Just a little something...
Disclaimer: The following are the musings of a crazy mind.
'nuff said. :)
I have been feeling very... restless of late. It is like grasping in the air at shadows and eidolons that don't exist, yet still feeling the need to do so.
I find myself more and more drawn to the powers of technology. I suppose I figure if there really is no magic in this world, so be it. At least I can believe in technology in this life...
Just yesterday, I went to the airshow - and seeing those planes, hearing the roars follow as the plane slides by, just made me want to be up there with them. My heart was there with them, wishing hard that I could drink in the skies, feel the speed pressing into me, testing the limits of what I can do. I suppose it doesn't take a big reach to say, hey that plane kinda looks like Kyrios from Gundam. Stuff like that makes my mind go crazy. Fictional worlds are dangerous for me. I mean really dangerous. I remember walking out of the theatre of Star Wars: Episode III and wondering where exactly was my lightsaber as I turned the corner. I felt kinda empty handed. ^^ I think I am complacent when realizing that they may not be dragons in this world. That there may not be wizards, or princesses, or princes, or gryphons. (At least in this dimension, or this corner of the mutliverse, or cosmos). I can still be affected by these longings, but, at least when I read a science fiction book and see (and feel, and play) the new touch techs and transparent displays, and all those wonderful things that bring us a little closer to self-sustainable energy and flying cars - I can be a little more happy.
I guess what I'm trying to say is - I really thought I would grow out of the whole imagining these things can be real thing. Part of me was scared to lose that piece of me, but another part of me said it would maybe let me connect with people more easily on a normal level. I mean, I'm sure a lot of people have tried things like attempting to push a pencil off a table - with their mind - but, that impetus ghosted away as soon as they realized it can't happen in the 'real world.' Nope, that did not happen to me, and now I am certain it will not happen. Whatever caused my brain to torture itself with tantalizing glimpses of a future that will never be or a reality that never was, continues to do so. I think the difference now is that I accept it... ^^
It is strange balancing the mix of practical rationality - especially in light of the educational/career path I have chosen - along with the mental chaos that occurs often silently in my head. I walk around with another world tagging along. I talk with people here, with another set of characters waiting a short distance/when away. Actually, a lot of my friends and peers I interact with everyday don't realize the extent of longing I have for things that will never be. I realize my duality of focus is something that could get me into trouble. If I ever go off my rocker, I would be one crazy and delusional person. ^^
So why the divulgence of ideas and thoughts that would normally label one as clinically insane? :P Eh, the reason is not logical either. I had a really strange dream - well, when are dreams not strange? - but, it is kinda what prompted me to show up here. I'll hint that it was adventurous.
So, that's that. ^^
-Lila
'nuff said. :)
I have been feeling very... restless of late. It is like grasping in the air at shadows and eidolons that don't exist, yet still feeling the need to do so.
I find myself more and more drawn to the powers of technology. I suppose I figure if there really is no magic in this world, so be it. At least I can believe in technology in this life...
Just yesterday, I went to the airshow - and seeing those planes, hearing the roars follow as the plane slides by, just made me want to be up there with them. My heart was there with them, wishing hard that I could drink in the skies, feel the speed pressing into me, testing the limits of what I can do. I suppose it doesn't take a big reach to say, hey that plane kinda looks like Kyrios from Gundam. Stuff like that makes my mind go crazy. Fictional worlds are dangerous for me. I mean really dangerous. I remember walking out of the theatre of Star Wars: Episode III and wondering where exactly was my lightsaber as I turned the corner. I felt kinda empty handed. ^^ I think I am complacent when realizing that they may not be dragons in this world. That there may not be wizards, or princesses, or princes, or gryphons. (At least in this dimension, or this corner of the mutliverse, or cosmos). I can still be affected by these longings, but, at least when I read a science fiction book and see (and feel, and play) the new touch techs and transparent displays, and all those wonderful things that bring us a little closer to self-sustainable energy and flying cars - I can be a little more happy.
I guess what I'm trying to say is - I really thought I would grow out of the whole imagining these things can be real thing. Part of me was scared to lose that piece of me, but another part of me said it would maybe let me connect with people more easily on a normal level. I mean, I'm sure a lot of people have tried things like attempting to push a pencil off a table - with their mind - but, that impetus ghosted away as soon as they realized it can't happen in the 'real world.' Nope, that did not happen to me, and now I am certain it will not happen. Whatever caused my brain to torture itself with tantalizing glimpses of a future that will never be or a reality that never was, continues to do so. I think the difference now is that I accept it... ^^
It is strange balancing the mix of practical rationality - especially in light of the educational/career path I have chosen - along with the mental chaos that occurs often silently in my head. I walk around with another world tagging along. I talk with people here, with another set of characters waiting a short distance/when away. Actually, a lot of my friends and peers I interact with everyday don't realize the extent of longing I have for things that will never be. I realize my duality of focus is something that could get me into trouble. If I ever go off my rocker, I would be one crazy and delusional person. ^^
So why the divulgence of ideas and thoughts that would normally label one as clinically insane? :P Eh, the reason is not logical either. I had a really strange dream - well, when are dreams not strange? - but, it is kinda what prompted me to show up here. I'll hint that it was adventurous.
So, that's that. ^^
-Lila