It's been a while...
I haven't written for a bit, well, because there isn't much to tell.
Basically, I'm not on sleep meds now. The psychiatrist and GP are in cahoots about waiting to see how the sleep study pans out and to see if the new med makes a dent on it's own. The sleep study was it's own version of hell, but it's something in the hopes of finding a cure, rather than a band-aid medication. I'm all for that. However, the new med is doing very well on the emotional front, but not so much on the sleep front.
On the Saphris/Lamictal combo, I would say emotionally and rest- wise, I was a 9 on a scale of 10-10 being the best- in how effective the med combo was. I was active, I was well rested and I really felt *good* about life and where I was heading. Then, well, the allergy happened, and it was too short lived.
Now, on the Abilify/Lamictal combo, I would say I'm about a 7 on a scale of 10. I feel emotionally better, but I don't have near the amount of energy or feeling of peace that I felt on the Saphris. Now, don't get me wrong, I was about a 2 before I went on leave(on a good day), about a 5 when I was on leave. Then, I was about a 7 when I went back to work- but before the Saphris took full effect- and I was sleeping medicated, but much better. SO, not to knock where I'm at in any way. To date, I don't feel any major negative side effects- just ravenous hunger and cravings for certain things.
I would say I feel my emotions now, but they feel stronger, and harder to suppress somehow. Not depressed, but jealousy, frustration, envy and want(as opposed to need). Things like that. I don't know how to handle these emotions. In my past, I felt them, but I had to suppress them a LOT during my time in the cult. Then, after the cult, I was so focused on getting to "normal" that it didn't even register. Plus, I didn't know anyone or anything to feel these things about- to any degree that made me unhappy anyway. I've lived my life so much on the want vs need principle that it's tough for me to admit wants, even on the most basic level. I have focused so much on getting just what I need and being grateful for that, I feel so selfish and "needy" to want more than is absolutely necessary.
I also don't know if the labels I put on these emotions are right. I mean it took me years to admit it wasn't "spiritual weakness", but depression that was making life so difficult. Once I defined it correctly, it was much easier to work with and find solutions for. Even if I do find the right labels, I don't even begin to know how to find solutions to them.
It feels weird to say these things... As a grown-up, there are things I am SUPER self- aware of- more so than most- and as a result, I should know myself better than I do now. I should know these feelings and how to handle them. But, in my defense(not an excuse- just an opportunity to learn), one of the things that is often identified among cult members is that their emotional development is stunted at the age they joined the cult. I joined when I was 19, and anyone from my childhood will tell you I was embarassingly naieve and immature in regards to emotional development.