Missing the old Gaby
"He could have been well content to pass his life as a shepherd, like his father, but for two things: he knew it would be well for others to know; and he had the hunger after the society of books. A man must be able to do without whatever is denied him, but when his heart is hungry for an honest thing, he may use honest endeavor to obtain it." - George MacDonald, The Shepherd's Castle
Reading this from one of my favorite fantasy writers (who also writes realistic novels like The Shepherd's Castle), my heart is stirred once more. Last night, my good friend Ching who was the one who shared Jesus to me, told me that she misses the old Gaby. This was the Gaby who loved anime, books, and was basically a nerd and bookworm and weird and indie and whatnot. I told her I missed this Gaby, too. I had felt that to follow Christ means to die to myself and my desires. But I had forgotten that God had also made me unique, that He had put His desires for me in me. That not all desires are evil, like the desire to be the best that God wants us to be.
I am most alive when I follow God's design for me for His purpose. I am alive when I read Madeleine L'Engle, CS Lewis, George MacDonald, JRR Tolkien--all believers in the one true God but who never despised their calling to write. Instead, they fought for the successful marriage of faith and work. I believe this is what the Bible means when it says that faith without action is dead. The world cries out for a living faith. Faith that is not just seen in proclamation but demonstration. As Paul emphasizes, the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.
I am most alive when I get to lose myself in my books, both creative and theological. To open "a new book with old book smells" as I have written a long time past, I have almost forgotten it.
I am most alive when I teach, and the word taught bears fruit in the person's heart. I love teaching one on one. I love teaching in small groups. I love teaching those who want to learn.
I am a teacher, scholar, preacher, missionary, and writer. I love both the creative and theological life. I love deep discussions and deep thoughts and beautiful language. I think that is how God designed me to be. And I don't like starving myself anymore. I think this puts the label "starving artist" to a whole new light. I think that thought deserves an essay on its own. I am praying that God would point me to where He wants me to be. Wherever you go, Lord. I will follow.