Some Thoughts
It's 7 AM. I'm kind of tired, pretty lonely, and upset with myself for fucking up yet again.
What is it with me? What is it exactly that makes me just go ahead and do or say the first thing I think of before I actually think of any consequences or reprocussions? I'm about god damn tired of it.
Thing is... I'm not always like that. There have been and will be plenty of times when I'll specifically not say something or do something, for the sake of someone's feelings, or whatever reason stops NORMAL people from saying retarded things. You just don't know that I've not said or done these things... because they weren't said or done.
As of this moment, and since the 22nd of October, I still have the same sinking feeling in my chest that you get when something terribly emotionally terrible happens. You know the feeling, I don't have to describe it for you.
I've made so many mistakes to get here. It really is incredible that I was as blind as I was, to the fact that I was losing her so quickly. Now that I realize exactly what I've lost, I feel even worse than I did when I still felt like I was the only one hurting.
I've cried. Loudly. When no one was around, of course... but god damn it, I never thought I could cry like that. Then again, I never thought I could feel as emotionally anguished and completely devastated as I did.
The fucked up part is that I started it all. She may have made it worse, by choosing of all people him after the decline... but I started it by not opening my god damned eyes. I need more experience with this sort of thing. By no means do I mean that I need to feel hurt more often. I guess I just wish I knew how to care for someone better. How to make them feel appreciated. I haven't had many friends throughout life, and even fewer girlfriends. Maybe had I had more of these, I'd be better at showing I care? I don't know, I'm no shrink.
I'm 21 (almost 22) years old, and dreadfully unemployed. The situation is getting ridiculous. I NEED a job... not only for money and all the things that come with it, but I need a job to occupy myself, and my mind. I called the old boss Saturday morning about getting my old job back. He said to call back on Monday, because he just had put an ad in the newspaper. He tends to try to be fair as far as giving people a chance goes. I just hope he tells me he still needs someone, come Monday morning.
My goals for the next few months are as follows:
GET A JOB
GET A CAR
MAKE SOME FRIENDS
SELF-DEPENDENCE
START OVER WITH HER
and then of course, to live happily ever after.
Unrealistic? FUCK YOU. I've got to start being more driven. I've got my motivation. I've got the goals. Now all I need is to get the fuck up and do it.
To be perfectly honest... a huge part of my motivation is the prospect of once again making her happy. Knowing she might again one day wake up next to me, happy with the person next to her.
I CAN'T REMEMBER IF I EVER TOOK A MINUTE TO SAY
THAT IF IT HAD TO BE NOW, I'M GLAD IT HAD TO BE ME
I cant recuperate, I'm never going to leave here alive
Just help me through this, don't let me die here
BUT I'M ALMOST OUT OF BREATH FROM SAYING THINGS THAT I'LL REGRET
My time is over, I can't do this alone
I'm infected with you, pull the plug already
Tell me before I go, that you're infected with me
I'M KILLING TIME JUST TRYING TO FIND
THE WORDS THAT FALL SO SHORT OF YOU
I'm losing sleep, I can't compete
I'm giving out, I can't do this alone.
I'm done now. I need to think for a while before I try to get some sleep.
Goodmorning.
What is it with me? What is it exactly that makes me just go ahead and do or say the first thing I think of before I actually think of any consequences or reprocussions? I'm about god damn tired of it.
Thing is... I'm not always like that. There have been and will be plenty of times when I'll specifically not say something or do something, for the sake of someone's feelings, or whatever reason stops NORMAL people from saying retarded things. You just don't know that I've not said or done these things... because they weren't said or done.
As of this moment, and since the 22nd of October, I still have the same sinking feeling in my chest that you get when something terribly emotionally terrible happens. You know the feeling, I don't have to describe it for you.
I've made so many mistakes to get here. It really is incredible that I was as blind as I was, to the fact that I was losing her so quickly. Now that I realize exactly what I've lost, I feel even worse than I did when I still felt like I was the only one hurting.
I've cried. Loudly. When no one was around, of course... but god damn it, I never thought I could cry like that. Then again, I never thought I could feel as emotionally anguished and completely devastated as I did.
The fucked up part is that I started it all. She may have made it worse, by choosing of all people him after the decline... but I started it by not opening my god damned eyes. I need more experience with this sort of thing. By no means do I mean that I need to feel hurt more often. I guess I just wish I knew how to care for someone better. How to make them feel appreciated. I haven't had many friends throughout life, and even fewer girlfriends. Maybe had I had more of these, I'd be better at showing I care? I don't know, I'm no shrink.
I'm 21 (almost 22) years old, and dreadfully unemployed. The situation is getting ridiculous. I NEED a job... not only for money and all the things that come with it, but I need a job to occupy myself, and my mind. I called the old boss Saturday morning about getting my old job back. He said to call back on Monday, because he just had put an ad in the newspaper. He tends to try to be fair as far as giving people a chance goes. I just hope he tells me he still needs someone, come Monday morning.
My goals for the next few months are as follows:
GET A JOB
GET A CAR
MAKE SOME FRIENDS
SELF-DEPENDENCE
START OVER WITH HER
and then of course, to live happily ever after.
Unrealistic? FUCK YOU. I've got to start being more driven. I've got my motivation. I've got the goals. Now all I need is to get the fuck up and do it.
To be perfectly honest... a huge part of my motivation is the prospect of once again making her happy. Knowing she might again one day wake up next to me, happy with the person next to her.
I CAN'T REMEMBER IF I EVER TOOK A MINUTE TO SAY
THAT IF IT HAD TO BE NOW, I'M GLAD IT HAD TO BE ME
I cant recuperate, I'm never going to leave here alive
Just help me through this, don't let me die here
BUT I'M ALMOST OUT OF BREATH FROM SAYING THINGS THAT I'LL REGRET
My time is over, I can't do this alone
I'm infected with you, pull the plug already
Tell me before I go, that you're infected with me
I'M KILLING TIME JUST TRYING TO FIND
THE WORDS THAT FALL SO SHORT OF YOU
I'm losing sleep, I can't compete
I'm giving out, I can't do this alone.
I'm done now. I need to think for a while before I try to get some sleep.
Goodmorning.