Feeling it...
Maybe it's just me or maybe it's just an ancient thing clawing at me against everything i want. (I'm using the term "thing" because it doesn't have a technical name). It's basically the urge to kill mixed with the need to feel affection from the afformentioned urge. I don't like it and it's hard to control. Today, i failed. It's not the first time in this particular relationship and i'm shocked that i'm still with him after all the nagging. Holy shit... i'm turning into my mother! That's the "thing". I can't change thousands of years worth of genetic altering through simple routine. I'm doomed to forever be a pain in some man's ass.
Man, i remember when i could just hang with the guys. Catch a football game and sneak a beer when the parentals weren't around. Dating is so different from that. I can't just say the first thing that pops into my head because it might have hurtful underlayers. But then again, the other side of this is that i also must recieve something out of what i put time into. I want...no, demand to feel wanted. I like to know that i'm still sexy or attractive in the least to him. I get nothing. A huge void that i fill with sarcasm and force because I'm to the point of utter frustration. I'll say anything to get him to notice me. Even if it's negative to the extreme. So what now? Just sit back and feel left out of his life? It's not my style but if i can keep him, i'll do it. I loved him as a friend and i like him as a boyfriend. So what's the damn deal?
My nerves are shot. Regionals made me sicker than hell. I couldn't sleep wednesday night because of it. I'm already getting nervous for states. I woke up in a cold sweat last night and that's never happened before. I must be getting old. My dad will be up on Saturday morning to watch me run. He's flying in from Jacksonville at midnight. YAY! One more meet and i'm done. I can let my body relax and finally heal so i can kick it during track.
Ok... now that philosophical BS is out of the way, I can be fun again.
Zora got an 89% on her Biology test. I'm so happy for her. She really needed that grade. She's been working her butt off since she got here to make her parents happy. She needs a break. I think we'll go do something fun with her over Thanksgiving break. I'm not sure what but it'll be pure American with some Chinese flair. HAHA.
That's about all i can stand to think through tonight. I might be losing the computer for a couple of days while we rearrange the living room. So if you have any complaints, most of you know how to get ahold of me.
Man, i remember when i could just hang with the guys. Catch a football game and sneak a beer when the parentals weren't around. Dating is so different from that. I can't just say the first thing that pops into my head because it might have hurtful underlayers. But then again, the other side of this is that i also must recieve something out of what i put time into. I want...no, demand to feel wanted. I like to know that i'm still sexy or attractive in the least to him. I get nothing. A huge void that i fill with sarcasm and force because I'm to the point of utter frustration. I'll say anything to get him to notice me. Even if it's negative to the extreme. So what now? Just sit back and feel left out of his life? It's not my style but if i can keep him, i'll do it. I loved him as a friend and i like him as a boyfriend. So what's the damn deal?
My nerves are shot. Regionals made me sicker than hell. I couldn't sleep wednesday night because of it. I'm already getting nervous for states. I woke up in a cold sweat last night and that's never happened before. I must be getting old. My dad will be up on Saturday morning to watch me run. He's flying in from Jacksonville at midnight. YAY! One more meet and i'm done. I can let my body relax and finally heal so i can kick it during track.
Ok... now that philosophical BS is out of the way, I can be fun again.
Zora got an 89% on her Biology test. I'm so happy for her. She really needed that grade. She's been working her butt off since she got here to make her parents happy. She needs a break. I think we'll go do something fun with her over Thanksgiving break. I'm not sure what but it'll be pure American with some Chinese flair. HAHA.
That's about all i can stand to think through tonight. I might be losing the computer for a couple of days while we rearrange the living room. So if you have any complaints, most of you know how to get ahold of me.