diving,diving,diving, into the murk
Ok so straight up, if you know me then you probably have a good idea by now that times are not good for me right now. I'm probably standing on the edge of sanity right now. Everything has changed, I'm a changed person. I still havent decided if this a good or bad thing yet. On one hand it's good that I know how to feel once again, but in turn it's horrible because I want to close back up and not show that side of me again. This hurt.....pain......anger is far more powerful then I've ever felt before....it scares me. I've cryed so much that my eyes hurt, my stomach is in knots, i feel sick, i dont want to eat anything anymore, i can barely chew food, my body can't get up, i want to go back to sleep, my chest feels like it's going to explode.
Trust me I'm not trying to be a little bitch about this, I'm trying to be a stone. But i shiver, and i can't control it. And i know i'm hard to love, and i love hard. I have no one to talk to anymore, the things i did share are forever lost. Its hard to look into someones eyes and see that they hurt, see that you've hurt them so, but its harder to see them cry....
I got a phonecall today from an old friend today, he said that i've been heavy on his mind. I needed that contact today. It's strange how our lifes mirror one anothers, i can honestly say we are almost the same person. I think I'm going up to Ohio to see him in late july, just get back to the roots of the person i once was. Need to dry out and figure what the hell is going on here.
There is some comedy behind all of this i feel, I told myself that this years is going to be the best year of my life because I was going to do great things and move the world. So far I have yet to see great things. I've lost everyone that could give me the truth. My father is dead. My family has their backs to me. My only chance at a future wife has left me. My world has been picked to pieces.
What is left? I'm at the bottom now looking up now and I don't think I can get back to the top. Do I stay here? Do I pull myself up over this? Do I go mad? The world is a cold cold crule place, I dont want to do this anymore. This pain is too much to carry. Maybe I should quit? What's the point anymore? I was only striving to be the best because I had someone to have there with me. Someone I could hold in my arms, someone that would have been there to push me harder, someone that makes the pain stop.
It's amazing how much was happening to me this week, I stood back and opened my eyes and saw this person that I became and I was shocked that I allowed myself to get so emotionless, so cold. I started to cycle threw all my baggage, and kick most of it to the curb. There are many things that I now know I must take head on. I started to feel again, it was amazing. Now I want to stop feeling, close my eyes, and never unearth any of this again.
Maybe this is all shit! I'm going back into the dark, seeing the light is too painful. I can't survive out there, I can't feel alive anymore. I'm done.
Trust me I'm not trying to be a little bitch about this, I'm trying to be a stone. But i shiver, and i can't control it. And i know i'm hard to love, and i love hard. I have no one to talk to anymore, the things i did share are forever lost. Its hard to look into someones eyes and see that they hurt, see that you've hurt them so, but its harder to see them cry....
I got a phonecall today from an old friend today, he said that i've been heavy on his mind. I needed that contact today. It's strange how our lifes mirror one anothers, i can honestly say we are almost the same person. I think I'm going up to Ohio to see him in late july, just get back to the roots of the person i once was. Need to dry out and figure what the hell is going on here.
There is some comedy behind all of this i feel, I told myself that this years is going to be the best year of my life because I was going to do great things and move the world. So far I have yet to see great things. I've lost everyone that could give me the truth. My father is dead. My family has their backs to me. My only chance at a future wife has left me. My world has been picked to pieces.
What is left? I'm at the bottom now looking up now and I don't think I can get back to the top. Do I stay here? Do I pull myself up over this? Do I go mad? The world is a cold cold crule place, I dont want to do this anymore. This pain is too much to carry. Maybe I should quit? What's the point anymore? I was only striving to be the best because I had someone to have there with me. Someone I could hold in my arms, someone that would have been there to push me harder, someone that makes the pain stop.
It's amazing how much was happening to me this week, I stood back and opened my eyes and saw this person that I became and I was shocked that I allowed myself to get so emotionless, so cold. I started to cycle threw all my baggage, and kick most of it to the curb. There are many things that I now know I must take head on. I started to feel again, it was amazing. Now I want to stop feeling, close my eyes, and never unearth any of this again.
Maybe this is all shit! I'm going back into the dark, seeing the light is too painful. I can't survive out there, I can't feel alive anymore. I'm done.