Apr 08, 2004 20:21
So been doing some thinking about nothing inparticular which is always a dangerous thing because you always start thinking about things you really wanted to avoid in the first place- does ne one else get that?
I let my self stupidly slip with steven and after much deliberating we decided to go our separate ways, thats fine, it was torterous for a few days not knowing, but know its sorted its helped end it all and it feels ok, i think sometimes when we expect ourselves to fall apart we, we cope, purely because we have to, some sort of break up survival tactic.
Went to my physio person and he does hyponosis and stuff and he was jabbering on about self worth, but some of it must've gone in, cos it really made me think, and i feel like some knots are untangled and things are simpler than i made them out to be.
I feel more grown up, i feel able to tell the truth and face and deal with the consequences. I've discovered honesty is always best. I told adam and charles i just want to be friends with them, usually i'd drag it on,let it fade, but now i feel better in myself knowing that i've sorted it all out, i really dont want a relationship (i know i always say that!) but yeh if someone nice comes along i'm definatley going to be more cautious and more selective than before -i've learnt and it takes something bad to do that, but i'm glad it has. I've realised there have been people i've just settled for and i dont see why i should, why should anyone?
Theres lots in my life to glad of, family, friends, even my job, i got my own kids i teach that i get protective over and it may sound silly but i understand now more about being a parent, if any of the kids i teach started putting coke up their nose or smoking, i'd be so upset. sounds silly, but i've taught them for ages now. And this helps me to be better, i try and do more stuff around the house that i took for granted before, and consider other people more. This is part ov the reason i'm giving up smoking, yep, havent had one today, and i'm not going to again hopefully. I think i've got the confidence in myself now to believe that i can do it.
Started getting down properly to my revision too, i believe if i was with steven i'd be messing these exams up completely with stupid complications between us, now i wanna do it for me and for my parents. I've got something to work for, and for once it isnt to please a boy, ive found a peace inside of myself that makes me feel calmer and happier than i've felt in a good long time.
Playing badminton with my mum tomorrow which will be a laugh, its nice now that i have time to do the things i couldnt before because i was so preoccupied with steven and our relationship. Maybe no one understands anyone this entry, maybe you have to go through it, and yeah it was painful but the best part is discovering this whole part of life you've missed.I'm not gonna let my life revolve around pointless thing,i'm still working on my prorities, but hopefully i'll get there!