows his brow.
ears2u
I can trust you, right?
dragon_pen
Of course you can!
ears2u
I like boys.
Joonmyun stares at the three words before him in confusion. What’s so surprising about that? They’ve been talking for months now-Joonmyun’s well aware that Charlie likes boys. And why shouldn’t she?
He’s starting to write Yeah, I knew that, when another message arrives.
ears2u
And I don’t know if he likes boys too.
He probably likes girls.
This message absolutely floors Joonmyun. It takes some moments for the cogs to work to tell him what these two sentences mean.
Joonmyun’s been talking to Charlie for weeks, assuming that Charlie is a girl, as one tends to do in a female-driven fandom, but he’s just realising that Charlie isn’t a girl. Charlie’s a boy. Charlie’s a boy in love with his male best friend.
dragon_pen
Oh! Yeah, I suppose that’s a problem.
You should ask him. Or maybe…give him a hint?
ears2u
I can’t. ㅠㅠㅠ How would I say it so I didn’t freak him out?
Joonmyun sighs. This has reminded him that he hasn’t yet told Chanyeol, Baekhyun, Jongdae or Jongin about his own taste in humans. He should do that. Next time they hang out, maybe. It’s an important thing to tell people he cares about. They should know.
dragon_pen
You’ll come up with a way, I believe in you!
He adds, because he’s feeling charitable,
dragon_pen
I’m in the same position as you.
The last thing he sees before he turns off his laptop is,
ears2u
!!!!!!!!!!!!!! @(。・o・)@
---
The next time they hang out together, the five of them, Joonmyun waits for a lull in the conversation before blurting it out. It’s probably inappropriate timing anyway, but he needs to say it.
“I’m gay,” he says.
Jongin, who’d taken a deep breath like he was going to say something, lets it go.
“Oh,” Jongdae says. “Well, okay.”
“Good thing you said that before I set you up with Taeyeon-noona’s friend,” Baekhyun says. Joonmyun can’t tell if he’s being serious or not. That’s Baekhyun for you. Joonmyun wouldn’t be surprised to find out he had been planning to set him up with one of his girlfriend’s friends.
Jongin doesn’t say anything, but he shrugs, as if to say it doesn’t matter.
The only person who doesn’t say anything is Chanyeol, who bites his lip and fidgets with his jumper, looking everywhere except Joonmyun.
Joonmyun’s face falls. What if Chanyeol can’t accept him? What if Chanyeol thinks he’s disgusting? He’d been so busy trying to tell Charlie not to think about this outcome that he hadn’t considered it himself.
So Joonmyun doesn’t prod. He doesn’t want to hasten Chanyeol’s revulsion.
“I’m sorry,” he says softly.
This seems to do the trick. Chanyeol looks up at him, eyes wide. “Don’t be,” he says. When Joonmyun frowns in confusion, Chanyeol adds hastily, “Sorry, I meant. Don’t be sorry. It’s okay.” He smiles at Joonmyun, but it doesn’t reach his eyes, and when they leave, Chanyeol doesn’t hug him as tightly as usual.
Joonmyun thinks he’s broken something in their friendship, and it hurts.
---
ears2u
I had the opportunity today…to do as you said. To tell him. But I was too scared. （／_＼） I couldn’t do it. I’m sorry.
dragon_pen
Don’t be. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it does ruin friendships.
---
Joonmyun doesn’t see Chanyeol for several weeks. He hangs out with Baekhyun and Jongdae a few times, and Jongin once, but Chanyeol is conspicuously absent.
When he asks where Chanyeol is, they just shrug and say he has essays. Joonmyun supposes that Chanyeol doesn’t usually mention any essays to him, so this isn’t exactly out of character. But somehow it still worries him. And he misses Chanyeol. On more than one occasion he types out a text to him that he deletes. Only once does he send a text that says, I missed you today :(.
He doesn’t get a response.
What’s weirder is that Charlie’s also not around as much-he (it’s almost weird to think of him as he) seems really busy, and it just makes Joonmyun feel even lonelier than usual.
Finally, he gets a text from Chanyeol, several weeks after they’ve last spoken, asking him to their usual café.
Joonmyun is somewhat unsure when he gets there. He doesn’t know what to expect.
Chanyeol looks strange. He’s in Joonmyun’s favourite jumper, one he’d bought him years ago, after his growth spurt, and it’s paired with a collared shirt, which is something Joonmyun very rarely sees Chanyeol in. He looks well-put-together, which is a good thing because he’s still somewhat gaunt and sickly-looking.
A piece of cheesecake is sitting there, like always. Joonmyun smiles a little-that settles him, after seeing Chanyeol’s curious sartorial choices.
“Hey,” Joonmyun says, sitting down across from Chanyeol. He feels underdressed. “It’s been a while.”
Chanyeol holds up one hand, his other white-knuckling on the table. “I’ve got to…I’ve got to say this, before I lose my nerve.”
“Okay?” Joonmyun says, brow furrowed in confusion.
“I…” Chanyeol says, and then he shakes his head. “I’m sorry I was so off last time we talked, I was really surprised.”
“I could tell,” Joonmyun says.
“No!” Chanyeol says. “Don’t talk, please.”
Joonmyun sits back in his chair, lifting his hands in a surrender, before lowering them again.
“I just…I never expected that you could…you could like…”
Joonmyun feels his face drop, falling into a grimace. This is starting to feel like a break-up speech. He’d thought he’d be safe from that, but apparently not.
“No!” Chanyeol almost shouts, loud with his frustration. He’s never been good with words when he’s upset. Joonmyun should have expected this to be awkward. “I never thought you were like me.”
Joonmyun hadn’t been expecting that.
“Oh,” Joonmyun says, eyes wide with surprise. He’s…happy, he thinks. Happy that Chanyeol’s not upset with him, and happy because he’s not the only one who likes boys in their friendship group.
“I didn’t know how to say it,” Chanyeol says, voice quiet now. “I was…I was scared. But…you made me see that it’s okay for me to…to like who I like. Thank you.”
Joonmyun reaches over the table to peel Chanyeol’s whitening fingers away from the table as gently as he can. He links their fingers together gently, Chanyeol’s large palm dwarfing his smaller one. “It’s okay,” he says. “We’ll be together every step of the way. We can make it through this.”
“That’s just the thing,” Chanyeol says. “I want you to be there with me.”
“Well of course,” Joonmyun says. “We’re best friends.”
“No,” Chanyeol says. “You’ve always been more than that to me. Joonmyun-hyung, I…” He looks down, at their entwined fingers, and he rushes out, “I really like you.”
Joonmyun hadn’t been expecting that either.
This feels strangely like déjà vu, except that’s impossible, because this has never happened to him before.
“Oh,” Joonmyun repeats. And then, somewhat dumbly, “Really?”
“Yes,” Chanyeol says. “I…I’ve liked you for a long time. And you should know. I didn’t want to keep it from you any longer.”
Joonmyun just looks at him. He can’t think of anything. He doesn’t know whether he’s happy, confused, relieved-he just doesn’t understand his emotions right now. “I don’t know what to say,” he says. “But I’m not…this isn’t a rejection. Not now. I just need to get my thoughts in order.”
“Okay,” Chanyeol says. “I’ll give you time. Eat the cheesecake.”
He stands, Joonmyun’s hand falling empty from his grasp, and then he leaves without even a hug. Joonmyun feels even worse than when he’d arrived. He tries to eat the cake, but it tastes like ash on his tongue, and he has to force himself to swallow it, even as tears well in his eyes. He doesn’t know why he’s so upset. He should probably be happy. Charlie’s always told him that he likes Chanyeol. But he just doesn’t know what to do. He’s never planned for this.
He heads home and logs onto his computer.
dragon_pen
I was confessed to today.
ears2u
Really? Who by?
dragon_pen
My best friend.
ears2u
Congratulations!
dragon_pen
I couldn’t say anything to him. I didn’t know what to say. I should…I should say yes, shouldn’t I?
ears2u
You DO like him!
You should say yes and win your Harriet.
Maybe if you get your Harriet, I’ll get my Estelle.
dragon_pen
Maybe.
ears2u
This is just so funny… ⊙０⊙
How did he confess?
dragon_pen
He just…he told me he liked boys and then he just said it. I hadn’t even processed that and then he came out with it, and like??? You don’t do that! You don’t just spring that on people, even if they like you back. It just doesn’t make sense. YES I like you but give me time to THINK before you go telling me you’ve liked me for ages! That’s the kindest thing, isn’t it?
There’s a pause for a moment, during which Joonmyun realises that he’s confessed to liking Chanyeol for the first time-until then he’d been in denial, but apparently not any more. Maybe the confession helped.
Then,
ears2u
OH MY GOD.
And the green light next to Charlie’s username turns red.
Joonmyun frowns. He doesn’t understand what has just happened. What’s Charlie shouting for? What’s surprised him so much?
He turns off his computer, still confused, and goes to do some reading for school.
He’s partway through the chapter when he receives a text. It’s from Chanyeol and consists of nothing but exclamation marks and ends with a swearword.
Joonmyun frowns at it in confusion, but he doesn’t have much time to ponder in his confusion, because then he receives another text. I’m coming over. 5 mins.
This startles Joonmyun into automatic tidy-up mode, trying to make sure that the front room of his tiny flat is as clean as he can get it in five minutes.
Chanyeol arrives far too soon, sweating and looking like a mess. He’s carrying a bike, which he settles by the door.
“I,” he says, panting, “hate you.”
“Well,” Joonmyun says, “that’s not true and you know it.”
“You never told me you draw,” Chanyeol says. “You’ve basically been lying to me for fifteen years.”
“It never came up in conversation,” Joonmyun says. “How did you find out?”
“I just realised something,” Chanyeol says, “so I asked Baekhyun. He says you used to draw for Magic Storm.”
“Yeah,” Joonmyun says.
“You never told me,” Chanyeol continues, “but Baekhyun knew?”
“He walked in on me drawing one day,” Joonmyun says. “It was a secret, nobody was supposed to know.”
“Yeah, but see, I knew who you were. I was your fan, Dragon Pen,” Chanyeol says. “And…and I think you’re mine too.” He pauses. “Jamie.”
And Joonmyun gets it. He gets it.
He swears. “No way.”
“Yes,” Chanyeol says.
“We’re so stupid.”
Chanyeol looks like he’s going to protest, but he doesn’t, just laughs. Joonmyun hasn’t seen him so happy in ages.
“I can’t believe it,” Joonmyun says.
He really can’t. Chanyeol is ears2u. Chanyeol is the author he’s been watching for so long, the author of his favourite fic. Chanyeol is the person Joonmyun’s been talking to, all these weeks.
“I guess it’s fate,” Chanyeol says. “I very much liked you even when I didn’t know it was you. And I know you like me. That’s the good thing about you confessing without knowing you were confessing.”
Joonmyun blushes, but doesn’t deny it.
“Does that mean I can take you out at some point?” Chanyeol asks, moving steadily closer to Joonmyun until they’re toe-to-toe, Joonmyun looking up at him. “Do something together, just the two of us.”
“Of course,” Joonmyun says. “Though that’s nothing new.”
“I know what is new,” Chanyeol says quietly.
He tilts Joonmyun’s chin up. Joonmyun smiles and moves with him, leaning up to meet him half way.
The kiss is gentle and innocent, just a closed-mouth peck, but it’s sweet and soft and Joonmyun’s innards tingle with happiness and warmth and he just feels so satisfied with everything. There’s only one thing that could make this better.
“Does this mean you’ll finish Riding the Waves?” Joonmyun asks.
“Haha,” Chanyeol says. “Don’t be cheeky.”
---
Estelle reaches out to touch a pale hand to Harriet’s cheek. “It’s always been you,” she says, with a warm smile on her face. She looks like she may be about to cry. Harriet wants to kiss the tears away. “You’ve been with me since the beginning.”
“So has Nick,” Harriet says, even though part of her is just arguing for the sake of arguing. Estelle likes her.
“I don’t care about Nick,” Estelle says. “He’s lovely, but he’s not the girl I fell in love with. I’ve-I’ve been waiting for this moment for so long.”
“As have I,” Harriet says. She still can’t believe this is real. “I’ve been waiting for so many years to kiss you.”
“So don’t wait any longer,” Estelle says, smiling.
So Harriet doesn’t.
Rating: PG
Length: 6370 words
Summary: Riding the Waves is Joonmyun’s favourite fanfic. One day it stops being updated, apparently for good. Joonmyun can’t cope with that, so he sends one PM that changes everything.
Notes: This wasn’t quite what I’d intended on writing when I took this prompt (I imagined a lot more fic-within-a-fic, whoops…) but I hope you like it anyway! <3
“Do you want to come with me, on an adventure?” Harriet asks. She stretches out her hand towards Estelle, and Estelle takes it in her own smaller, paler one.
Estelle has never looked more beautiful than she does right now, Harriet thinks.
She looks confused, her brow dark and furrowed. Her freckles are clear against her fair skin. But at the same time, Harriet can see the excitement running through her, at the idea of leaving Frowel for the first time. She can see Estelle’s eyes light up with eagerness.
Estelle takes a deep breath. “Let’s do it,” she says. “Let’s go.”
---
Joonmyun sighs, pleased, as he re-reads the first chapter. He knows the words so well by now that he can quote them off by heart. He knows the way Harriet thinks and the way Estelle smiles. He knows it as well as if he’d written it himself.
He hadn’t, of course. Riding the Waves is a fanfic, written by someone called ears2u (which is an awful name, but who is dragon_pen to judge?). It’s twenty-two chapters long and nearing the end, and is about the story of Harriet Wing and Estelle Brown, two of the three main characters of Dragon Riders, a popular TV show about Harriet, Estelle and Harriet’s twin brother Nick, as they become dragon riders and go on adventures.
There are three different types of fan of Dragon Riders. There are those who ship Nick/Estelle, and want them to end up together. There are the gross “twincest” shippers who don’t like Estelle. And finally there are the Harriet/Estelle shippers, known as “Brownings” to the rest of the fans.
Joonmyun is a Browning. He has always loved the way that Harriet reacts towards Estelle; looking after her when she’s shy but also helping to build her up so she’s strong, and Riding the Waves does such a good job of portraying it. Joonmyun has sent ears2u far too many excited comments, saying how much he loves it, to count. It’s the best fanfic he’s ever read. If only the TV show would go like this.
He’s onto the second chapter, for the umpteenth time, when he gets a notification popping up in the corner of the window. There’s a new chapter.
Joonmyun doesn’t squeal, but maybe he makes a manly squeak of excitement. The fic doesn’t operate on a schedule; just updates whenever the author has finished their next chapter, which can be anywhere from a few days to a few months. The longest wait was just after Joonmyun had found the fic, around chapter eleven. The wait for chapter twelve had been one of the longest four months of Joonmyun’s life. It had been a cliffhanger just as Harriet had thrown herself off the back of her grand white dragon-Perren-after Estelle had fallen. Joonmyun had been on tenterhooks for a long, long time.
The last update was also a cliffhanger, just before the end, before the final confession and the final battle-because of course there’s a battle; why have a fic about dragons and not include battles? He knows that the confession will be perfect because ears2u is perfect.
But the update, when he clicks on it, is not an update.
It’s a letter from the author thanking everyone, all his thousands of subscribers and readers and commenters, for their time and their love, but Riding the Waves has been hiatused permanently.
It continues,
I’m so sorry, but I can’t do this any longer. I know that you will be able to imagine Harriet’s confession for yourselves-maybe it’s grand, maybe it’s modest. Maybe it happens quickly? It’s up to you.
I love each and every one of you, but I’m afraid that in my world, Harriet doesn’t get her Estelle.
I’ve had a wonderful few years with you all, but it’s time to pack up my false hopes.
I’m so sorry.
Joonmyun stares at the page with wide, horrified eyes. He can’t believe what’s happening-he feels like the rug has been pulled out from under his feet. He can’t believe that this masterpiece, this absolutely perfect fic that speaks to him on such a personal level, has been abandoned for good.
He leaves the comment ;_____; I…I can’t believe this. TT____TT and then, for good measure, replies to his own comment with ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ, just to hammer it home. It’s a little excessive, sure, but he’s upset, and nobody should fault him for that.
Joonmyun doesn’t think he can even let it be at just that, so he starts a private message.
dragon_pen
Hi-um, I know we’re total strangers, and I’m sorry for prying, but can I ask why you’re abandoning RTW? I’m a really big fan of this fic. It’s so wonderful, and I feel so sad that it might not get finished. Do you think you’ll ever go back to it? m( -___- )m (✿◠‿◠)
He waits on tenterhooks for a response, some sign that ears2u has read his message, but the green light next to their username turns red. Joonmyun sighs and closes his laptop. He has other things to do, rather than sit and wait for a response on his favourite fic-like go and meet his friends. They’ve arranged to meet in their favourite café and Joonmyun is probably going to be late. He’s never late.
Joonmyun grabs his keys and wallet, jabs his feet into his shoes, and leaves, with just one last longing look at his laptop. It’ll still be there when he comes back, and maybe ears2u will have replied by then.
If Chanyeol and Baekhyun think he’s a little out of sorts, they don’t say anything. Baekhyun just talks about his girlfriend’s new hobby and Chanyeol talks about the basketball team he supports, and Joonmyun does his best to seem normal. It’s a little bit pathetic that he’s so upset about a fanfic, but he really, really likes it. He kind of needs it. Reading it makes him feel happy, like all’s well with the world. He needs Harriet and Estelle to get together, just to settle himself, to make himself feel alright.
Joonmyun leaves a little early, ignoring the pout on Chanyeol’s face, citing shopping as his excuse. He wasn’t lying-he really does need to buy food, so he does so; lengthening the time before he gets home to his laptop.
Once he’s arrived home and put away his shopping, he’s straight on his computer.
One new message.
Joonmyun has clicked on it before he can even take a breath.
ears2u
Oh hey, thanks! I’m glad you like RTW. I’ve seen you comment before! I wanted to ask-are you the dragon_pen from Magic Storm fandom? If you are, I used to follow your work! It was really good. If you’re a different one, I’m sorry for mixing you up.
As for RTW, I’m not sure I’ll ever go back. Sorry about that. I’m sure you have ideas about how it ends.
Joonmyun feels himself flush as he reads the message sent to him. Magic Storm is his previous fandom; a magical girl anime about a girl who can control the weather. He’d been a fanartist for it-always drawing pictures of Nanami, the main character, in her various costumes and outfits. He’d stopped once Magic Storm had ended and he’d got into Dragon Riders. He hadn’t realised that people remembered him.
dragon_pen
Um, yeah, that’s me? ^^” You were into Magic Storm too?
ears2u
Yeah! My best friend and I used to watch it together, and then I’d come online and look for your updates!
Joonmyun smiles at the memory that hits him-he and Chanyeol, curled up under the covers as they watched episodes together. Joonmyun had liked Nanami the most, and Chanyeol had always liked Erika, Nanami’s cute and stylish best friend.
dragon_pen
Me too! I mean not the updates but my best friend and I used to watch it together.
ears2u
I suppose you must be feeling how I felt when you stopped posting pictures.
Joonmyun makes a face.
ears2u
Sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. Just-I loved your artwork, too. And I knew you wouldn’t continue because you weren’t into it any more.
The response makes it sound like ears2u’s dropped out of fandom, and she’s trying to give Joonmyun a hint.
dragon_pen
Are you not into DR anymore? .•´¯`(>▂<)´¯`•.
ears2u
Oh! No-I still love it. Sorry for confusing you. I just…I’m not able to write the fic anymore. Personal reasons.
dragon_pen
Do you…want to talk about it?
ears2u
:) It’s okay. I might take you up on that offer later, but right now I’ve got to go…thanks for asking, dragon_pen!
Shall I just call you dragon_pen?
Joonmyun bites his lip. He’s not sure he wants to introduce himself by his real name-maybe his mother’s advice about stalkers on the internet is sinking through, or maybe he just doesn’t want his name out there in the great wide world. So he offers the name he used to use in Magic Storm fandom: Jamie.
ears2u
Nice to meet you, Jamie! I’m Charlie! ;)
Somehow, Joonmyun doesn’t think that’s ears2u’s real name either, but he shrugs. It’s better than thinking of them-her?-by their-her?-username. Joonmyun presumes that they’re a girl, because the majority of Dragon Riders fans are girls in their teens and early twenties with crushes on the actor who plays Nick Brown. It seems easier to think that ears2u is a girl and wait to be proven wrong, if she is, in fact, a he. Or whatever pronoun they choose to use.
Joonmyun says goodbye to Charlie and watches as their light goes red. He spends the next fifteen minutes staring at the screen and wondering if she’ll talk to him again after, or if that’s all he’ll get from her.
He doesn’t want it to be his only conversation with her, he realises. He wants to delve deeper into her mind; see how she thinks. Her writing is powerful and meaningful, and he wants to know what caused her to write with such longing. Is she in a relationship? Did she have a bad break-up? Is she in an unrequited romance?
That night, after logging off, he does a simple, easy sketch of Nanami and Erika and colours it in, putting it aside to scan onto his computer in the morning. He tells himself it’s because Charlie reminded him that he missed drawing, but really he just wants to surprise her, and he wants her to keep talking to him.
Perhaps he should draw Estelle and Harriet as well, he thinks.
Maybe, if they talk, he can convince Charlie to finish the fic.
---
ears2u
You drew again!!
You have no idea how excited I was to see that picture! Thank you~!
Joonmyun grins at the message that’s just popped up-he’s been hoping for this reaction. That’s why he’d drawn it in the first place.
dragon_pen
You liked it? :) I’m glad! I had forgotten how much I love drawing! -(๑☆‿ ☆#)ᕗ
He’d worked hard on it this morning; fixing the colour and smoothing out the edges in Photoshop, just to make it perfect and ready to be posted. He’s already had excited comments posted on the picture and on Twitter, including some wondering if he’s come back, even though he’d made sure he said it was a one-off-a reunion of him and Magic Storm. There wouldn’t be any more.
That doesn’t stop people from asking.
ears2u
I love it! I love what you did for Erika, she’s so pretty! ( ﾟ▽ﾟ)/
dragon_pen
You’re like my best friend…he always liked Erika the most.
ears2u
He has good taste! Erika’d be gorgeous if she was a real person!
They talk a bit more about Magic Storm for a bit before Charlie says she has to go shopping.
ears2u
Let’s do this again tomorrow, okay? ♥
Joonmyun feels accomplished.
---
They talk every day for the next few weeks-more than Joonmyun talks to Chanyeol, Baekhyun, or his university classmates. Joonmyun learns new things about Charlie interspersed throughout their conversations (which are mostly fandom related; she loves Harriet so much that she wishes she had a TV show just for herself)-she has one older sister, she likes hip-hop and cute boys, her favourite colour is black.
They’re partway through sharing fandom-related stories about famous fans and their fics, art, and drama-including a story about an American girl who tattooed Nick’s face on her bottom-when Charlie changes the topic suddenly.
ears2u
Jamie…do you like anyone?
Joonmyun furrows his brow in confusion. He hasn’t really had a crush on anyone in ages. The last crush he’s had was on a foreign exchange student when he was still in school; it was a tall and severely eyebrowed boy called Kevin who’d spoken about three words of Korean. He’d been very handsome, despite the eyebrow defect. He’d been the person who’d first clued Joonmyun into his attraction to guys rather than girls, and his resulting type had been formed in the moments Joonmyun laid eyes on him: tall, handsome, a bit stupid, very funny, and painfully adorable.
dragon_pen
Not really at the moment? Why?
ears2u
I just…
She doesn’t type any more for a few minutes. Joonmyun refreshes but nothing happens.
dragon_pen
Do you like someone?
ears2u
Yeah…
And then she comes out with it: she has a crush on her best friend, the same best friend that she’d watched Magic Storm with.
ears2u
He’s tiny and cute and I like him so much, but he doesn’t know. I’m not sure he likes me like that. I’m not sure he COULD like me like that?
And I haven’t seen him for weeks…we’ve talked on the phone a couple of times, but I’ve spoken to you more in the past month than I have him, and I miss him so much. T__T
dragon_pen
:( I’m sorry! I hope you get to see him again soon.
And how could he not like you? You’re so lovely, and kind, and talented. He’s stupid if he doesn’t like you!
ears2u
ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ He is stupid but so am I. I’m the one who likes him.
dragon_pen
You’re not stupid! :(
ears2u
I am. T_T
Don’t tell anyone but RTW was written for him.
He’s Estelle, I’m Harriet.
I wrote it as my outlet for my feelings for him…I was going to write up to the confession and maybe that would give me the courage to confess to him? But I got scared. He’s not going to like it, and I don’t want to lose him. We’ve been best friends since we were little. I NEED him.
Giving up on him that way also means giving up the fic, because they’re connected. That’s why I can’t continue. I know you still want me to. But I can’t. He’s everything to me. I can’t lose him.
Joonmyun can feel her love for her friend through her post. He can’t believe that her friend wouldn’t like her. If Joonmyun liked girls, maybe she would be the type of girl he liked-she’s filial, kind, talented, seems honest. She could be tall and attractive like the guys he likes. She’s clearly adorable.
Also, reading her post reminds him that he hasn’t seen his own best friend for a while. He rather misses Chanyeol when he doesn’t get to see him. Going to different universities will do that; make it so they don’t get a lot of chance to see each other.
Joonmyun grabs his phone with one hand and, with the other, types out a quick message to Charlie, telling her that he’s sure she wouldn’t lose her friend, and that she’s reminded him to phone his own friend, and that he’ll be back later.
Then he dials Chanyeol’s number almost without looking at the keypad.
“Hey,” Chanyeol says, picking up after only one ring. He sounds happy, which makes Joonmyun happy. “I was just thinking about you. It’s been a while since we hung out, right?”
“Yeah,” Joonmyun agrees. “Coffee in thirty?”
Chanyeol doesn’t look so good, though. In fact, he looks a bit like a lorry ran over him. He’s lost a bit of weight, his clothes not fitting properly, and he has prominent bags under his eyes.
Joonmyun swears. “Wow,” he says. “Are you okay?”
Chanyeol smiles at him, his eyes lighting up. “I’m great,” he says. He, at least, sounds happy. “It’s just been a hectic few weeks; I’ve got this essay to write and I’ve been up really late researching it.”
“Please get some sleep,” Joonmyun says, reaching across the table to pat Chanyeol’s hand. “I’ll sleep better myself knowing you’re okay.”
“I will,” Chanyeol says. “Don’t worry, Joonmyun-hyung. I’ll be okay.” He looks down at his cheesecake. Chanyeol had been there already when Joonmyun arrived, his laptop bag sitting beside him, and the cheesecake already there. He hasn’t eaten any of it since Joonmyun arrived. Joonmyun loves cheesecake. “Oh, hey,” Chanyeol says, brain working at the same speed as Joonmyun’s. “Help yourself.” He pushes the cheesecake further into the middle of the table.
Joonmyun does, breaking off a piece with the fork. It’s caramel, his favourite, and he moans in delight. “You know how to spoil a boy,” he says, with a grin.
Chanyeol looks strangely pinker than he had a minute ago. Joonmyun thinks that it is getting quite warm. He says so.
“Oh,” Chanyeol says, intelligently. Joonmyun smiles at him. “Uh, yeah, it is.”
“Thought so,” Joonmyun says. “You’re getting a bit flushed.”
If anything, Chanyeol gets even pinker at this.
It’s nice to be there with Chanyeol, just the two of them. These days it’s usually them and Baekhyun, or Jongdae, or Jongin. It’s never just Joonmyun and Chanyeol like it was in the old days when they’d curl up under Joonmyun’s covers and watch anime together. Joonmyun misses those days.
“Do you remember when we used to watch Magic Storm and Cloverflow?” Joonmyun says with a smile. “I miss those days.”
Chanyeol looks surprised, but he smiles. “Yeah, me too.”
They talk until the café closes and they have to leave so Chanyeol can get back to his essay. Joonmyun finishes the cheesecake and buys Chanyeol another one, of which he also eats the majority. Chanyeol says it’s okay because they’re both twigs and never put on any weight. Joonmyun spoon-feeds him the last third of the cheesecake in return.
“You’re too skinny,” he says. “You should eat more.” He punctuates it with a pat to Chanyeol’s bony, stubbly cheek. If he didn’t know better, he’d say Chanyeol leaned into his hand-but no, that would be stupid.
It hurts to leave Chanyeol after such a fun afternoon, but he does, giving Chanyeol a hug that lingers a bit too long on both their parts; neither of them wanting to leave and go home.
When he gets home, there’s another message from Charlie.
ears2u
Saw my boy today. ♥ Thank you for listening to me…you made me feel better, and then he made me feel great! I feel so blessed. I hope you had as great an afternoon as I did! ♥ Night!
Joonmyun smiles and closes his laptop.
---
Their conversations slowly turn more to Charlie’s crush on her best friend. Joonmyun has only ever been in one relationship, when he was fifteen, and it wasn’t with a boy. He feels like he can’t really be of much use. But the one thing he’s always believed is that you should tell the truth, and you shouldn’t keep secrets in a friendship. He’s constantly telling Charlie to tell her friend that she likes him, but she always comes up with some kind of excuse as to why she can’t tell him yet.
ears2u
What if he hates me? I’m his best friend, not his…you know.
dragon_pen
He won’t hate you. How can he hate you? You’re clearly important to him. I’m sure that, even if he doesn’t like you like that, he’ll do his best to keep your friendship going.
ears2u
How can you be so sure?
Anyway, it’d be really awkward. I’d be thinking, “He doesn’t like me,” and he’d be thinking of me liking him…all the time…it wouldn’t be fun to be friends any more. :( I don’t want to be the one who does that to us.
Joonmyun supposes he can understand where she’s coming from. If…if Baekhyun confessed, for example (not that he would, as he has a girlfriend, but if he did), it would be really awkward, and Joonmyun isn’t sure he’d know what to do aside from politely reject him. But he wouldn’t want to lose Baekhyun over something like that. Though he’d understand if Baekhyun were then too upset to stay friends.
But that would destroy their friendship. Joonmyun wouldn’t want to lose any of his friends. He couldn’t bear it.
dragon_pen
Because that’s what I’d do if my friend confessed and I didn’t like them like that, and wouldn’t ever like them. If I liked them enough to be friends, I wouldn’t want to damage that by losing them.
But I suppose it’d be worse for you, if your heart’s been broken. Would you be too upset to stay friends?
ears2u
Yes. TT_TT
I don’t know. If he got upset and angry, or judged me? Or worse, PITIED me? I couldn’t cope with that.
It’d be a waste to throw a 15-year friendship down the drain, but it would be to protect myself. I’d need to do it. I’d hope he’d understand-he’d probably want me out of his life too.
Joonmyun wishes he could hug her. She sounds like she could do with a hug.
dragon_pen
Don’t think about that possibility. You’ll just upset yourself.
The face she sends back is adorable and Joonmyun really wishes he could hug her, or at least comfort her in some way that would help her. He doesn’t think that telling her to confess will help right now.
But he doesn’t stop telling her. One day she’ll have to tell her friend; rip the plaster off and jump in at the deep end. She can’t keep it a secret from him forever.
And when that happens, Joonmyun will be there for her, no matter the result.
Joonmyun knows that she appreciates it, even if she’s currently too afraid to do it.
---
Joonmyun tries to see Chanyeol more often over the next few weeks, if only briefly to check that he’s not wasting away. It seems to be doing the trick. Chanyeol puts back on the weight he’d lost, filling out his clothes better. His mood brightens as he does so. Joonmyun feels better for it, too. He had been rather worried.
“I got a First for that essay,” Chanyeol had said gleefully the last time they’d met up. “You really helped me. Thanks, Hyung.” He’d taken Joonmyun’s hand and squeezed, looking down at Joonmyun with a large smile on his face.
There had been a beat before Joonmyun had replied. “It was all you; no need to thank me. You wrote it,” he’d said. Chanyeol had laughed.
Joonmyun doesn’t quite understand why his body had tingled.
It comes up briefly in conversation with Charlie, just an offhand comment about the tingles in his stomach and the way Chanyeol smiles, like he’s always the happiest he’s ever been.
ears2u
Jamie has a cru~sh! ♥
Joonmyun squeaks out loud.
dragon_pen
I don’t! Not on-not on him, he’s my best friend. It just…I couldn’t like him like that. I’ve known him since we were tiny.
ears2u
I don’t think it stops just because you want it to, Jamie.
Anyway, I’ve known my best friend for that long and it didn’t stop me from falling for him! I like my best friend. Even though nothing can come of it.
It’s not impossible.
Joonmyun stares at the words in front of him. He can’t like Chanyeol. It just can’t be possible. There’s no way. Chanyeol’s been his best friend since he was practically a toddler and Chanyeol even smaller. It would be wrong to like him.
Yet Chanyeol ticks all of his boxes. He is everything Kevin was and more.
Joonmyun refuses to believe it.
dragon_pen
Speaking of, have you told him yet?
ears2u
:( Of course not. I’d need to ask him something first…tell him something first. I’m too scared to.
dragon_pen
What do you need to tell/ask him?
ears2u
That……
Charlie doesn’t continue for several minutes. Joonmyun watches the box, refreshes, trying to see if she’s updated. He doesn’t understand why she hasn’t said anything.
ears2u
This is hard for me. I’m sorry. I’ve never told anyone before.
Joonmyun furrows his brow.
ears2u
I can trust you, right?
dragon_pen
Of course you can!
ears2u
I like boys.
Joonmyun stares at the three words before him in confusion. What’s so surprising about that? They’ve been talking for months now-Joonmyun’s well aware that Charlie likes boys. And why shouldn’t she?
He’s starting to write Yeah, I knew that, when another message arrives.
ears2u
And I don’t know if he likes boys too.
He probably likes girls.
This message absolutely floors Joonmyun. It takes some moments for the cogs to work to tell him what these two sentences mean.
Joonmyun’s been talking to Charlie for weeks, assuming that Charlie is a girl, as one tends to do in a female-driven fandom, but he’s just realising that Charlie isn’t a girl. Charlie’s a boy. Charlie’s a boy in love with his male best friend.
dragon_pen
Oh! Yeah, I suppose that’s a problem.
You should ask him. Or maybe…give him a hint?
ears2u
I can’t. ㅠㅠㅠ How would I say it so I didn’t freak him out?
Joonmyun sighs. This has reminded him that he hasn’t yet told Chanyeol, Baekhyun, Jongdae or Jongin about his own taste in humans. He should do that. Next time they hang out, maybe. It’s an important thing to tell people he cares about. They should know.
dragon_pen
You’ll come up with a way, I believe in you!
He adds, because he’s feeling charitable,
dragon_pen
I’m in the same position as you.
The last thing he sees before he turns off his laptop is,
ears2u
!!!!!!!!!!!!!! @(。・o・)@
---
The next time they hang out together, the five of them, Joonmyun waits for a lull in the conversation before blurting it out. It’s probably inappropriate timing anyway, but he needs to say it.
“I’m gay,” he says.
Jongin, who’d taken a deep breath like he was going to say something, lets it go.
“Oh,” Jongdae says. “Well, okay.”
“Good thing you said that before I set you up with Taeyeon-noona’s friend,” Baekhyun says. Joonmyun can’t tell if he’s being serious or not. That’s Baekhyun for you. Joonmyun wouldn’t be surprised to find out he had been planning to set him up with one of his girlfriend’s friends.
Jongin doesn’t say anything, but he shrugs, as if to say it doesn’t matter.
The only person who doesn’t say anything is Chanyeol, who bites his lip and fidgets with his jumper, looking everywhere except Joonmyun.
Joonmyun’s face falls. What if Chanyeol can’t accept him? What if Chanyeol thinks he’s disgusting? He’d been so busy trying to tell Charlie not to think about this outcome that he hadn’t considered it himself.
So Joonmyun doesn’t prod. He doesn’t want to hasten Chanyeol’s revulsion.
“I’m sorry,” he says softly.
This seems to do the trick. Chanyeol looks up at him, eyes wide. “Don’t be,” he says. When Joonmyun frowns in confusion, Chanyeol adds hastily, “Sorry, I meant. Don’t be sorry. It’s okay.” He smiles at Joonmyun, but it doesn’t reach his eyes, and when they leave, Chanyeol doesn’t hug him as tightly as usual.
Joonmyun thinks he’s broken something in their friendship, and it hurts.
---
ears2u
I had the opportunity today…to do as you said. To tell him. But I was too scared. （／_＼） I couldn’t do it. I’m sorry.
dragon_pen
Don’t be. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it does ruin friendships.
---
Joonmyun doesn’t see Chanyeol for several weeks. He hangs out with Baekhyun and Jongdae a few times, and Jongin once, but Chanyeol is conspicuously absent.
When he asks where Chanyeol is, they just shrug and say he has essays. Joonmyun supposes that Chanyeol doesn’t usually mention any essays to him, so this isn’t exactly out of character. But somehow it still worries him. And he misses Chanyeol. On more than one occasion he types out a text to him that he deletes. Only once does he send a text that says, I missed you today :(.
He doesn’t get a response.
What’s weirder is that Charlie’s also not around as much-he (it’s almost weird to think of him as he) seems really busy, and it just makes Joonmyun feel even lonelier than usual.
Finally, he gets a text from Chanyeol, several weeks after they’ve last spoken, asking him to their usual café.
Joonmyun is somewhat unsure when he gets there. He doesn’t know what to expect.
Chanyeol looks strange. He’s in Joonmyun’s favourite jumper, one he’d bought him years ago, after his growth spurt, and it’s paired with a collared shirt, which is something Joonmyun very rarely sees Chanyeol in. He looks well-put-together, which is a good thing because he’s still somewhat gaunt and sickly-looking.
A piece of cheesecake is sitting there, like always. Joonmyun smiles a little-that settles him, after seeing Chanyeol’s curious sartorial choices.
“Hey,” Joonmyun says, sitting down across from Chanyeol. He feels underdressed. “It’s been a while.”
Chanyeol holds up one hand, his other white-knuckling on the table. “I’ve got to…I’ve got to say this, before I lose my nerve.”
“Okay?” Joonmyun says, brow furrowed in confusion.
“I…” Chanyeol says, and then he shakes his head. “I’m sorry I was so off last time we talked, I was really surprised.”
“I could tell,” Joonmyun says.
“No!” Chanyeol says. “Don’t talk, please.”
Joonmyun sits back in his chair, lifting his hands in a surrender, before lowering them again.
“I just…I never expected that you could…you could like…”
Joonmyun feels his face drop, falling into a grimace. This is starting to feel like a break-up speech. He’d thought he’d be safe from that, but apparently not.
“No!” Chanyeol almost shouts, loud with his frustration. He’s never been good with words when he’s upset. Joonmyun should have expected this to be awkward. “I never thought you were like me.”
Joonmyun hadn’t been expecting that.
“Oh,” Joonmyun says, eyes wide with surprise. He’s…happy, he thinks. Happy that Chanyeol’s not upset with him, and happy because he’s not the only one who likes boys in their friendship group.
“I didn’t know how to say it,” Chanyeol says, voice quiet now. “I was…I was scared. But…you made me see that it’s okay for me to…to like who I like. Thank you.”
Joonmyun reaches over the table to peel Chanyeol’s whitening fingers away from the table as gently as he can. He links their fingers together gently, Chanyeol’s large palm dwarfing his smaller one. “It’s okay,” he says. “We’ll be together every step of the way. We can make it through this.”
“That’s just the thing,” Chanyeol says. “I want you to be there with me.”
“Well of course,” Joonmyun says. “We’re best friends.”
“No,” Chanyeol says. “You’ve always been more than that to me. Joonmyun-hyung, I…” He looks down, at their entwined fingers, and he rushes out, “I really like you.”
Joonmyun hadn’t been expecting that either.
This feels strangely like déjà vu, except that’s impossible, because this has never happened to him before.
“Oh,” Joonmyun repeats. And then, somewhat dumbly, “Really?”
“Yes,” Chanyeol says. “I…I’ve liked you for a long time. And you should know. I didn’t want to keep it from you any longer.”
Joonmyun just looks at him. He can’t think of anything. He doesn’t know whether he’s happy, confused, relieved-he just doesn’t understand his emotions right now. “I don’t know what to say,” he says. “But I’m not…this isn’t a rejection. Not now. I just need to get my thoughts in order.”
“Okay,” Chanyeol says. “I’ll give you time. Eat the cheesecake.”
He stands, Joonmyun’s hand falling empty from his grasp, and then he leaves without even a hug. Joonmyun feels even worse than when he’d arrived. He tries to eat the cake, but it tastes like ash on his tongue, and he has to force himself to swallow it, even as tears well in his eyes. He doesn’t know why he’s so upset. He should probably be happy. Charlie’s always told him that he likes Chanyeol. But he just doesn’t know what to do. He’s never planned for this.
He heads home and logs onto his computer.
dragon_pen
I was confessed to today.
ears2u
Really? Who by?
dragon_pen
My best friend.
ears2u
Congratulations!
dragon_pen
I couldn’t say anything to him. I didn’t know what to say. I should…I should say yes, shouldn’t I?
ears2u
You DO like him!
You should say yes and win your Harriet.
Maybe if you get your Harriet, I’ll get my Estelle.
dragon_pen
Maybe.
ears2u
This is just so funny… ⊙０⊙
How did he confess?
dragon_pen
He just…he told me he liked boys and then he just said it. I hadn’t even processed that and then he came out with it, and like??? You don’t do that! You don’t just spring that on people, even if they like you back. It just doesn’t make sense. YES I like you but give me time to THINK before you go telling me you’ve liked me for ages! That’s the kindest thing, isn’t it?
There’s a pause for a moment, during which Joonmyun realises that he’s confessed to liking Chanyeol for the first time-until then he’d been in denial, but apparently not any more. Maybe the confession helped.
Then,
ears2u
OH MY GOD.
And the green light next to Charlie’s username turns red.
Joonmyun frowns. He doesn’t understand what has just happened. What’s Charlie shouting for? What’s surprised him so much?
He turns off his computer, still confused, and goes to do some reading for school.
He’s partway through the chapter when he receives a text. It’s from Chanyeol and consists of nothing but exclamation marks and ends with a swearword.
Joonmyun frowns at it in confusion, but he doesn’t have much time to ponder in his confusion, because then he receives another text. I’m coming over. 5 mins.
This startles Joonmyun into automatic tidy-up mode, trying to make sure that the front room of his tiny flat is as clean as he can get it in five minutes.
Chanyeol arrives far too soon, sweating and looking like a mess. He’s carrying a bike, which he settles by the door.
“I,” he says, panting, “hate you.”
“Well,” Joonmyun says, “that’s not true and you know it.”
“You never told me you draw,” Chanyeol says. “You’ve basically been lying to me for fifteen years.”
“It never came up in conversation,” Joonmyun says. “How did you find out?”
“I just realised something,” Chanyeol says, “so I asked Baekhyun. He says you used to draw for Magic Storm.”
“Yeah,” Joonmyun says.
“You never told me,” Chanyeol continues, “but Baekhyun knew?”
“He walked in on me drawing one day,” Joonmyun says. “It was a secret, nobody was supposed to know.”
“Yeah, but see, I knew who you were. I was your fan, Dragon Pen,” Chanyeol says. “And…and I think you’re mine too.” He pauses. “Jamie.”
And Joonmyun gets it. He gets it.
He swears. “No way.”
“Yes,” Chanyeol says.
“We’re so stupid.”
Chanyeol looks like he’s going to protest, but he doesn’t, just laughs. Joonmyun hasn’t seen him so happy in ages.
“I can’t believe it,” Joonmyun says.
He really can’t. Chanyeol is ears2u. Chanyeol is the author he’s been watching for so long, the author of his favourite fic. Chanyeol is the person Joonmyun’s been talking to, all these weeks.
“I guess it’s fate,” Chanyeol says. “I very much liked you even when I didn’t know it was you. And I know you like me. That’s the good thing about you confessing without knowing you were confessing.”
Joonmyun blushes, but doesn’t deny it.
“Does that mean I can take you out at some point?” Chanyeol asks, moving steadily closer to Joonmyun until they’re toe-to-toe, Joonmyun looking up at him. “Do something together, just the two of us.”
“Of course,” Joonmyun says. “Though that’s nothing new.”
“I know what is new,” Chanyeol says quietly.
He tilts Joonmyun’s chin up. Joonmyun smiles and moves with him, leaning up to meet him half way.
The kiss is gentle and innocent, just a closed-mouth peck, but it’s sweet and soft and Joonmyun’s innards tingle with happiness and warmth and he just feels so satisfied with everything. There’s only one thing that could make this better.
“Does this mean you’ll finish Riding the Waves?” Joonmyun asks.
“Haha,” Chanyeol says. “Don’t be cheeky.”
---
Estelle reaches out to touch a pale hand to Harriet’s cheek. “It’s always been you,” she says, with a warm smile on her face. She looks like she may be about to cry. Harriet wants to kiss the tears away. “You’ve been with me since the beginning.”
“So has Nick,” Harriet says, even though part of her is just arguing for the sake of arguing. Estelle likes her.
“I don’t care about Nick,” Estelle says. “He’s lovely, but he’s not the girl I fell in love with. I’ve-I’ve been waiting for this moment for so long.”
“As have I,” Harriet says. She still can’t believe this is real. “I’ve been waiting for so many years to kiss you.”
“So don’t wait any longer,” Estelle says, smiling.
So Harriet doesn’t.