Today was, um... well...yeah...
I had lunch with Travis and he told me something interesting. He asked me "Well, I thought you were coming back week 4, what did you do, talk them in to "riding it out" a couple of weeks more"? I said no, that I still had some issues- the sleeping and that my doctor(s) thought it best for me to stay out til I did. He responded "well, musta been nice." I got the distinct impression that he thought I was faking it the whole time and that I was milking my workplace. I also got the impression that he thought it was a way for me to get out and find a new job. Very sad lunch to say the least...
However, I had a meeting with my boss today too. We have 1 on 1 meetings every week to go over our performance and bring up any issues that may be going on with us or our students. My boss told me that she had fully expected me to take the first week easy and then get back into the swing of things. She said she noticed I took about the first four hours and then I was as active and productive as I had been when I had left. Furthermore, she told me that she had several people come to her and say that I was a dramatically different worker and person. She said they told her I looked happy and relaxed for the first time in a year. She also said that people had been commenting on how I wasn't as emotional and erratic in my moods and actions as well. Of course, I got all emotional and teared up.
She then said with my performance, and previous history that she wants me to take on more responsibility and seeking to help me "take on the role of responsibility and leadership that my skills warrant and to take on the additional responsibilities we know you are capable of." Not that they have an official title for me or anything. It would be an unoffficial role of kinda like an assistant manager thing without the title, and most likely without the pay. She said that this was because there were some positions that were scheduled to open up in the next year or so that she feels I would be perfect for, but I have to prove growth and maturity in my willingness and ability to lead and also to show marked improvement in my internal customer service skills.
OK, I was already emotional and the last two weeks had been hard enough on me... Then to hear this, well, I just started to cry. I basically told her "look, I do my job well because I like it and frankly, I am just naturally good at this. But to be honest, the last three months have been hell on me and just doing my job is all I can handle right now, and you requesting that I take on additional responsibility frankly scares the crap out of me. Right now I am not looking to 'exceed' anyone's expectations, I am just trying to just not screw things up t0o badly. And, as much as I really want to take on more, and I am flattered you suggest it, I just can't."
So, she said "OK... It's just that we were so pleased by your peformance when you returned, like you hadn't missed a beat, that this would be interesting to you. Well if it takes you 1 year or 5 years, I still want you to think about it and seek to live up to your potential."
I was shocked, flattered, angry, hurt and depressed all at the same time. Now granted, after worrying for so long that I might not HAVE my job when I returned, this created an extra layer of shock and awe... I mean, it blows my mind... really it does. It was flattering to hear this about myself and made me feel all the more validated. But at the same time I felt really angry. I mean, Travis HAD told her that I was going though severe emotional issues, and for her to tell me this two weeks after returning- and expecting me to "rise to the occasion", showed her to be terribly insensitve or ignorant. I mean, no one I know would be able to take 6 weeks off of work, come back for two weeks and then be told that more would be expected of them just like that!!! I was also depressed, because it was the type of validation I had sought for so long before I was out, and although I really want the better role and more recognition for my performance, there is NO WAY I can hope to do that and remain healthy at the same time.
What also kept going on in my mind was... If I really wanted a promotion, I mean really... I've been in the industry for 10 years as a cog, and have enjoyed the limited responsibility and accountability it has given me. And to be honest, now is when I needed most. Yet, it's now being flaunted in my face- a goddamned carrot. With the same damn string.
Aahh, the internal customer service thing.... That damn issue again. Basically she said I need to work on interacting with other coworkers outside of my department. Apparently I have a reputation of not getting along with the Admissions advisiors and as a result, I am kinda blackballed in that area. OK, there are four advisiors I don't get along with. Two were fired because of misconduct that I discovered and reported and two others who are assistant managers who felt I wronged them in some way. Basically they are the bottom layer of used car salesmen of the admissions world, yet, I am required to suck up to them. One got promoted and left our campus(and is a major slacker at his new role), and the other got promoted and well, within the first week of his promotion, he did something that was against policy and I called him on it- politely and personally in an email only to him. So, he wrote my supervisor and reported me for something akin to insubordination. It turned out, even though I did the right thing, it was felt that I did not give him the respect his role was due.
I asked her what, other than two instances does she have to reference, and she said she had "evidence" of both plus more that were going to be a part of my annual review in a couple of weeks. She said that there were some issues I acknowledged, corrected and was fine. There are others- although she wouldn't specify what- are ongoing issues. I asked her pointedly what they were- in order to know so I could improve upon them- and she said "don't worry, we'll discuss them during your review."
So quite an emotional day for me... And I just don't know how to feel about it. I mean I want to be happy because of the good things said about me. But all I can feel is anger and sadness because I don't know what I'm doing wrong or how to fix it. Also, because I can't do what they want me to do, I am afraid all over again- what kind of risk is not taking the carrot going to mean?
However, I had a meeting with my boss today too. We have 1 on 1 meetings every week to go over our performance and bring up any issues that may be going on with us or our students. My boss told me that she had fully expected me to take the first week easy and then get back into the swing of things. She said she noticed I took about the first four hours and then I was as active and productive as I had been when I had left. Furthermore, she told me that she had several people come to her and say that I was a dramatically different worker and person. She said they told her I looked happy and relaxed for the first time in a year. She also said that people had been commenting on how I wasn't as emotional and erratic in my moods and actions as well. Of course, I got all emotional and teared up.
She then said with my performance, and previous history that she wants me to take on more responsibility and seeking to help me "take on the role of responsibility and leadership that my skills warrant and to take on the additional responsibilities we know you are capable of." Not that they have an official title for me or anything. It would be an unoffficial role of kinda like an assistant manager thing without the title, and most likely without the pay. She said that this was because there were some positions that were scheduled to open up in the next year or so that she feels I would be perfect for, but I have to prove growth and maturity in my willingness and ability to lead and also to show marked improvement in my internal customer service skills.
OK, I was already emotional and the last two weeks had been hard enough on me... Then to hear this, well, I just started to cry. I basically told her "look, I do my job well because I like it and frankly, I am just naturally good at this. But to be honest, the last three months have been hell on me and just doing my job is all I can handle right now, and you requesting that I take on additional responsibility frankly scares the crap out of me. Right now I am not looking to 'exceed' anyone's expectations, I am just trying to just not screw things up t0o badly. And, as much as I really want to take on more, and I am flattered you suggest it, I just can't."
So, she said "OK... It's just that we were so pleased by your peformance when you returned, like you hadn't missed a beat, that this would be interesting to you. Well if it takes you 1 year or 5 years, I still want you to think about it and seek to live up to your potential."
I was shocked, flattered, angry, hurt and depressed all at the same time. Now granted, after worrying for so long that I might not HAVE my job when I returned, this created an extra layer of shock and awe... I mean, it blows my mind... really it does. It was flattering to hear this about myself and made me feel all the more validated. But at the same time I felt really angry. I mean, Travis HAD told her that I was going though severe emotional issues, and for her to tell me this two weeks after returning- and expecting me to "rise to the occasion", showed her to be terribly insensitve or ignorant. I mean, no one I know would be able to take 6 weeks off of work, come back for two weeks and then be told that more would be expected of them just like that!!! I was also depressed, because it was the type of validation I had sought for so long before I was out, and although I really want the better role and more recognition for my performance, there is NO WAY I can hope to do that and remain healthy at the same time.
What also kept going on in my mind was... If I really wanted a promotion, I mean really... I've been in the industry for 10 years as a cog, and have enjoyed the limited responsibility and accountability it has given me. And to be honest, now is when I needed most. Yet, it's now being flaunted in my face- a goddamned carrot. With the same damn string.
Aahh, the internal customer service thing.... That damn issue again. Basically she said I need to work on interacting with other coworkers outside of my department. Apparently I have a reputation of not getting along with the Admissions advisiors and as a result, I am kinda blackballed in that area. OK, there are four advisiors I don't get along with. Two were fired because of misconduct that I discovered and reported and two others who are assistant managers who felt I wronged them in some way. Basically they are the bottom layer of used car salesmen of the admissions world, yet, I am required to suck up to them. One got promoted and left our campus(and is a major slacker at his new role), and the other got promoted and well, within the first week of his promotion, he did something that was against policy and I called him on it- politely and personally in an email only to him. So, he wrote my supervisor and reported me for something akin to insubordination. It turned out, even though I did the right thing, it was felt that I did not give him the respect his role was due.
I asked her what, other than two instances does she have to reference, and she said she had "evidence" of both plus more that were going to be a part of my annual review in a couple of weeks. She said that there were some issues I acknowledged, corrected and was fine. There are others- although she wouldn't specify what- are ongoing issues. I asked her pointedly what they were- in order to know so I could improve upon them- and she said "don't worry, we'll discuss them during your review."
So quite an emotional day for me... And I just don't know how to feel about it. I mean I want to be happy because of the good things said about me. But all I can feel is anger and sadness because I don't know what I'm doing wrong or how to fix it. Also, because I can't do what they want me to do, I am afraid all over again- what kind of risk is not taking the carrot going to mean?