(no subject)
My birth did not go well. I started prodomal labor Thursday night and it went on for about 36 hours at home before going to the birth center Saturday night. I should have known something was wrong when I got checked and was still at a 6 because the pain was excruciating and I don't think it was supposed to be. It was horrible back pain that wouldn't subside and I wasn't progressing very well. We tried everything the birth center had at their disposal. I was at a 9 on Sunday morning and stayed that way for the next nine hours. We even ruptured my waters at this point. I was incoherent and hysterical at this point and we finally decided to transfer after 24 total hours of active labor.
At the hospital I consented to an epidural hoping I would relax and finish dilating. I still wasn't and consented to pitocin. After another eight hours I was fully dilated but not feeling much urge to push. We tried and waited and after four hours of pushing I was just spent and couldn't handle it anymore. I let them section me at 5:20 on Monday after a total of 36 hours of active labor.
My baby girl ended up being 13 lbs 8 oz, 23.2 inches, and having a head measurement of 15.2 cm. I know that I did more than most people would ever do but I still feel absolutely gutted when I think about how it was supposed to be versus how it was. I can't think about my birth without tears and frustration. I feel like it was my fault, like I should have allowed an ultrasound or been more proactive, or I ate the wrong things and made her too big. I just make myself sick thinking about my beautiful birth center birth where she could be born warm and safe and gently instead of being yanked out of me. I feel like I cheated her out of something amazing, and myself too.
And on top of everything else she has started refusing to nurse. She didn't do it well in the hospital and I ended up with sore and cracked nipples but everyone there said it would be fine and I was doing it right. Friday night she started fighting hard and then after a 5 am feed refuses totally and screams when I try to feed her. I've asked so many people for help but between her refusing to get on in the first place and having a bad latch in the second I'm just overwhelmed.
My whole world has crashed and I don't know how I'm going to get out of it.
At the hospital I consented to an epidural hoping I would relax and finish dilating. I still wasn't and consented to pitocin. After another eight hours I was fully dilated but not feeling much urge to push. We tried and waited and after four hours of pushing I was just spent and couldn't handle it anymore. I let them section me at 5:20 on Monday after a total of 36 hours of active labor.
My baby girl ended up being 13 lbs 8 oz, 23.2 inches, and having a head measurement of 15.2 cm. I know that I did more than most people would ever do but I still feel absolutely gutted when I think about how it was supposed to be versus how it was. I can't think about my birth without tears and frustration. I feel like it was my fault, like I should have allowed an ultrasound or been more proactive, or I ate the wrong things and made her too big. I just make myself sick thinking about my beautiful birth center birth where she could be born warm and safe and gently instead of being yanked out of me. I feel like I cheated her out of something amazing, and myself too.
And on top of everything else she has started refusing to nurse. She didn't do it well in the hospital and I ended up with sore and cracked nipples but everyone there said it would be fine and I was doing it right. Friday night she started fighting hard and then after a 5 am feed refuses totally and screams when I try to feed her. I've asked so many people for help but between her refusing to get on in the first place and having a bad latch in the second I'm just overwhelmed.
My whole world has crashed and I don't know how I'm going to get out of it.