Ymbali - the non american bastard meaning
So...I"m letting go. No, I'm not giving up, but I'm letting go of who I was and the way I used to think. Something changed in me. I'm not sure what it was. Something died, something was born. Maybe it's Divine, maybe it's not....but I'm not myself anymore. I keep feeling...I don't know. Like, I've had amnesia and everything's so new to me. Almost as if I don't recognize the people that I knew and I know I don't belong. I was sitting outside tonight watching the stars and when I was just staring at my garage door...it all seemed so new to me. I questioned if I really lived at the house that was sitting infront of me. I wondered who I was...and I wondered what in the hell is happening to me. I keep forgetting things too...It's still happening. I'm forgetting recent things too. Like my trip to Ohio...and my trip to California...I draw nearly a complete blank. I have to look at some pictures or read my logs if I want to recall information. If you asked me what I did yesterday I couldn't give you all the details, or even the major details. Agh...well now that I'm questioning who I really am (not like morals or anything...I know what I stand for), everything's really confusing. What I've been through and what I've seen, I'm just trying to remember it all.
And to be honest I'm in this state of dismantling everything, it's actually pretty harsh reality that everything is. I believe that this is a positive thing taking place with me but my mind is telling me to change it all define myself with my actions and become who "i" am. I feel as if I fell asleep in Mr. Crumrine's class during heads-up 7-up...and no one was tapping me so I could slip easily in and out on consciousness....then next thing I know the lunch bell rings. There are many things for me to rip apart and put back together, almost too many but it needs to be done for me to go to the next level.
So the blanket is torn away from me now and I have to figure this all out. I'm going to go up to Ohio again and be with the other half of the family in August I believe, there are a lot of questions to be found up there......lots of people to confront on a vast amount of topics that I don't think I can tell anyone. This will all cycle and come ten fold in another direction.
Things that havent changed:
-Ohio Trip in August
-Certification in October
-October Fest in October
-GOING CRAZY AND GETTING OUT OF THIS STATE by December
Things that have changed:
- I'm going to be getting rid of my truck at some point in the next few years....probably two and I'm going to get a stickshift soft/hard top probably in an electric blue or metalic green apple color.
- I'll probably grow out a beard (close shaven)
- I started to run daily now
- focusing all my attention on my career and truely bettering myself
- renewing my life with life
THERE IS NO MORE PURE PLANNING FOR WHAT MY LIFE WILL BECOME!!! to be honest that has cleared alot of time up for me, i was always planning my attack on my life...not so much anymore, now if I want it I'm going out and grabbing it.
I have more to say, I just don't feel like talking about it now.
And to be honest I'm in this state of dismantling everything, it's actually pretty harsh reality that everything is. I believe that this is a positive thing taking place with me but my mind is telling me to change it all define myself with my actions and become who "i" am. I feel as if I fell asleep in Mr. Crumrine's class during heads-up 7-up...and no one was tapping me so I could slip easily in and out on consciousness....then next thing I know the lunch bell rings. There are many things for me to rip apart and put back together, almost too many but it needs to be done for me to go to the next level.
So the blanket is torn away from me now and I have to figure this all out. I'm going to go up to Ohio again and be with the other half of the family in August I believe, there are a lot of questions to be found up there......lots of people to confront on a vast amount of topics that I don't think I can tell anyone. This will all cycle and come ten fold in another direction.
Things that havent changed:
-Ohio Trip in August
-Certification in October
-October Fest in October
-GOING CRAZY AND GETTING OUT OF THIS STATE by December
Things that have changed:
- I'm going to be getting rid of my truck at some point in the next few years....probably two and I'm going to get a stickshift soft/hard top probably in an electric blue or metalic green apple color.
- I'll probably grow out a beard (close shaven)
- I started to run daily now
- focusing all my attention on my career and truely bettering myself
- renewing my life with life
THERE IS NO MORE PURE PLANNING FOR WHAT MY LIFE WILL BECOME!!! to be honest that has cleared alot of time up for me, i was always planning my attack on my life...not so much anymore, now if I want it I'm going out and grabbing it.
I have more to say, I just don't feel like talking about it now.