"In this moment of tranquility i realize that this is goodbye..."
what is there for me to say...so much has been happening on a constant basis that it'll be hard for me to keep track of what's what. i found my self i nice little block of time that maybe i'll be able to unload some of this shit off my chest. on an almost daily basis it seems life has been throwing me one shit ball after the other. or like falling domino pieces, continually falling on one another into smaller and smaller circles, sprialing down futher and futher dragging me along with them. i haven't had a decent nights sleep in about two weeks. i've come to the point where just getting out of bed in the morning is one of the most painful things i have to do, just because i've really lost the will too.
perhaps i should start at the begenning. over spring break i had to take care of my ninty year old grandfather, cause he just wans't doing to good. at tthe time we had no idea what was wrong. it wasn't till the end of the week when we just had to take him to the hospital that we found out that he has been having a stroke almost daily sense he moved from arizona. they weren't major ones, just really tiny ones that we're notciable till it all just built up on him, and pretty much scrambled his brain. i was able to get from some of that at night when i went to hang out with friends, where i find out that i now have a serious reputation of being a womanizer because of all the shit that went down last summer. of course i'm not proud of what happened then. and to find out that people i don't even know, know me as this horrible person [and maybe i am]. all of this didn't help with a certain someone who has now [seemingly] randomly out of the blue has a crush on me. which i didn't know how to feel about it just yet[still don't] just because i still had my eye on someone here in cali. but honestly how could i hook up with her [or how could she like me] knowing my apparent "reputation?" needless to say it felt sort of good to get away from that situation. and when i got back, from the get go its been looking like my chances with a certain someone in cali is growing dimmer and dimmer. [she probably doesn't even remember any of it.] i've been slammed with Porridge from the get go that i really haven't had time to catch up on anything with her. i've actually maybe only seen her once sense i've been back. like i predicted she was busy with Woyzeck to be with me, and now i'm to busy with Porridge to fix any of it. Porridge its self has been proving difficult too, just because it feels like i keep fucking up in some small way. which makes me thing that mike, michael, and jer are disappointed in me somehow. [i can tell that they are...they keep thinking "why can't you do anything right? shouldn't you know this by now?"] i got my finical aid package for next year, which was only about [rounded up] ten thousand in finical aid to help pay for a now an around 40 grand tuition. michael tolled me to write a letter to them asking for more aid, but would i say? cause currently my grades, suck. i have two low passes from last sememster and i am behind on mountains of homework. so my argument for giving me more money because i'm a good student is pretty fucking weak. which i haven't had time to do either the letter or my homework, again becacuse of Porridge. i had planned on catching up on homework over break, but because of my grandfather i never really got around to it. who by the way passed away last friday [rest in peace] recently i had a small Coffee House show that i was working on too called One For the Road. which i again had to do last minute pretty much the night before they opened. and then the director didn't even want the chair anymore, becuase it was too wide, and it would have been impossible for us to fix it. i'm just worn out to no end. people will find me sleeping in the annex cause when i get a chance to sit down and take a little break i just start drifting off. everyone tells me to go home get some sleep, to not get burnt out, but we are far past that point. i've been burnt out for a while now. and i really don't know what's keeping me going. i guess i'm just at this point that i've giving up, but i can't quit, i have to keep pushing. but how much futher can i push my self before i really break?
there's shit loads of other little things that have been nagging at me too. nothing important to say, just the fact that its all part of this domino effect that i explained. just one thing after another falling down on top of me...and i really can't see an end to it just yet.
so in summery...my grandfather is dead, women hate me, school sucks, i'm flat broke [or at least coming real close to it], i can't sleep, and when i do i've lost the will to get up in the morning...i've just given up.
[what's strager still, is after i've given up i have this strage sense of freedom. like i've been fighting something this entire time and let win. a strage sense of peace and depression.]
and that's my story kids...till next time...
[ps. i went to a tity bar last friday. which has really been the only highlight of my life so far.]
perhaps i should start at the begenning. over spring break i had to take care of my ninty year old grandfather, cause he just wans't doing to good. at tthe time we had no idea what was wrong. it wasn't till the end of the week when we just had to take him to the hospital that we found out that he has been having a stroke almost daily sense he moved from arizona. they weren't major ones, just really tiny ones that we're notciable till it all just built up on him, and pretty much scrambled his brain. i was able to get from some of that at night when i went to hang out with friends, where i find out that i now have a serious reputation of being a womanizer because of all the shit that went down last summer. of course i'm not proud of what happened then. and to find out that people i don't even know, know me as this horrible person [and maybe i am]. all of this didn't help with a certain someone who has now [seemingly] randomly out of the blue has a crush on me. which i didn't know how to feel about it just yet[still don't] just because i still had my eye on someone here in cali. but honestly how could i hook up with her [or how could she like me] knowing my apparent "reputation?" needless to say it felt sort of good to get away from that situation. and when i got back, from the get go its been looking like my chances with a certain someone in cali is growing dimmer and dimmer. [she probably doesn't even remember any of it.] i've been slammed with Porridge from the get go that i really haven't had time to catch up on anything with her. i've actually maybe only seen her once sense i've been back. like i predicted she was busy with Woyzeck to be with me, and now i'm to busy with Porridge to fix any of it. Porridge its self has been proving difficult too, just because it feels like i keep fucking up in some small way. which makes me thing that mike, michael, and jer are disappointed in me somehow. [i can tell that they are...they keep thinking "why can't you do anything right? shouldn't you know this by now?"] i got my finical aid package for next year, which was only about [rounded up] ten thousand in finical aid to help pay for a now an around 40 grand tuition. michael tolled me to write a letter to them asking for more aid, but would i say? cause currently my grades, suck. i have two low passes from last sememster and i am behind on mountains of homework. so my argument for giving me more money because i'm a good student is pretty fucking weak. which i haven't had time to do either the letter or my homework, again becacuse of Porridge. i had planned on catching up on homework over break, but because of my grandfather i never really got around to it. who by the way passed away last friday [rest in peace] recently i had a small Coffee House show that i was working on too called One For the Road. which i again had to do last minute pretty much the night before they opened. and then the director didn't even want the chair anymore, becuase it was too wide, and it would have been impossible for us to fix it. i'm just worn out to no end. people will find me sleeping in the annex cause when i get a chance to sit down and take a little break i just start drifting off. everyone tells me to go home get some sleep, to not get burnt out, but we are far past that point. i've been burnt out for a while now. and i really don't know what's keeping me going. i guess i'm just at this point that i've giving up, but i can't quit, i have to keep pushing. but how much futher can i push my self before i really break?
there's shit loads of other little things that have been nagging at me too. nothing important to say, just the fact that its all part of this domino effect that i explained. just one thing after another falling down on top of me...and i really can't see an end to it just yet.
so in summery...my grandfather is dead, women hate me, school sucks, i'm flat broke [or at least coming real close to it], i can't sleep, and when i do i've lost the will to get up in the morning...i've just given up.
[what's strager still, is after i've given up i have this strage sense of freedom. like i've been fighting something this entire time and let win. a strage sense of peace and depression.]
and that's my story kids...till next time...
[ps. i went to a tity bar last friday. which has really been the only highlight of my life so far.]