Apology
I apologize too much.
That is the bottom line for everything I put in any entry/blog, xanga or livejournal.
I simply cannot get this whole living thing right and it kills me.
I don't really... I mean... let's just say there's stuff in my life that isn't going too great and I've made a lot of mistakes lately. Now I'm trying to fix everything but it just seems to be falling apart even more.
It reminds me of tissues (dont ask) but.. when they get like a drip of water on them, even the slightest bit, they start to rip and then they fall apart. They're gone, and my life seems to be doing that.
I don't know.. I'll definitely delete this entry soon. I have a tendency to write in publicly viewed places when I am depressed.. and it always manages to bite me in the butt. But I could care less. I also have a tendency to be an asshole, have a big mouth, and go against everything I say. I don't even know if it's subconscious or not. I mean.. it is.. but I'm aware of what I'm doing sometimes. In the back of my mind I'm realizing I'll hate myself for what I'm doing, but I don't stop. Is this normal? What is normal? I mean.. there is no normal, so why do i care? Why do I even give a damn? But i do. I care too much. I care so much it hurts. and then i overcompensate and become numb. God.. being numb takes so much energy you wouldn't even believe it. Try it sometime.
Wait... don't. Never try any of the things I do. They'll... I guess that's what I'm most afriad of. I'm so afraid one of my friends will turn into me. By that I mean they wll make the same mistakes I did. I could never forgive myself for that. For putting ideas in their heads that make them go through shit. I'd like to say I have an excuse, but blaming something is too easy. This is my fault. I have to say that once and for all: everything I complain about, everything that bothers me, everything that gets me down is my fault. I could fix all of it if I tried hard enough, I just don't bother anymore.
I am in a strange mood. I had forgotten what this felt like... How is it I get depressed so often and so easily, yet every time I'm happy again I forget what this feeling is. This is why I'm in so much trouble... if I remembered this feelign I wouldn't repeat mistakes.
I'm sorry. I'm going to be vague for a moment, but this is important, and I don't want people asking questions so I'm not naming names.
I am so sorry. I knew that it would hurt you as I was doing it, but I thought you wouldn't know. I didn't know how to tell you in the first place, becuase I'm afraid to hurt you. I'm always careful around you becasue I don't want to lose you as a friend. People say things that make me worry, becuase you are one of my closest friends and I don't know what I'd do without you. I should've said this sooner, and next time I will tell you, instead of having you find out that way. For once, this is all about you. Be cocky, you are better than everyone else, and you can in fact guess who this vagueness is about, becuase it is you. I truly am sorry, and I hope we can talk this out? If not I understand. Even when I don't say it, I do love you.
That is the bottom line for everything I put in any entry/blog, xanga or livejournal.
I simply cannot get this whole living thing right and it kills me.
I don't really... I mean... let's just say there's stuff in my life that isn't going too great and I've made a lot of mistakes lately. Now I'm trying to fix everything but it just seems to be falling apart even more.
It reminds me of tissues (dont ask) but.. when they get like a drip of water on them, even the slightest bit, they start to rip and then they fall apart. They're gone, and my life seems to be doing that.
I don't know.. I'll definitely delete this entry soon. I have a tendency to write in publicly viewed places when I am depressed.. and it always manages to bite me in the butt. But I could care less. I also have a tendency to be an asshole, have a big mouth, and go against everything I say. I don't even know if it's subconscious or not. I mean.. it is.. but I'm aware of what I'm doing sometimes. In the back of my mind I'm realizing I'll hate myself for what I'm doing, but I don't stop. Is this normal? What is normal? I mean.. there is no normal, so why do i care? Why do I even give a damn? But i do. I care too much. I care so much it hurts. and then i overcompensate and become numb. God.. being numb takes so much energy you wouldn't even believe it. Try it sometime.
Wait... don't. Never try any of the things I do. They'll... I guess that's what I'm most afriad of. I'm so afraid one of my friends will turn into me. By that I mean they wll make the same mistakes I did. I could never forgive myself for that. For putting ideas in their heads that make them go through shit. I'd like to say I have an excuse, but blaming something is too easy. This is my fault. I have to say that once and for all: everything I complain about, everything that bothers me, everything that gets me down is my fault. I could fix all of it if I tried hard enough, I just don't bother anymore.
I am in a strange mood. I had forgotten what this felt like... How is it I get depressed so often and so easily, yet every time I'm happy again I forget what this feeling is. This is why I'm in so much trouble... if I remembered this feelign I wouldn't repeat mistakes.
I'm sorry. I'm going to be vague for a moment, but this is important, and I don't want people asking questions so I'm not naming names.
I am so sorry. I knew that it would hurt you as I was doing it, but I thought you wouldn't know. I didn't know how to tell you in the first place, becuase I'm afraid to hurt you. I'm always careful around you becasue I don't want to lose you as a friend. People say things that make me worry, becuase you are one of my closest friends and I don't know what I'd do without you. I should've said this sooner, and next time I will tell you, instead of having you find out that way. For once, this is all about you. Be cocky, you are better than everyone else, and you can in fact guess who this vagueness is about, becuase it is you. I truly am sorry, and I hope we can talk this out? If not I understand. Even when I don't say it, I do love you.