my return
well folks, you can stop crying a living a life full of despair in a state of utter disarray because i have finally returned from my sabbatical aimed at giving aid to my grandfather in his darkest hours. but, with all larded language aside, i am happy to note that, for those of you that care, my grandfather is doing much better and looks as if he will soon be making a full recovery and return to a level of health that he has not been at for years. it was looking pretty scary for quite awhile, and there were several nights when we were not sure if he was ever going to see another sunrise, but now it seems safe to say that he will wake to see many more sunrises. all in all, it is comforting to know that a complete and total mental and emotional breakdown brought on by the loss of my grandfather has now apparently been averted. additionally, during those sleepless nights that my grandfather spent inches away from a seemingly ingmar bergmanesque antagonist, i was forced to think about how i would react if i were to lose him. for anyone who is not aware, i do not feel as strong of a connection with anyone less one person as i do with my grandfather. for the longest time, he was all i had and all i cared about in this world. the thought of losing that man absolutely petrified me, and i simply could not bear to face it at first; but i eventually was able to come to grips with it because of the fact that although he is, and always has been, my world, he has lived a full life and was in so much pain that for me to wish for his continuance in that state was not compassion, but, rather, selfish longing. i realized that although it was likely that his passing would render me clinically insane for some time, i would rather lose my mind than see him continue on in a state of excruciating pain. furthermore, while contemplating this topic, i also began to think about just how fragile life is and how meaningful or meaningless we can make it. then i thought about my life and wondered which word fit my life at present as reflected by my thoughts, decisions and actions. as i thought about my life thus far, i realized that somewhere along the line i lost sight of what was important in life and failed to grow mentally past the age of five. i have gone through life refusing to progress any with anyone outside of my grandfather less one person since then because i was too damned afraid of life. that one other person, however, forced me to see how beautiful and meaningful life could be in spite of me; but i still was unwilling to fully relinquish my fear until it was too late. because i was so afraid of getting hurt and being left alone with nothing but my fears again, i pushed and pushed until finally i shoved them away. but who needs someone to care about you when you can fantasize about grandiose dreams and aspirations and promote an air of superiority to keep people away from you? thinking about how my grandfather gulped for air through his mechanized respirator for life's last breath just to hold on for a little bit longer so that his luck might change, and he might some how be able to pull through and come out on the other end better than before made me realized that i was one step away from being all alone. i pissed away my favorite person in the world and was seconds away from losing my grandfather. i was about to be right back where i was fourteen years ago not because i lived in a cruel world and had been dealt a shitty hand, but, rather, because i had made poor decisions that broke the heart of someone that i claimed to care about, and my grandfather was sick. it was time to change. i started thinking about what was necessary to change and what actions should be taken when i realized that this was not something that required much thought. all i had to do was stop being a fucking asshole, sack up and grow up. life is too short and too precious to waste away afraid of everything, and i sure as hell was done doing just that. only time will tell whether or not i am blowing smoke up the shoot to everyone who knows me, but i know that i am done with all of that. i am going to do everything in my power from this breath until my last to constantly strive to be a better man and show through not just words and goals, but actions and resolve that i can be a good man. my only hope is that it is not too late already to prove it to the person that really matters. all i can to is hope and try. oddly enough, it was as soon as i realized that i needed to stop fucking my life up and hurting people i love that my grandfather began to get better. i am not claiming that i am in anyway responsible for his expedient recovery, but i think maybe that it could be a sign from the big guy that i am stepping in the right direction. i have a long road to travel yet, and although it is likely to prove difficult and disparaging at times, i know i will be able to stay the course as long as i remember the stark contrast between how empty and depraved i felt when i saw the effects of me foolishly striking out against my favorite person due to idiotic and infantile logic, and how whole and very nearly complete i feel when i look to what my future can bring if i try hard enough.
i think that i am going to put the leftist revolution of hold for the time being. i have more important things to worry about right now. how is it that i was ever able to delude myself into believing that i could ever change the world for the better if i, myself, was in a downward spiral? that is not to say that my political standings are in any way shifting, but it is to say that i am not, nor do i think that i ever will be, ready to walk away from everything i love in this world for some cooked up pipe dream. regardless of the world around you, what is most important in this world is having someone to share it with because, after all, what is the point of having the greatest stories to tell if there is no one to hear them? i can be certain of one thing, though, political theory is much more confusing than the title lets on. it is turning my brain to butter because of the way in which my mind is churning so fervently in an attempt to figure out the way society should ideally be. i think, maybe, that there is no such thing as an ideal society because no matter how good the status quo may seem to one person, it will be equally deplorable to another. and with the minds of men and women as fickle as they are, any system can gain and lose its majority favor with the flip of a coin. the ideal society does not exist and never will. what is critical is living our lives in such a way that we may be ideal persons and try to spread that demeanor as far as possible. greatness lies within our souls, not our societies.
also, i a planning on buying a motorcycle sometime in the future provided that the proper funds have been gathered. i have always wanted a big ass chopper to cruise around on, so i think i am going to start working toward getting one. i, of course, do not plan on sinking all of my money into a beautiful chopper for my first bike however because i imagine that i would crash it within the first month of owning it if i did. so i am going to save up enough money to buy a 650-850 cruiser that hopefully has a little bit of an extended front end so that i can get used to a chopper feel. once i get really comfortable with the "starter bike", i will begin to think about the badass bike.
well i think that is enough typing for now...i just felt the need to make up for lost time if you know what i mean. alright folks, adios!
i think that i am going to put the leftist revolution of hold for the time being. i have more important things to worry about right now. how is it that i was ever able to delude myself into believing that i could ever change the world for the better if i, myself, was in a downward spiral? that is not to say that my political standings are in any way shifting, but it is to say that i am not, nor do i think that i ever will be, ready to walk away from everything i love in this world for some cooked up pipe dream. regardless of the world around you, what is most important in this world is having someone to share it with because, after all, what is the point of having the greatest stories to tell if there is no one to hear them? i can be certain of one thing, though, political theory is much more confusing than the title lets on. it is turning my brain to butter because of the way in which my mind is churning so fervently in an attempt to figure out the way society should ideally be. i think, maybe, that there is no such thing as an ideal society because no matter how good the status quo may seem to one person, it will be equally deplorable to another. and with the minds of men and women as fickle as they are, any system can gain and lose its majority favor with the flip of a coin. the ideal society does not exist and never will. what is critical is living our lives in such a way that we may be ideal persons and try to spread that demeanor as far as possible. greatness lies within our souls, not our societies.
also, i a planning on buying a motorcycle sometime in the future provided that the proper funds have been gathered. i have always wanted a big ass chopper to cruise around on, so i think i am going to start working toward getting one. i, of course, do not plan on sinking all of my money into a beautiful chopper for my first bike however because i imagine that i would crash it within the first month of owning it if i did. so i am going to save up enough money to buy a 650-850 cruiser that hopefully has a little bit of an extended front end so that i can get used to a chopper feel. once i get really comfortable with the "starter bike", i will begin to think about the badass bike.
well i think that is enough typing for now...i just felt the need to make up for lost time if you know what i mean. alright folks, adios!