May 03, 2004 21:46
When I say I hate myself, It's not that I hate myself as a whole, but as an analistic bitch, that can't keep her mind off of the problems of the world and all the players in it. Myself included of course.
I place my mind into these corners, that have no up or down, they're just cubed endlessly.
my current situation is no different. the hopes to intensively change that, begin...soon.
I have placed myself in the same situation that withheld for so long when I was 13. And remained till my 16th year of life.
This time I don't refuse, but hope to insure it will not be the same, it's been nearly 6 months. and I have high hopes that it shall be no longer then the end of summer. I say that because the end of tomorrow seems pretentious.
3 things outside of my mind, keep me going everyday, 2 more intense then the 3rd, and 1 more intense then the 2.
the fact remains that like anyone I have been used before numerous times. some ways stronger then others. And because of this I have issues with perceiving what is wanted and need and when or when not to do so.
I leave things up to others to simply know. And it's no fault of anyone but me.
I feel sick.
People who know me, know that this over the ..years has become a bitch journal, and I truly wish it wasn't so. I either continue to say how life is punishing me, or how the world is fucking beautiful. No real inbetween.
I should simply be able to say what I need to and be done with it.
No matter the outcome it is being truest to me.