life on standby
most days, im your usual high school senior. annoying, bratty, selfish, giving, unbearable, frustrating, & accomplished. but today, i feel unlike myself. tonight i had my senior awards ceremony, we had to put on our cap and gown and do a processional. well, i recently found out, out of my parents 3 children, i am the first one of the 3 (mind you, im the baby) to graduate high school.
NO. my family is not some hick, redneck, backwoods dumbass family. my brothers are just two dumbasses who couldnt get their act together. anyways, back to my story. my dad called me after the ceremony, cause he had to leave early. and he said 'mag, you brought a tear to my eye tonight just walking down the isle.' and it made me think... about how proud my parents actually are of me. about how much they push me, about how much they make me believe in myself. and tonight, im posting not as a high school senior, but as an outsider looking in on my own life. seeing all that i've accompished in 13 years of school.
after high school, i believe my life can only get better... i am going to move in with my dad and start my college career at PBCC in the fall. after one year, im getting the HELL out of Palm Beach County. i cant take it anymore. this place is overcrowded and the roads are too small.
i have way too many memories here though. i had lived in my same house that my father built in 1975 till i was 16. after my dad had moved out, my mom and i had stayed in the house taking care of the 1.25 acre lot, it had a pool, and a great backyard. it was truly a family house. i have so many memories there. memories i will NEVER forget. but, my mom and i couldnt take care of the house ourselves, so my moms boyfriend at the time advised her to sell, as well as my dad did. although he loved the house, with just my mom and i living there, it was very hard for us to handle. one thing ill never forget about that house, was sitting up on the roof and looking at the stars the last night we were in the house, and i remember saying, 'the stars will never look the same to me' and they never have. also, when i was little, dragonflies used to fly in our house and they would hit the top of the skylight, and i would be so scared and my dad would tell me to hide under the blanket till he could get it down. after i moved out of the house in 2005, we moved into a little neighborhood where my grandma lives. BAD DECISION. lol.
anyways. within the past couple of weeks, things seemed to be going pretty ok. nothing bad happened, but nothing spectacular happened. but last night, i got blamed for something i shouldnt have been blamed for. last night my mom stormed into my room and told me that her boyfriend of 5 years left her. and that it was MY fault.
GO FIGURE.
life doesnt always go according to plan, you always have to allow for variance. and something ive realized lately, is that, the way you see yourself, is the way others are going to see you.
im going to tell you, im not horrible looking, at least i dont believe. but i dont consider myself quite 'pretty' so to speak. i have had alot of guy issues in the past year, and i have been used more than once. i have a fear of rejection, and i have an even bigger fear of letting people get close, and then getting hurt. i put up these walls, emotional walls. that i cant seem to break. after something happened with a friend of mine, well at least thats what i thought he was, the walls were just always there. and when someone got too close to me, i'd push them away.
so in theory, im the only one hurting myself.
but i just cant seem to grasp the whole 'self-confidence' thing.
NO. my family is not some hick, redneck, backwoods dumbass family. my brothers are just two dumbasses who couldnt get their act together. anyways, back to my story. my dad called me after the ceremony, cause he had to leave early. and he said 'mag, you brought a tear to my eye tonight just walking down the isle.' and it made me think... about how proud my parents actually are of me. about how much they push me, about how much they make me believe in myself. and tonight, im posting not as a high school senior, but as an outsider looking in on my own life. seeing all that i've accompished in 13 years of school.
after high school, i believe my life can only get better... i am going to move in with my dad and start my college career at PBCC in the fall. after one year, im getting the HELL out of Palm Beach County. i cant take it anymore. this place is overcrowded and the roads are too small.
i have way too many memories here though. i had lived in my same house that my father built in 1975 till i was 16. after my dad had moved out, my mom and i had stayed in the house taking care of the 1.25 acre lot, it had a pool, and a great backyard. it was truly a family house. i have so many memories there. memories i will NEVER forget. but, my mom and i couldnt take care of the house ourselves, so my moms boyfriend at the time advised her to sell, as well as my dad did. although he loved the house, with just my mom and i living there, it was very hard for us to handle. one thing ill never forget about that house, was sitting up on the roof and looking at the stars the last night we were in the house, and i remember saying, 'the stars will never look the same to me' and they never have. also, when i was little, dragonflies used to fly in our house and they would hit the top of the skylight, and i would be so scared and my dad would tell me to hide under the blanket till he could get it down. after i moved out of the house in 2005, we moved into a little neighborhood where my grandma lives. BAD DECISION. lol.
anyways. within the past couple of weeks, things seemed to be going pretty ok. nothing bad happened, but nothing spectacular happened. but last night, i got blamed for something i shouldnt have been blamed for. last night my mom stormed into my room and told me that her boyfriend of 5 years left her. and that it was MY fault.
GO FIGURE.
life doesnt always go according to plan, you always have to allow for variance. and something ive realized lately, is that, the way you see yourself, is the way others are going to see you.
im going to tell you, im not horrible looking, at least i dont believe. but i dont consider myself quite 'pretty' so to speak. i have had alot of guy issues in the past year, and i have been used more than once. i have a fear of rejection, and i have an even bigger fear of letting people get close, and then getting hurt. i put up these walls, emotional walls. that i cant seem to break. after something happened with a friend of mine, well at least thats what i thought he was, the walls were just always there. and when someone got too close to me, i'd push them away.
so in theory, im the only one hurting myself.
but i just cant seem to grasp the whole 'self-confidence' thing.