This entry is called, "stifled." Or, "I want more." Something...
I feel empty. Devoid of all creativity. I feel myself slipping and I don't want to fall... but, I'm feeling so much like its out of my control.
Yesterday was fun. Or, at least, it should have been; but, I kept having this horrible feeling of sadness come over me. When we were waiting for NIN to come on, I got this overwhelming sense of sorrow and I really don't know why. Right now, I'm okay. But I'm okay because I should be okay; not because I really am.
I'm so fucked. I'm invisible because I lack purpose. But, give me purpose and, I'm afraid, I'll just screw it up. What the hell is wrong with me?! I don't want to hide. I want to be honest. But, I'm so scared of the truth.
I feel like all the creativity has been drained from my body. Or, maybe it has never existed there, at all. Maybe its all part of the truth that I'm discovering. I want to write. I remember I used be a writer.
Then, I became a Mom and a girlfriend and a homemaker. And thats so damn easy for me. Cause I love Henry and Brad and keeping these four walls clean is easy. I think Brad and I set a date for the wedding. And, I'm happy cause I want to be his wife. But, I want more than that, too.
I've been feeling like I want to have another baby. Partly cause Henry is the greatest, and partly cause it sounds exciting and fun. But mostly, cause if all I'm gonna be in life is a mom, I might as well make it worth my time. That sounded bad.
But, I mean- I know I'm a good mom. I try so hard. But its seems so simple. Some parts of it suck- but Brad is a great father and we get through it. Its absolutely manageable. My life has never been manageable!! Maybe if I throw in another kid things will be more exciting. More tumultuous.. but I will have doubled the only purpose my life seems to be serving.
No. We're not gonna have another baby. Not for years and years probably. Thats not conceivable right now. Ha. Pun.
I just want more. I can't really work a ton of hours outside the home right now because Henry needs to be my number one priority and the money I'd make probably wouldn't even pay for decent childcare. I want to do more graphic/ web-design but thats hard too cause when Henry's awake he needs my attention.
I interviewed for this really good, purposeful job a couple of months ago. And, they offered me the position. But I didn't return any of there phonecalls. I hid. They called me again, a couple days ago, to offer me another position. I haven't come out of my hiding yet...
Brad is making enough money to support us right now. I don't really need to work but I might need it for other reasons. I'd like to go to school but I feel like the only thing I could handle right now is community college and I feel like that would be settling and I don't want to settle. I want more.
And I don't want to tell you any of that. But, I also don't want to hide. So there it is, the truth.
Yesterday was fun. Or, at least, it should have been; but, I kept having this horrible feeling of sadness come over me. When we were waiting for NIN to come on, I got this overwhelming sense of sorrow and I really don't know why. Right now, I'm okay. But I'm okay because I should be okay; not because I really am.
I'm so fucked. I'm invisible because I lack purpose. But, give me purpose and, I'm afraid, I'll just screw it up. What the hell is wrong with me?! I don't want to hide. I want to be honest. But, I'm so scared of the truth.
I feel like all the creativity has been drained from my body. Or, maybe it has never existed there, at all. Maybe its all part of the truth that I'm discovering. I want to write. I remember I used be a writer.
Then, I became a Mom and a girlfriend and a homemaker. And thats so damn easy for me. Cause I love Henry and Brad and keeping these four walls clean is easy. I think Brad and I set a date for the wedding. And, I'm happy cause I want to be his wife. But, I want more than that, too.
I've been feeling like I want to have another baby. Partly cause Henry is the greatest, and partly cause it sounds exciting and fun. But mostly, cause if all I'm gonna be in life is a mom, I might as well make it worth my time. That sounded bad.
But, I mean- I know I'm a good mom. I try so hard. But its seems so simple. Some parts of it suck- but Brad is a great father and we get through it. Its absolutely manageable. My life has never been manageable!! Maybe if I throw in another kid things will be more exciting. More tumultuous.. but I will have doubled the only purpose my life seems to be serving.
No. We're not gonna have another baby. Not for years and years probably. Thats not conceivable right now. Ha. Pun.
I just want more. I can't really work a ton of hours outside the home right now because Henry needs to be my number one priority and the money I'd make probably wouldn't even pay for decent childcare. I want to do more graphic/ web-design but thats hard too cause when Henry's awake he needs my attention.
I interviewed for this really good, purposeful job a couple of months ago. And, they offered me the position. But I didn't return any of there phonecalls. I hid. They called me again, a couple days ago, to offer me another position. I haven't come out of my hiding yet...
Brad is making enough money to support us right now. I don't really need to work but I might need it for other reasons. I'd like to go to school but I feel like the only thing I could handle right now is community college and I feel like that would be settling and I don't want to settle. I want more.
And I don't want to tell you any of that. But, I also don't want to hide. So there it is, the truth.