New Fic: "A Good Home", Firefly
This was mostly a writing exercise, but I'll admit to being thrilled that I finished something, even if I'm not completely happy with it. But, then again, as a writer, are we ever completely happy with something?
God, I'm nervous. This is the first fic I've posted since 2009. So, here we go, Firefly fic.
TITLE: A Good Home
AUTHOR: Belladonna
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters. I’m just in love with them.
PAIRING: Inara/Kaylee
RATING: PG
SPOILERS: Nothing specific I think.
FEEDBACK: Don't make me beg. belladonna81575@yahoo.com
NOTES: Inara changed her mind about leaving. Chinese translations at the end. Thanks to Chelsea for reminding me how much I love these characters and for KimberlyFDR for being my Kaylee.
SUMMARY: “Can... is it that easy, bao bay?”
---------------
A good home must be made, not bought. -Joyce Maynard
---------------
Inara slowly ran the brush through Kaylee's thick hair, keeping her touch light. She'd missed this: the closeness, the way the peaceful quiet was broken only by Kaylee's soft breathing. If Inara was being honest with herself, she'd missed Kaylee desperately while the younger woman had been focused on Simon.
Once, long ago, Inara had realized that she had feelings for Kaylee; feelings that she fought and lost against. It was more than a crush but less than love. It was desire and need and tenderness all wrapped together, and Inara was beginning to get used to ignoring it.
She wasn't sure what had happened between Kaylee and Simon, but they'd obviously reached some kind of an impasse. Kaylee no longer watched the doctor with her eyes glazed by something tender and warm, and these days Simon only had eyes for poor broken River. Inara might have just passed it off as a crush forgotten, except that she noticed that Kaylee smiled a little less, and that when she did the familiar bright smile rarely reached her eyes. Kaylee had grown up since the Tam's had come to Serenity, and she'd grown up hard. It was there, in her eyes, in the slight downturn of her mouth; in the way she only had eyes for the engine.
At first Inara had been glad, and that had shamed her. She had wanted Kaylee for her own, but when Simon had come aboard… the girl's fascination with Simon Tam was similar to the one she had for Inara herself. Kaylee had never seen people like them before - with silks for clothes and soft hands and high-born manners.
But, unlike Inara, Simon had been born with those things. How could Inara have hoped to compete with him? After all, underneath the silk Inara was nothing more than a poor farm girl from Cope's Moon, with dirt under her nails, and wearing her one decent dress, threadbare and too large.
How scared she'd been the day she left! Her mother weeping, her father's stony gaze refusing to meet her eyes. Being a companion had no shame, but for a simple man like her father, a whore was a whore. She'd had to choke back a cry; wanting to remind him that being chosen to start training as a companion was something to be proud of. But she had bitten the words back and ducked her head, not meeting her mother's sad eyes.
Inara had a very personal relationship with the word whore, and it made her blood boil. She'd heard it in her father's voice often enough, when he came home smelling like cheap liquor and cheaper women, in the voices of the boys her brothers hung around with, and worst of all, in her uncle's soft murmuring words when he snuck into her room late at night.
She’d kept nothing from her life before. No clothing, no mementos, not even her name. She’d shed her old life like a serpent.
"'Nara?"
Kaylee's voice brought Inara back to the present. She wasn't a barefoot little girl anymore. She was a registered Companion, and they couldn't hurt her now.
"Yes, Kaylee?"
The girl shrugged, her shoulders tensed. "You stopped, and I didn't know if you wanted me to…"
Inara looked down at the brush in her hand and resumed the smooth strokes. "No, I want you to stay. I just got lost for a moment."
Long minutes passed, and Inara finally began to relax again. She had made this shuttle her home, not that place, and she had friends, and safety and a place in the world, and she was Inara Serra.
The rhythm of the brush moving through Kaylee's hair was soothing for Inara, and she got lost in it, her gaze turning inward. It wasn't so much that she was lost in thought or even thinking at all. Instead, she was savoring the way that there were no demands on her here, no clients clamoring for her attention, no sad gazes from Shepherd Book, and no strange heated looks from Mal. It was quiet here, and peaceful, and Kaylee was welcome company, even if they hardly spoke.
Her mind started to wander to things better left alone. Things like how Kaylee's skin would feel under the palms of her hands, and if the other woman's mouth would taste of strawberries. Things that Inara had no right to think about.
She was so focused that the feel of Kaylee's hands- small but strong, and calloused from engine work, on her own startled her into a gasp.
"Shuh muh, I didn't mean to frighten you." Kaylee had turned around, and now she knelt before Inara, her hands wrapped around Inara's where they held the brush.
"It's fine. I was just -" Inara fumbled for words for the first time in a very long time, and she felt her face start to flush.
"Hush." Kaylee squeezed Inara's hands in her own before releasing her to stand. "It's fine. It was nice to just be here."
"Yes." The word was almost a gasp, and Inara felt her face heat even more.
"See you at dinner?" Kaylee was at the door now, tugging her coveralls up over the tank top she wore. Her hair was still free and heavy across her shoulders, and Inara had to bite her lip to stop the words that wanted to spill out.
"Of course." She had stopped regularly dining with the crew regularly after the Tam's and Shepherd Book came aboard, but she would do it tonight, simply because Kaylee asked it of her.
Finally, a true Kaylee-smile, bright enough to power Serenity for days. And it reached all the way to her eyes. Inara smiled back, feeling the cloud that had been hanging over her since she thought of her family began to lift. She stood, turning away to put the brush back where it belonged, expecting Kaylee to leave.
"Inara?"
"Yes?"
Inara turned, and Kaylee was right there, next to her, and she smelled of engine grease and heat and sweat and somehow of sun-bright, green open fields. Kaylee pressed her soft lips to Inara's cheek, and then blushed brightly. She was gone before Inara could even open her mouth to say anything.
Inara knew that later, after dinner, she would lie in her bunk, her hand pressed over that spot, still feeling the warmth of Kaylee's lips. But, for now, Inara felt that touch not just on her cheek, but in her heart. Even friendship was more than Inara had expected from the crew on Serenity, especially with Mal's blatant disgust at her profession, even if it did benefit him. But it was welcome, no matter how unexpected.
There was so little in her life that felt real anymore. Not her job, although she loved it, not her past, which usually felt hazy and very far away, and not even Serenity. Inara had grown used to using all of the social niceties of her position to cover up any real feelings, until Kaylee had shown up at the door of her shuttle, Inara had hardly realized how unreal and false her whole world had become. Kaylee wasn't false or artificial. She was what she was, a girl with a clear conscience, a bright outlook and a smile that could power the entire core.
Sometimes, Inara wondered if she could have been Kaylee in another life. In a life where she'd had a good father, and where she didn't have older brothers who were far more important to the family than one little girl, or an uncle that took advantage. Inara had no illusions. To her family, even to her mother, she was nothing more than a bride price to be paid. Sons could work the farm, could bring in money. What could a girl do? On Cope’s Moon, out towards the rim, a girl could marry, or a girl could doxy. She’d picked the second. No. She was not a whore. She was a companion.
Could she have turned out like Kaylee? So innocent and shining? The two women had often talked of Kaylee's home and her family, and Inara knew that their lives weren't so different. Bu kuh nuhn. Nothing could come of this. All she was doing was upsetting herself.
Whore.
The world seemed to echo through the metal shell of her shuttle, and Inara had to close her eyes tightly. No, that wasn't right. The Academy didn’t make Inara a whore, her uncle did. Now she was an ambassador, a valued member of society, not a little girl, crying and bleeding in the dark. Her position opened doors and made connections that her parents could never have dreamed about. It wasn't right that after everything, Inara could still hear her uncle's voice in her head.
---
Later, at dinner, Inara had managed to put her dark thoughts behind her. She'd shown up a little early, offering to help, but in reality, she'd wanted to be sure that she got to sit next to Kaylee. Zoe sat on Kaylee's other side now that Simon no longer vied to sit there. Though he still watched Kaylee with wounded eyes, and that made Inara sad. There was too little happiness in the ‘verse already, and something told her that Simon and Kaylee might be a good match.
Might have been, if River wasn't as sick, if the poor child was less broken. Little River, sitting there quietly for once, her eyes faraway and hazy, looking nowhere and everywhere at the same time. Inara mostly felt only compassion for the girl, along with a wistful sort of hope that River might one day be well. At the same time River frightened her because the girl saw things that no one else did.
One night, when Inara had been unable to sleep, she'd been wandering the ship, as she sometimes did. River had been standing silently in the shadows, perfectly still, invisible except for her pale hand, reaching out of the darkness to close tightly around Inara's wrist.
"They don't know." The girl had muttered furiously, her voice low and intense even as her eyes were eerily empty. "They don't know about him. They don't understand why it hurts you so." Inara had tried to pull loose, but River was far stronger than she looked. "He doesn't mean it, but it doesn't matter. He's not what you need."
As suddenly as she had stepped out of the shadows, River had released her, vanishing down the corridor, bare feet flying across cold metal, and her bright dress trailing behind her like a prayer flag.
It had taken Inara long minutes to calm down, standing there in the near-dark, shaking. River knew things, things that she couldn't know, couldn't understand. But even as the riddles spilled from River's mouth, Inara knew the truth of the words. She knew who River had spoken of. First of her uncle, then of Mal.
Sometimes Inara thought of Mal, thought of his strong arms, his broad hands, the way his eyes went from warm to disgusted, often in an instant. No matter what she felt for Malcolm Reynolds or what she thought she might be able to feel for him - it wasn't worth putting herself though that day after day. To him she was a whore, and nothing could change that.
Besides, Mal was still a soldier, and his only true loyalty was to his ship. She couldn’t fault him that, knowing that Mal had found his freedom in the stars, just as she had. Her feelings for him had almost chased her off the ship, but she’d changed her mind. She couldn’t leave this life, not even if she’d wanted to. It was in her blood now; all the wide open black. And she was done running away.
Sometimes she dreamed of Mal, his voice speaking to her softly and warmly - the way he often spoke to Kaylee, but that was an impossible dream, and it broke her heart. In the end, Inara had simply stopped thinking of him, dreaming of him, caring for him.
She could do that. Or, at least, she always could before. But now, when Inara had pushed Mal away from herself, Kaylee, sweet little Kaylee had rushed into the void. Kaylee had worked her way past Inara's defenses, and she would not be ignored.
Hazy, longing dreams that used to consist of Inara and a little white house on a warm, green planet had expanded without her permission to include Kaylee, and a red barn for all of the girl's engines and tinkering, and maybe a couple of horses, or even a child they could raise together - a child with Kaylee's expressive eyes and wild tumble of hair.
Inara shook herself. Dreaming like that was worthless. Kaylee would eventually meet some man with calloused hands and broad shoulders, and they'd marry, have a half a dozen children and settle down on some quiet little planet.
Inara was shocked out of her reverie when Kaylee gently touched her arm. “’Nara?”
“Shah muh, Kaylee?”
Kaylee handed her the bowl of protein with a concerned look. “Are you okay?”
“Shiny.” Inara answered without thinking, unconsciously borrowing Kaylee’s favorite word.
Kaylee’s face brightened and she looked down at her hands, a blush on her cheekbones. Inara couldn’t hide her answering smile. It wasn’t just her either. Kaylee brightened the whole world when she smiled like that, and everyone around the table seemed to lighten.
Dinner was a comfortable affair; everyone talking and laughing, and even River was calm. After everything was cleaned up, Inara squeezed Kaylee’s shoulder in goodbye and headed back to her shuttle. When she turned her back, she thought that she saw Simon lurking just outside the door, watching Kaylee.
Inara spent some time screening clients for their next stop on Beaumonde, but it couldn’t hold her attention. Normally she wasn’t a restless person; her time at the Academy had taken care of that. Inara had learned how to be still, to be silent there. She even tried taking out the dulcimer and playing a little, but nothing soothed her.
As a last resort she went to the front of her shuttle, leaning forward against the panels so that her face was almost pressed against the glass and stretching her arms out wide. This way it was easy to imagine that she was floating out here in the black. It helped fight off the closed in feeling that had been bothering her but it didn’t stop her thoughts.
All she could think of was Simon, staring at Kaylee with that hopeful look. Were they coupling right now? Had he told her that he cared, and that they should be together? Inara hoped not, but hoping for someone else’s unhappiness turned her stomach.
She finally gave up and knelt in the center of her shuttle, calming her breathing and laying her hands flat on her thighs. She was not a restless little farm girl any more, and Inara Serra the Companion was always calm.
It took long minutes, but she finally managed to bring her breathing under control. She had to let the thought of Kaylee go. There was no future in it, and no reason to torture herself with what might have been. With a sigh, Inara stood, moving across to her Cortex screen, ready to go through her client list again. The software was good about flagging people who had complaints made against them, but Inara still liked to check out the reports written by their previous Companions. It wouldn’t do to have another… unseemly problem like Atherton Wing. Inara allowed herself a private smile at that. She’d had him blacklisted, just as she had threatened, and now no one would contract with him.
Inara was just sending waves to the first two clients she had chosen for her time on Beaumonde when the chime on her door went. “Qing jin.”
Kaylee slipped in the door quietly, which was unusual. Normally Kaylee was all bright smiles and quick words. She stood, just inside the door for a moment, her hands twisting together restlessly.
“Did you need something, mei-mei?”
“I just. I.” Kaylee stepped closer, still not looking at Inara’s face. “Simon and I, we’re…”
“That’s good, Kaylee. I’m happy for you both.” Inara was pleased that her voice was smooth and even. No hint of her pain at hearing Kaylee’s words.
“No, it’s not… Ta ma de.” Kaylee sounded frustrated, and she shook her head. “Me and Simon, we’re not ever gonna be anything. Dong ma?”
“I… No.” Inara took a deep breath to get her voice under control. “I’m sorry to hear that Kaylee.”
“I’m not.” Kaylee sat down next to Inara on the couch, finally looking up. Her eyes were hopeful and bright, and maybe just a little scared. “I kind of thought that maybe... you... might feel something.” Kaylee laughed a little, the corners of her mouth turning up. “I didn’t think this would be so hard!”
“What is it you’re trying to say, mei-mei?” Inara leaned forward, taking one of Kaylee’s slender hands in both of hers. Kaylee’s hand was cold and shaking just a little.
“Ta ma de. It’s this.” Kaylee looked down at their joined hands. “I’ve seen how you look at the Captain.” Inara started and Kaylee shushed her. “But, I think I’ve seen you look at me like that.”
Inara froze, terrified. What was she supposed to say? What was the right answer? For the first time in a very long time her training deserted her, and when Inara finally spoke, her accent was back. She hadn’t heard it in her own voice in more than a decade. It was the second thing she had discarded from her old life. Her first was her name. Her voice felt strange in her mouth, and sounded like dusty roads and brown fields and flat steel blue skies. “Kaylee, I do care about you, but-“ Inara forced herself to look away from the hope in Kaylee’s eyes.
“Who are you? Who were you?”
Inara almost claimed ignorance, but the warmth in Kaylee’s voice stopped her. “I’m just a dirty little girl in a torn dress from Cope’s Moon, nothing more.” Her voice shook, and for once Inara was completely out of control. “I’m no one.” Inara whispered, closing her eyes against her tears. “Nothing can come of this, Kaylee.”
“Go hwong-tong. You’re everything.” Kaylee was moving, standing and yanking Inara to her feet. When Inara’s eyes flew open she was looking right into Kaylee’s brown ones. “I love you.”
And then Kaylee kissed her. Kissed her with everything in her. Their lips met and then opened, and all that was in Inara’s mind was Kaylee and how she tasted like strawberries and freedom and wide blue skies.
When they separated, Kaylee kept hold of both of Inara’s hands in her own, not letting Inara put any distance between them. “Dohn luh mah?”
Inara was still struggling to believe what was happening. Kaylee was right here, in her shuttle, and telling her that she loved her. A million reasons why it could never work flew through Inara’s head, but the feel of Kaylee’s skin on hers was quieting that voice. Could it be this easy? Could she just... reach out?
Inara tugged Kaylee in close and kissed her gently, taking the time to learn Kaylee’s mouth. Kaylee was warm and sold against her, and Inara had to force herself to lean back. But Kaylee was smiling and blushing, and she was beautiful.
“Can... is it that easy, bao bay?” Inara’s voice was shaky, but she was pleased to hear that she sounded like herself, not the frightened little girl that she wasn’t any more.
“Of course it is.” Kaylee looked confused. “Not everything has to be difficult.”
Inara laughed, wrapping Kaylee in her arms. “Shiny.”
END
Chinese words taken mostly from here:
http://www.firefly-objectsinspace.com/verse-language-chinese.html
mei-mei = little sister
qing jin = come in
ta ma de = damn it
dong ma = understand?
go hwong-tong = enough of this nonsense
bao bay = sweetheart
shuh muh = I’m sorry
shah muh? = what?
bu kuh nuhn = impossible
dohn luh mah = are we clear?
God, I'm nervous. This is the first fic I've posted since 2009. So, here we go, Firefly fic.
TITLE: A Good Home
AUTHOR: Belladonna
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters. I’m just in love with them.
PAIRING: Inara/Kaylee
RATING: PG
SPOILERS: Nothing specific I think.
FEEDBACK: Don't make me beg. belladonna81575@yahoo.com
NOTES: Inara changed her mind about leaving. Chinese translations at the end. Thanks to Chelsea for reminding me how much I love these characters and for KimberlyFDR for being my Kaylee.
SUMMARY: “Can... is it that easy, bao bay?”
---------------
A good home must be made, not bought. -Joyce Maynard
---------------
Inara slowly ran the brush through Kaylee's thick hair, keeping her touch light. She'd missed this: the closeness, the way the peaceful quiet was broken only by Kaylee's soft breathing. If Inara was being honest with herself, she'd missed Kaylee desperately while the younger woman had been focused on Simon.
Once, long ago, Inara had realized that she had feelings for Kaylee; feelings that she fought and lost against. It was more than a crush but less than love. It was desire and need and tenderness all wrapped together, and Inara was beginning to get used to ignoring it.
She wasn't sure what had happened between Kaylee and Simon, but they'd obviously reached some kind of an impasse. Kaylee no longer watched the doctor with her eyes glazed by something tender and warm, and these days Simon only had eyes for poor broken River. Inara might have just passed it off as a crush forgotten, except that she noticed that Kaylee smiled a little less, and that when she did the familiar bright smile rarely reached her eyes. Kaylee had grown up since the Tam's had come to Serenity, and she'd grown up hard. It was there, in her eyes, in the slight downturn of her mouth; in the way she only had eyes for the engine.
At first Inara had been glad, and that had shamed her. She had wanted Kaylee for her own, but when Simon had come aboard… the girl's fascination with Simon Tam was similar to the one she had for Inara herself. Kaylee had never seen people like them before - with silks for clothes and soft hands and high-born manners.
But, unlike Inara, Simon had been born with those things. How could Inara have hoped to compete with him? After all, underneath the silk Inara was nothing more than a poor farm girl from Cope's Moon, with dirt under her nails, and wearing her one decent dress, threadbare and too large.
How scared she'd been the day she left! Her mother weeping, her father's stony gaze refusing to meet her eyes. Being a companion had no shame, but for a simple man like her father, a whore was a whore. She'd had to choke back a cry; wanting to remind him that being chosen to start training as a companion was something to be proud of. But she had bitten the words back and ducked her head, not meeting her mother's sad eyes.
Inara had a very personal relationship with the word whore, and it made her blood boil. She'd heard it in her father's voice often enough, when he came home smelling like cheap liquor and cheaper women, in the voices of the boys her brothers hung around with, and worst of all, in her uncle's soft murmuring words when he snuck into her room late at night.
She’d kept nothing from her life before. No clothing, no mementos, not even her name. She’d shed her old life like a serpent.
"'Nara?"
Kaylee's voice brought Inara back to the present. She wasn't a barefoot little girl anymore. She was a registered Companion, and they couldn't hurt her now.
"Yes, Kaylee?"
The girl shrugged, her shoulders tensed. "You stopped, and I didn't know if you wanted me to…"
Inara looked down at the brush in her hand and resumed the smooth strokes. "No, I want you to stay. I just got lost for a moment."
Long minutes passed, and Inara finally began to relax again. She had made this shuttle her home, not that place, and she had friends, and safety and a place in the world, and she was Inara Serra.
The rhythm of the brush moving through Kaylee's hair was soothing for Inara, and she got lost in it, her gaze turning inward. It wasn't so much that she was lost in thought or even thinking at all. Instead, she was savoring the way that there were no demands on her here, no clients clamoring for her attention, no sad gazes from Shepherd Book, and no strange heated looks from Mal. It was quiet here, and peaceful, and Kaylee was welcome company, even if they hardly spoke.
Her mind started to wander to things better left alone. Things like how Kaylee's skin would feel under the palms of her hands, and if the other woman's mouth would taste of strawberries. Things that Inara had no right to think about.
She was so focused that the feel of Kaylee's hands- small but strong, and calloused from engine work, on her own startled her into a gasp.
"Shuh muh, I didn't mean to frighten you." Kaylee had turned around, and now she knelt before Inara, her hands wrapped around Inara's where they held the brush.
"It's fine. I was just -" Inara fumbled for words for the first time in a very long time, and she felt her face start to flush.
"Hush." Kaylee squeezed Inara's hands in her own before releasing her to stand. "It's fine. It was nice to just be here."
"Yes." The word was almost a gasp, and Inara felt her face heat even more.
"See you at dinner?" Kaylee was at the door now, tugging her coveralls up over the tank top she wore. Her hair was still free and heavy across her shoulders, and Inara had to bite her lip to stop the words that wanted to spill out.
"Of course." She had stopped regularly dining with the crew regularly after the Tam's and Shepherd Book came aboard, but she would do it tonight, simply because Kaylee asked it of her.
Finally, a true Kaylee-smile, bright enough to power Serenity for days. And it reached all the way to her eyes. Inara smiled back, feeling the cloud that had been hanging over her since she thought of her family began to lift. She stood, turning away to put the brush back where it belonged, expecting Kaylee to leave.
"Inara?"
"Yes?"
Inara turned, and Kaylee was right there, next to her, and she smelled of engine grease and heat and sweat and somehow of sun-bright, green open fields. Kaylee pressed her soft lips to Inara's cheek, and then blushed brightly. She was gone before Inara could even open her mouth to say anything.
Inara knew that later, after dinner, she would lie in her bunk, her hand pressed over that spot, still feeling the warmth of Kaylee's lips. But, for now, Inara felt that touch not just on her cheek, but in her heart. Even friendship was more than Inara had expected from the crew on Serenity, especially with Mal's blatant disgust at her profession, even if it did benefit him. But it was welcome, no matter how unexpected.
There was so little in her life that felt real anymore. Not her job, although she loved it, not her past, which usually felt hazy and very far away, and not even Serenity. Inara had grown used to using all of the social niceties of her position to cover up any real feelings, until Kaylee had shown up at the door of her shuttle, Inara had hardly realized how unreal and false her whole world had become. Kaylee wasn't false or artificial. She was what she was, a girl with a clear conscience, a bright outlook and a smile that could power the entire core.
Sometimes, Inara wondered if she could have been Kaylee in another life. In a life where she'd had a good father, and where she didn't have older brothers who were far more important to the family than one little girl, or an uncle that took advantage. Inara had no illusions. To her family, even to her mother, she was nothing more than a bride price to be paid. Sons could work the farm, could bring in money. What could a girl do? On Cope’s Moon, out towards the rim, a girl could marry, or a girl could doxy. She’d picked the second. No. She was not a whore. She was a companion.
Could she have turned out like Kaylee? So innocent and shining? The two women had often talked of Kaylee's home and her family, and Inara knew that their lives weren't so different. Bu kuh nuhn. Nothing could come of this. All she was doing was upsetting herself.
Whore.
The world seemed to echo through the metal shell of her shuttle, and Inara had to close her eyes tightly. No, that wasn't right. The Academy didn’t make Inara a whore, her uncle did. Now she was an ambassador, a valued member of society, not a little girl, crying and bleeding in the dark. Her position opened doors and made connections that her parents could never have dreamed about. It wasn't right that after everything, Inara could still hear her uncle's voice in her head.
---
Later, at dinner, Inara had managed to put her dark thoughts behind her. She'd shown up a little early, offering to help, but in reality, she'd wanted to be sure that she got to sit next to Kaylee. Zoe sat on Kaylee's other side now that Simon no longer vied to sit there. Though he still watched Kaylee with wounded eyes, and that made Inara sad. There was too little happiness in the ‘verse already, and something told her that Simon and Kaylee might be a good match.
Might have been, if River wasn't as sick, if the poor child was less broken. Little River, sitting there quietly for once, her eyes faraway and hazy, looking nowhere and everywhere at the same time. Inara mostly felt only compassion for the girl, along with a wistful sort of hope that River might one day be well. At the same time River frightened her because the girl saw things that no one else did.
One night, when Inara had been unable to sleep, she'd been wandering the ship, as she sometimes did. River had been standing silently in the shadows, perfectly still, invisible except for her pale hand, reaching out of the darkness to close tightly around Inara's wrist.
"They don't know." The girl had muttered furiously, her voice low and intense even as her eyes were eerily empty. "They don't know about him. They don't understand why it hurts you so." Inara had tried to pull loose, but River was far stronger than she looked. "He doesn't mean it, but it doesn't matter. He's not what you need."
As suddenly as she had stepped out of the shadows, River had released her, vanishing down the corridor, bare feet flying across cold metal, and her bright dress trailing behind her like a prayer flag.
It had taken Inara long minutes to calm down, standing there in the near-dark, shaking. River knew things, things that she couldn't know, couldn't understand. But even as the riddles spilled from River's mouth, Inara knew the truth of the words. She knew who River had spoken of. First of her uncle, then of Mal.
Sometimes Inara thought of Mal, thought of his strong arms, his broad hands, the way his eyes went from warm to disgusted, often in an instant. No matter what she felt for Malcolm Reynolds or what she thought she might be able to feel for him - it wasn't worth putting herself though that day after day. To him she was a whore, and nothing could change that.
Besides, Mal was still a soldier, and his only true loyalty was to his ship. She couldn’t fault him that, knowing that Mal had found his freedom in the stars, just as she had. Her feelings for him had almost chased her off the ship, but she’d changed her mind. She couldn’t leave this life, not even if she’d wanted to. It was in her blood now; all the wide open black. And she was done running away.
Sometimes she dreamed of Mal, his voice speaking to her softly and warmly - the way he often spoke to Kaylee, but that was an impossible dream, and it broke her heart. In the end, Inara had simply stopped thinking of him, dreaming of him, caring for him.
She could do that. Or, at least, she always could before. But now, when Inara had pushed Mal away from herself, Kaylee, sweet little Kaylee had rushed into the void. Kaylee had worked her way past Inara's defenses, and she would not be ignored.
Hazy, longing dreams that used to consist of Inara and a little white house on a warm, green planet had expanded without her permission to include Kaylee, and a red barn for all of the girl's engines and tinkering, and maybe a couple of horses, or even a child they could raise together - a child with Kaylee's expressive eyes and wild tumble of hair.
Inara shook herself. Dreaming like that was worthless. Kaylee would eventually meet some man with calloused hands and broad shoulders, and they'd marry, have a half a dozen children and settle down on some quiet little planet.
Inara was shocked out of her reverie when Kaylee gently touched her arm. “’Nara?”
“Shah muh, Kaylee?”
Kaylee handed her the bowl of protein with a concerned look. “Are you okay?”
“Shiny.” Inara answered without thinking, unconsciously borrowing Kaylee’s favorite word.
Kaylee’s face brightened and she looked down at her hands, a blush on her cheekbones. Inara couldn’t hide her answering smile. It wasn’t just her either. Kaylee brightened the whole world when she smiled like that, and everyone around the table seemed to lighten.
Dinner was a comfortable affair; everyone talking and laughing, and even River was calm. After everything was cleaned up, Inara squeezed Kaylee’s shoulder in goodbye and headed back to her shuttle. When she turned her back, she thought that she saw Simon lurking just outside the door, watching Kaylee.
Inara spent some time screening clients for their next stop on Beaumonde, but it couldn’t hold her attention. Normally she wasn’t a restless person; her time at the Academy had taken care of that. Inara had learned how to be still, to be silent there. She even tried taking out the dulcimer and playing a little, but nothing soothed her.
As a last resort she went to the front of her shuttle, leaning forward against the panels so that her face was almost pressed against the glass and stretching her arms out wide. This way it was easy to imagine that she was floating out here in the black. It helped fight off the closed in feeling that had been bothering her but it didn’t stop her thoughts.
All she could think of was Simon, staring at Kaylee with that hopeful look. Were they coupling right now? Had he told her that he cared, and that they should be together? Inara hoped not, but hoping for someone else’s unhappiness turned her stomach.
She finally gave up and knelt in the center of her shuttle, calming her breathing and laying her hands flat on her thighs. She was not a restless little farm girl any more, and Inara Serra the Companion was always calm.
It took long minutes, but she finally managed to bring her breathing under control. She had to let the thought of Kaylee go. There was no future in it, and no reason to torture herself with what might have been. With a sigh, Inara stood, moving across to her Cortex screen, ready to go through her client list again. The software was good about flagging people who had complaints made against them, but Inara still liked to check out the reports written by their previous Companions. It wouldn’t do to have another… unseemly problem like Atherton Wing. Inara allowed herself a private smile at that. She’d had him blacklisted, just as she had threatened, and now no one would contract with him.
Inara was just sending waves to the first two clients she had chosen for her time on Beaumonde when the chime on her door went. “Qing jin.”
Kaylee slipped in the door quietly, which was unusual. Normally Kaylee was all bright smiles and quick words. She stood, just inside the door for a moment, her hands twisting together restlessly.
“Did you need something, mei-mei?”
“I just. I.” Kaylee stepped closer, still not looking at Inara’s face. “Simon and I, we’re…”
“That’s good, Kaylee. I’m happy for you both.” Inara was pleased that her voice was smooth and even. No hint of her pain at hearing Kaylee’s words.
“No, it’s not… Ta ma de.” Kaylee sounded frustrated, and she shook her head. “Me and Simon, we’re not ever gonna be anything. Dong ma?”
“I… No.” Inara took a deep breath to get her voice under control. “I’m sorry to hear that Kaylee.”
“I’m not.” Kaylee sat down next to Inara on the couch, finally looking up. Her eyes were hopeful and bright, and maybe just a little scared. “I kind of thought that maybe... you... might feel something.” Kaylee laughed a little, the corners of her mouth turning up. “I didn’t think this would be so hard!”
“What is it you’re trying to say, mei-mei?” Inara leaned forward, taking one of Kaylee’s slender hands in both of hers. Kaylee’s hand was cold and shaking just a little.
“Ta ma de. It’s this.” Kaylee looked down at their joined hands. “I’ve seen how you look at the Captain.” Inara started and Kaylee shushed her. “But, I think I’ve seen you look at me like that.”
Inara froze, terrified. What was she supposed to say? What was the right answer? For the first time in a very long time her training deserted her, and when Inara finally spoke, her accent was back. She hadn’t heard it in her own voice in more than a decade. It was the second thing she had discarded from her old life. Her first was her name. Her voice felt strange in her mouth, and sounded like dusty roads and brown fields and flat steel blue skies. “Kaylee, I do care about you, but-“ Inara forced herself to look away from the hope in Kaylee’s eyes.
“Who are you? Who were you?”
Inara almost claimed ignorance, but the warmth in Kaylee’s voice stopped her. “I’m just a dirty little girl in a torn dress from Cope’s Moon, nothing more.” Her voice shook, and for once Inara was completely out of control. “I’m no one.” Inara whispered, closing her eyes against her tears. “Nothing can come of this, Kaylee.”
“Go hwong-tong. You’re everything.” Kaylee was moving, standing and yanking Inara to her feet. When Inara’s eyes flew open she was looking right into Kaylee’s brown ones. “I love you.”
And then Kaylee kissed her. Kissed her with everything in her. Their lips met and then opened, and all that was in Inara’s mind was Kaylee and how she tasted like strawberries and freedom and wide blue skies.
When they separated, Kaylee kept hold of both of Inara’s hands in her own, not letting Inara put any distance between them. “Dohn luh mah?”
Inara was still struggling to believe what was happening. Kaylee was right here, in her shuttle, and telling her that she loved her. A million reasons why it could never work flew through Inara’s head, but the feel of Kaylee’s skin on hers was quieting that voice. Could it be this easy? Could she just... reach out?
Inara tugged Kaylee in close and kissed her gently, taking the time to learn Kaylee’s mouth. Kaylee was warm and sold against her, and Inara had to force herself to lean back. But Kaylee was smiling and blushing, and she was beautiful.
“Can... is it that easy, bao bay?” Inara’s voice was shaky, but she was pleased to hear that she sounded like herself, not the frightened little girl that she wasn’t any more.
“Of course it is.” Kaylee looked confused. “Not everything has to be difficult.”
Inara laughed, wrapping Kaylee in her arms. “Shiny.”
END
Chinese words taken mostly from here:
http://www.firefly-objectsinspace.com/verse-language-chinese.html
mei-mei = little sister
qing jin = come in
ta ma de = damn it
dong ma = understand?
go hwong-tong = enough of this nonsense
bao bay = sweetheart
shuh muh = I’m sorry
shah muh? = what?
bu kuh nuhn = impossible
dohn luh mah = are we clear?