I'm not your star.
theres no one who really gives a shit so ill just tell my journal.
i dont even like him, hes boring, im just so sick of being alone. and he's the only one that seemed to be there, so i let myself fall for him. and now im getting hurt over stupid things. crushes are so stupid. stupid stupid stupid. stupid me for letting myself fall. i promised myself i wouldnt have crushes anymore, thats all they do, CRUSH you. i was doing so well for such a long time. and now stupid shit like this is messing things up so badly for me. i hate myself for being so immature. and for letting myself down. cuz i definitely let myself down. i reached my goal and i was doing so so well and i was happy and now ive brought myself crashing down. i hate myself for letting people convince me to set my hopes higher than i normally would.
i had my meeting with mrs. penkala today. basically she told me that i wouldn't get accepted into u of m, then tried to make it better by telling me that i would most likely get deferred. cuz that's so reassuring. im not planning on telling my dad anytime soon cuz i am fucking sick and tired of disappointing him. the disappointment and that face that clearly displays all that disappointment. it makes me want to shoot myself. i told my sister and tried to make it better by telling her that penkala said i would most definitely get into msu, but thats not good enough. vicki yelled at me for thinking that it is.
i got a 102 on my environmental test. i cant even remember the last time i got a 100 on a test before this. i told my dad but he didnt really care. it doesnt make up for my failures
i just want to cry right now. i usually try not to sound depressed on these things cuz im not depressed i just get upset over gay shit, but the fact that i am not good enough is killing me. i feel so incredibly inadequate in every aspect of my life. please dont comment with "oh angela dont think that ur wonderful blah blah bullshit bullshit more bullshit." i just want to go to sleep right now.