an inquisitive cognition of thought
my world, my mind, my dreams, my future, my life, my heart...i know that i have and am eternally bound to all of these, but i am increasingly unsure of each of their states. they are all becoming an amorphous hodgepodge slowly compiling in the depths of me while i desperately search for their purpose, for their way. the only thing that i know at this point in my life is that i want to change the world and the society therein for the better by some means or another. i am not willing to subside myself to becoming just another failed dreamer, another ignorant drone, another small minded simpleton. i will not go blind through indiscretions and lack of discipline. but then, i wonder, why am i making my feeble attempt to get through college? if not to get a piece of paper telling the world that i am certifiably intelligent and worthy of holding a position that will placate my desires for wealth, then what else? to get a background of knowledge in the field i desire to enter in life? to gain a certain amount of discipline and longevity in my undertakings? to stand static so that i can slowly decipher my purpose in life by sitting in a pale, drab room and listening to a would be albeit ramble on about some inane, meaningless topic? no, the more i contemplate on the topic, the more ludicrous my tenure here at the university seems; but, yet, i am still here. yes, it will prove to be beneficial to me in the long run for all of the qualities aforementioned, but, then again, when will i realize that the only way for me to avoid becoming just another joe ignorance and not realizing that all of the intelligence, discipline and maturity that will be required from me in life simply cannot be learned through interactions with self-absorbed, self-righteous drones; nor can it be taught by idiosyncratic professors. what i want, no, what i must learn can only be taught through experience and sight. it can only be learned by becoming truly aware by way of physical presence and proximity to that which i wish to change and that which i intend to be a part of. i do not know though. maybe it is best that i stay unmoved for a just a little while more so that i can fully crystallize into the man that i want to be forever sublimated through the catalysts of injustice, inequality and common disregard for humanity. or maybe i am still here today because i lack the fortitude and the vision that i pray to possess every day and every night. i do not know. i do know that if i allow myself to slink into some institutionalized post of western civilization, i will forever be disgusted and repulsed by my inability to devote myself to something meaningful. that is not to say that i look down upon people who live out their lives in such posts; but it is to say that i would look down on myself if i do. i believe that everyone is born with a purpose, a reason for being, and to ignore that god granted path is not only immoral, but sacrilegious. i am not meant to rest on a protruding stomach and heavy feet. fuck. sometimes i lay in bed late in the night unable to close my eyes because i am so completely and entirely appalled at my total lack of moral fiber. when is it a good time for me to start life, bryce? when can i stop fucking wasting time, bryce? when can i open my fucking eyes you stupid sonofabitch!? wake up you fucking moron! goddamnit i want to open my eyes and look at myself. why has the lord given me this vision of the path that lay in front of me, but not allowed me to fully comprehend it? is it to illicit a response, an action from me? probably. i am just too much of a fucking pussy to realize my goals, my dreams, my life. school...money...careers...cars...trends...they are all jokes and meaningless in the big scheme of things. they are no more than mechanisms that allow ourselves to become too caught up in the moment of things so that we will put coin after coin into the machine. it is all a farce. a farce that i was unfortunately born into; and, furthermore, a farce that has its hand tightly wrapped around my throat while i am frantically attempting to wriggle free from its choking grasp. i cannot breathe. but my asthma, my wheezing, my shallow breath is slowly disappearing. one of the most peculiar things about che is the fact that all through his life he was crippled by his asthma, but once he got out into the fields, it disappeared. people often debate on how this can be explained through reason, but i know the truth. he was born with the weight of societal depravity upon his chest, and once he had fully cast it from himself, it was no longer able to plague him. someone, somewhere give me the wisdom, the knowledge to discover the means for me to exact my purpose for being upon the world so that i too can cast this weight from me. i will see. i will be strong. i will see. i will not fail. i will see.