I Am The Damned
Over the past few days, I have been put through a living nightmare. Someone I have held as a dear friend decided I was the enemy, and tossed me aside like so much garbage. She said a final goodbye, to which my partner then responded (via my LJ account) by calling her on it. Something akin to "If it's goodbye now it's goodbye forever". From that point on, I have been demonized by my (now former, I guess) friend, who has trashed me for not standing by her to the point of having me in tears. I have watched the closest friendship I have ever known disintegrate into nothing, leaving both of us feeling betrayed. I sat by as she removed me from her LJ friends list, then thrashed me for abandoning her. I briefly decided to remove her from MY LJ, largely out of spite, then thought better of it and decided that doing that would only prove to her that she was right. I await whatever fallout may come from this, but I know now what hell is. No matter how often I have stood in her corner, as well as the corners of others, I am damned. Damned not for what I have done that is good, but for what I haven't done, and for what evil was percieved to have been done. Nothing will ever remove this from me. I once offered to remove myself from the new support group list if it would mean she would stay, only to have that offer rejected as unnecessary. I now find myself asking if perhaps it would be best if I followed through with my offer. If doing this would heal the wounds, I would do so in an instant. It is, I fear, not enough. Nothing ever will be.