Unreasonably sad

[abergarbage]

I am so damned sad and I don't know why. Not to be confused as depression...but I just feel an overwhelming sadness and loss. Perhaps it's has something to do with the realization of my "coupleness" the loss of my single self. It does take something like a road trip with your best friend without your boyfriend to usher in that realization. I had so much NEEDED desperately needed us time with Lena and quite frankly STILL not enough...but I missed Ryan. I missed that stupid annoying motherfucker!!! HAHA...we annoy the fuck outta each other he'd be lying through his damned teeth if he denied it. It comes with living with each other ya know? But being away from each other kinda builds into a small ache like a hunger. It's disgusting I know but it's enescapable and would be a terrible show of self deception if I didn't admit it. As much as we argue about the lame ass shit I missed him a lot and it was barely a day that we were apart...makes me wonder how I will survive when he goes to California for the summer. It's scary to love someone so much because I've rarely allowed myself to be so vulnerable. I really learned how to distance myself a lot from that ridiculous emotional shit because I was constantly bounced about between my parents and grandparents. I was lucky to get in a stable year with those fuckers. haha. I guess that's why I'm sorta panicking. Lena has been the only and I truly mean the ONLY person that I've ever let my guard down with...really her whole family. They are people I can actually count on...I know that mama, Erika, Jer and even Keenan will be there for me somehow somewhere...and duh undoubtedly Lena...but to add Ryan to that is frightening for me. It's just unfathomable to allow that into my life...it's been more than a year and half but hey it took me and Lena longer than that to click. But this Ryan crap has more potential of leaving me in an emotional wasteland than Lena does obviously. With Lena and I it's more of a given that it'll be forever just because we are more than family. You can never be that way with a "love" because it's a different approach to love. The give and take is different. Just because I hug some other girl and say "hey girl you're a great friend" is not cheating on Lena. But if I hug another guy a little longer than I should I'll receive more than a raised eyebrow. God I hope I have illustrated what I mean...probably not.

On another note

Dude so like I have a new dream now. When I've finally made a name for myself I think Lena and I will buy an old house and fix it up to it's original beauty and fill with with original antiques. I really want to get my hands on refurbishing something. And NO MONKEYS, ELEPHANTS, OR GIRAFFES named Bonnie.

damned Lena