(no subject)
My friends try to understand...but they can't. Just as I can't possibly know the frustration of Nicole as she has her jaw wired shut, they just don't know the chaos of courts and hospitals and my own mental dilemmas. I told them that I was so scared about going to court tomorrow, and they sympathized, but they have no idea what that means. They don't know how it feels to get a look from your mother like she wants to leap out of her handcuffs and kill you. They don't know the terror of being summoned to court without knowing what they'll ask of you or want of you. I'm so scared. Will they want me to testify about the assault? Will they want me to paint a picture of my mother's behaviors? Is my presence just required arbitrarily? Do they want my recommendation for her treatment plans? I don't know the answers to any of the questions.
Kathy volunteered to go with me tomorrow, but I think I'll go on my own maybe. It'll be harder that way. I feel like maybe I should suffer. Like if I make it as hard as can be, and I succeed, then I'll come out of it even stronger. Although even Kathy's presence would make it only slightly easier to bear. I feel like I should go through it alone since I'm all I have to count on. I shouldn't need a crutch of another person.
I have the game plan of never making eye contact with my mother. It'll be easier if I act aloof and hardly look her direction, let alone make eye contact and communicate with her. She is dead to me, which is precisely what makes this so terrifying - it's as though she's back from the grave. But if I just act apathetic and cold and frigid, perhaps it'll be easier on me. She can't hurt me if I don't even look her way.
I am so scared. But I've been through worse. I've walked away from a near-fatal car accident that logically should've killed me. I've faced my fear of needles many times for tattoos and piercings. I've fought my way out of my mother's grip and restrained her until the police came, though she is taller and bigger than me. I've survived the common hell of middle school and high school woes. I've weathered two alcoholic parents and an apathetic sister. I've been able to face my own personal demons thus far and not give in. I've been pushed to the edge time and time again, and I've yet to break.
I just need to be strong tomorrow. Strong the next day. Strong until I'm free, I suppose.
Kathy volunteered to go with me tomorrow, but I think I'll go on my own maybe. It'll be harder that way. I feel like maybe I should suffer. Like if I make it as hard as can be, and I succeed, then I'll come out of it even stronger. Although even Kathy's presence would make it only slightly easier to bear. I feel like I should go through it alone since I'm all I have to count on. I shouldn't need a crutch of another person.
I have the game plan of never making eye contact with my mother. It'll be easier if I act aloof and hardly look her direction, let alone make eye contact and communicate with her. She is dead to me, which is precisely what makes this so terrifying - it's as though she's back from the grave. But if I just act apathetic and cold and frigid, perhaps it'll be easier on me. She can't hurt me if I don't even look her way.
I am so scared. But I've been through worse. I've walked away from a near-fatal car accident that logically should've killed me. I've faced my fear of needles many times for tattoos and piercings. I've fought my way out of my mother's grip and restrained her until the police came, though she is taller and bigger than me. I've survived the common hell of middle school and high school woes. I've weathered two alcoholic parents and an apathetic sister. I've been able to face my own personal demons thus far and not give in. I've been pushed to the edge time and time again, and I've yet to break.
I just need to be strong tomorrow. Strong the next day. Strong until I'm free, I suppose.