(no subject)
Alright so here it goes. im going to tell everyone what the hells been going onw ith me because that one no one will feel more or less special than anyone else.
Lately things in my home have gone to shit. i havent felt like i have a family that loves be or supports me because no one will listen to me. i want to go to school for somehting completly different than the rest of my family wants me to go to school for. screw them you say? it doesnt work that way. they are my FAMILY. my dad is incrediby intimidating and the few timesi HAVE stood up for my self havent been very successfull. so that constant support system, that constant love, that constant feeling that is supposed to be there in a persons life hasnt been there for me. because it has been gone i have been questioning my ability to be there for anyone else. especially myself. ive been questioning my feelings for andy, most of my friends and i have really started to hate myself. more and more of those days that a person just feels like shit have come around for me and i hate them. im trying to make a serious effort to change that. this is something ive been going through for almost a month and a half and it all just rushed together this week and last. i need people to let me breath. im not saying that i hate you guys and i dont want you around. im saying i want you to understand. im saying that i need to figure myself out again. the guy i love kept telling me nothing was wrong with me and i knew better. ive been having a horrible time just deciding what i want in my life because of all the shit that comes with it. andy and i went on a break because i thought it would help me. well it turned out that it just messed me up even more and i hurt him so bad. thats how far this has gone in my head. ive tried to seperate myself from the one person who loves me uncontrolably and wants to spend his life with me. i have seperated myself from my friends. ive found it hard to talk to most of them with out having to change my trian of thought 1000 times and then just not teling them what i desperately want to. i dont want to be alone because i know if i am i will think about way to many things, but at the same time i need to be alone so i CAN think of way to many things. i need you guys to be there for me. i have changed dramatically because of what happend with the two of you. you know who you are. i jhavent changed on the out side, but on the inside i have. i feel like i have to devide my time between the two people that used to be my life. and partly because of that its caused me to not have anytime for the two of you alone. i miss cayla too. i never see her. granted i havent called or made a crazy effort, but i didnt used to have to do that. it was "ya wanna hang out?" "sure ill call the girls" that was that. im not blaming you, but once again im trying to offer some sort of explanation. i dont expect you guys to just get over it and i dont expect you guys to just forgive me, but i do expect you to TRY and understand what ive been going through. because at a time when i thought i would need a friend. i dont want anyones help. i want to love myself again, and im afraid that i wont be able to.
so all im asking of you guys is just understand. please. understand. i know thats insane of me to ask and very far fetched but its what i need from you.
Lately things in my home have gone to shit. i havent felt like i have a family that loves be or supports me because no one will listen to me. i want to go to school for somehting completly different than the rest of my family wants me to go to school for. screw them you say? it doesnt work that way. they are my FAMILY. my dad is incrediby intimidating and the few timesi HAVE stood up for my self havent been very successfull. so that constant support system, that constant love, that constant feeling that is supposed to be there in a persons life hasnt been there for me. because it has been gone i have been questioning my ability to be there for anyone else. especially myself. ive been questioning my feelings for andy, most of my friends and i have really started to hate myself. more and more of those days that a person just feels like shit have come around for me and i hate them. im trying to make a serious effort to change that. this is something ive been going through for almost a month and a half and it all just rushed together this week and last. i need people to let me breath. im not saying that i hate you guys and i dont want you around. im saying i want you to understand. im saying that i need to figure myself out again. the guy i love kept telling me nothing was wrong with me and i knew better. ive been having a horrible time just deciding what i want in my life because of all the shit that comes with it. andy and i went on a break because i thought it would help me. well it turned out that it just messed me up even more and i hurt him so bad. thats how far this has gone in my head. ive tried to seperate myself from the one person who loves me uncontrolably and wants to spend his life with me. i have seperated myself from my friends. ive found it hard to talk to most of them with out having to change my trian of thought 1000 times and then just not teling them what i desperately want to. i dont want to be alone because i know if i am i will think about way to many things, but at the same time i need to be alone so i CAN think of way to many things. i need you guys to be there for me. i have changed dramatically because of what happend with the two of you. you know who you are. i jhavent changed on the out side, but on the inside i have. i feel like i have to devide my time between the two people that used to be my life. and partly because of that its caused me to not have anytime for the two of you alone. i miss cayla too. i never see her. granted i havent called or made a crazy effort, but i didnt used to have to do that. it was "ya wanna hang out?" "sure ill call the girls" that was that. im not blaming you, but once again im trying to offer some sort of explanation. i dont expect you guys to just get over it and i dont expect you guys to just forgive me, but i do expect you to TRY and understand what ive been going through. because at a time when i thought i would need a friend. i dont want anyones help. i want to love myself again, and im afraid that i wont be able to.
so all im asking of you guys is just understand. please. understand. i know thats insane of me to ask and very far fetched but its what i need from you.