This would be the loop that comes after the corkscrew
If my life were a movie, this would be the scene where I fall to my knees and scream and cry and breakdown. And it would be raining and my hair would fall in strings around my face. And then I would just lie on the ground and let the raindrops fall on me. And then someone would help me up and wrap me in a blanket and take me inside somewhere warm. Hot chocolate would be involved.
But because I don't live in a movie, I'm going to go study as much as I can for my history of modern medicine tomorrow. And I'm going to hope that this breakdown feeling disappears until I have time to deal with it.
I don't know why. I should be happy. I'm just kind of scared, kind of nervous, kind of feeling like an idiot. I'm disappointed in myself. I'm not meeting my own standards. Granted, I have impossible expectations of myself, but still. I don't know. We talked about depression at APTT today. It made me think. If I could solve all my problems with a pill, that'd be awesome. I just don't know what to do.
My instinct is to keep trying. I can't give up. I can't give up on something I care about so much. Ohemaa told me that I wasn't stupid for not giving up. She said that you have at least a 50% chance of getting hurt in any relationship. And that if I want this, and if he wants this, then why shouldn't we go for it? I just can't shake the ominous feeling. I don't know. I'm not in a good state of mind. I haven't slept well in a long time. It's just that sometimes I feel like he doesn't care. And I know that's not true. I just get the feeling that I'm unimportant and that he acknowledges me when it's convenient for him. I don't know what I want. Maybe I just need a lot of attention. I need to focus on myself right now. I need to make myself better.
That's the first item on my to-do list. Make myself better. I know what's wrong...I just don't know how to fix it. I'm just struggling. A lot. Flailing my arms around.
But because I don't live in a movie, I'm going to go study as much as I can for my history of modern medicine tomorrow. And I'm going to hope that this breakdown feeling disappears until I have time to deal with it.
I don't know why. I should be happy. I'm just kind of scared, kind of nervous, kind of feeling like an idiot. I'm disappointed in myself. I'm not meeting my own standards. Granted, I have impossible expectations of myself, but still. I don't know. We talked about depression at APTT today. It made me think. If I could solve all my problems with a pill, that'd be awesome. I just don't know what to do.
My instinct is to keep trying. I can't give up. I can't give up on something I care about so much. Ohemaa told me that I wasn't stupid for not giving up. She said that you have at least a 50% chance of getting hurt in any relationship. And that if I want this, and if he wants this, then why shouldn't we go for it? I just can't shake the ominous feeling. I don't know. I'm not in a good state of mind. I haven't slept well in a long time. It's just that sometimes I feel like he doesn't care. And I know that's not true. I just get the feeling that I'm unimportant and that he acknowledges me when it's convenient for him. I don't know what I want. Maybe I just need a lot of attention. I need to focus on myself right now. I need to make myself better.
That's the first item on my to-do list. Make myself better. I know what's wrong...I just don't know how to fix it. I'm just struggling. A lot. Flailing my arms around.