(no subject)
i got so scared last night. my thoughts were paralyzed in my head, and i had no way of speaking to my articulate friends. i had half a bottle of wine, some skyy vodka and some jim beam in me. i smoked and then was retarded and embarassed.
and they were embarassed for me.
and i breathed into my own bubble and said no no no dont looka t me.
i went back to my room that was turned all the way upside down. my underpants were in the trash, my cigarettes were spread all over the bed. wire and paper clippings and cds, pens, glitter, feathers. too many, everywhere. a bobbypin type of mess is the hardest to clean. really really really.
then i fell into the scary state. like the dark and self loathing spirit world that pauline falls into in that awful native american book, tracks. my world was dark blood red and spinning with terrible chunks of off white.
i vomited up my poison.
into the trashbag, and it spilled out again onto my lap and onto my comforter.
i got delicate then. i carefully took off all my clothes. fixed the trashbag so it wouldnt leak. left things as they were. i lay down in my freshly made bed. then i woke up and was okay again. just embarassed.
and they were embarassed for me.
and i breathed into my own bubble and said no no no dont looka t me.
i went back to my room that was turned all the way upside down. my underpants were in the trash, my cigarettes were spread all over the bed. wire and paper clippings and cds, pens, glitter, feathers. too many, everywhere. a bobbypin type of mess is the hardest to clean. really really really.
then i fell into the scary state. like the dark and self loathing spirit world that pauline falls into in that awful native american book, tracks. my world was dark blood red and spinning with terrible chunks of off white.
i vomited up my poison.
into the trashbag, and it spilled out again onto my lap and onto my comforter.
i got delicate then. i carefully took off all my clothes. fixed the trashbag so it wouldnt leak. left things as they were. i lay down in my freshly made bed. then i woke up and was okay again. just embarassed.