Socks...
I feel like the pair of bland socks you receive on Christmas or your birthday. Useful, but otherwise held with mild interest for as long as is polite before moving on to the gifts you actually want. I know differently, but few people have made any attempts to prove it to me. I don't understand how my life could be so empty that I find myself alone and unwanted so often. I understand that there's a level at which I need to initiate interactions and I do initiate. I understand that everyone has their own lives to live and that they need to make the tough decisions of priorities and that I'm not always going to come out on the top of that list. What I don't understand is how all of it combines to create this anti-Kenny pocket, where I'm just barely on the outside of anyone's attention and any attempts at gaining attention are met with mild interest for as long as is polite before moving on to people they actually care about. Why must I feel like a pair of socks?
Sometimes I wish I could just crumple to the floor and rest right there, yet I find myself unwilling to give up standing. I feel so much pain and emptiness gnawing at my soul, yet I still struggle on. Why? I hope that one day I will be filled. Like an addicted gambler, I use the last dollar I have to feed myself in hopes of winning it big. For the time being, I feel like I'm in a perpetual state of spending that dollar and getting nothing in return but a worthless piece of paper. Where did it all go wrong? At what point did the leak spring from my tank, without my notice, to leave it this empty? Or have I been watching slowly drain out? A participant in my own destruction...
I don't understand this path I'm on. I don't understand why it requires this much pain. What is the end goal? Is it worth the road I'm taking? Is it even possible to get to any other road? And would any of those roads be worth the pain they bring?
I need solace. I need to know that I'm not just a stubborn fool following empty promises and an empty life. I need to know that I didn't sacrifice a good life for an empty one. I need to know that things will get better. I need to see it. I need to feel justified in my hopes. I need to know that people think of me without prompting. I need to feel wanted. I need people to show me that they want me around. I need them to do it without me asking. And I don't think that will ever happen...
Sometimes I wish I could just crumple to the floor and rest right there, yet I find myself unwilling to give up standing. I feel so much pain and emptiness gnawing at my soul, yet I still struggle on. Why? I hope that one day I will be filled. Like an addicted gambler, I use the last dollar I have to feed myself in hopes of winning it big. For the time being, I feel like I'm in a perpetual state of spending that dollar and getting nothing in return but a worthless piece of paper. Where did it all go wrong? At what point did the leak spring from my tank, without my notice, to leave it this empty? Or have I been watching slowly drain out? A participant in my own destruction...
I don't understand this path I'm on. I don't understand why it requires this much pain. What is the end goal? Is it worth the road I'm taking? Is it even possible to get to any other road? And would any of those roads be worth the pain they bring?
I need solace. I need to know that I'm not just a stubborn fool following empty promises and an empty life. I need to know that I didn't sacrifice a good life for an empty one. I need to know that things will get better. I need to see it. I need to feel justified in my hopes. I need to know that people think of me without prompting. I need to feel wanted. I need people to show me that they want me around. I need them to do it without me asking. And I don't think that will ever happen...