Face first into piles of dust....

[abergarbage]

Has the past ever come back to haunt you in a peculiar way? Maybe not even in the flesh or in your concious mind but as soon as you close your eyes to sleep you're plunged face first into the dusty remenants of the past. Suddenly it's like you never left 2002. That was FOUR years ago, I can't believe that. The way I feel right now it's like it was yesterday. Recurring dreams suck ass. I don't know what it is that has me plagued with the past but I've been thinking about it so hardcore now that these dreams have been lurking behind my eyelids. I mean hey at least it's not zombies and tornadoes anymore HOORAY!! But now it's like a combination of the two...a whirlwind of the dead if you will. I guess it has to do with things undone...I have been thinking alot lately about Kim for some reason and maybe that's propelled my mind backwards ya know? I've also been through some changes with our living situation doing a major shrinkage act...and this job has me wishing everyday I could climb back into the womb...seriously ya'll it's so unneccessary how ridiculous this job is. haha i say "guys" as if anyone other than Lena reads this thing anymore. Whatever I need it for myself just to type away about inane crap. I'm glad Lena reads it cuz it saves time for us to actually talk about real stuff when we get the rare chance to talk to each other over the phone. I guess another thing that's plaguing me is that Ryan and I are spending less and less time together granted these past few days with his Fall break have been great cuz we get to actually spend time together but I know that it's lurking just around the corner where we'll be back into the same routine of seeing about a good 2 hours of each other...and to hell with quality time ain't no such thing. My dreams are most likely closely linked to that...I guess I'm just projecting back into the past to when I was most happiest with every aspect of my life. I was uberskinny and had the best job (for me) I had about a zillion friends to chill out with and always got to go out and play without ever thinking about the ramifications...I was deeply in love just utterly enamored and even the misery was perfection. I never had to worry about bills and where my money was coming from and IF it was coming and where the hell it was going. I sometimes wonder if I had made different choices if maybe things wouldn't be a little different. Would I be happier? Would I be miserable? Or would I be the same but just in a different setting. I guess it all boils down to that infuriatingly true proverb "THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER" but sometimes when you're kneedeep in drybush and weeds you tend to wonder...

I hate dreams and the way they fuck with your mental