Paper Journal 8 - I Hate My Job
Today has been weary. My day began with two separate phone calls before my alarms went off. It's not fun to be awake to hear them go off. Shortly after, Loren knocked on the door because he wanted to continue playing Need for Speed on the XBox 360. I finished getting ready and left a little before noon - usually perfect timing to catch the right buses. I ended up waiting close to the maximum amount of time for each bus and the MAX. Luckily, I plan for such occasion by leaving two hours early. The 72, in particular, was irritating in that it was packed and kept getting wheelchairs. Lunch suck and all the other staple "woe is me" things.
Aside from that, I 'm starting to become overwhelmed in everything. I've so many more things to pay off and not enough money to pay them off with. I'm at the point where I simply no longer like my job. It's been over a year and a half and I'm just tired of it. Also, very heavy on my mind is that I am lonely. It's tearing into me as of late.
I'm afraid I won't ever find who I'm looking for. Worse yet, I'm not certain I'm looking for the right girl. I have this magnificent image of a woman in my mind. She's beautiful in all the ways I mean beautiful, intelligent beyond compare, and has a heart that could melt stone. She has strong moral and ethical convictions, is independent and strong-willed, yet is meek and humble. Oh, and she's my age. In reality... non-existent.
This woman sounds like a dream - and probably is. Yet, I've always been told I shouldn't compromise on matters such as these. "The perfect girl is out there," they tell me. There are a lot of people out there. So many, in fact, that I could meet a new person every day for the rest of my life and still never meet them all. My chances are only further thrown off if I'm not looking for the right person. Once data - like married, already seeing someone, gay, etc. - gets factored in, it's all downhill from there. This is, of course, without thinking about the slew of deal-breakers that weigh into the picture. In the rare and hopeless chance that not everyone has been eliminated, there is probably only "the one" left.
The obvious response would be to say that I shouldn't have my standards up so high, but I'm attracted to those qualities for a reason, aren't I? Just because something is so unattainably perfect, doesn't mean I shouldn't search after it. The next question being why I am not searching. I have many answers to that - among which are many "but, I am... sort of..." answers.
Dilemmas such as this would easily lend themselves in favor of pre-arranged marriages, but such is life. One of the thoughts that keep me going is the realization every choice, path, etc. comes with natural consequences - even if it's the right thing to do. Some consequences are imperceptable until ages gone by, but on the whole there are pros and cons to everything. An arranged marriage will have is fair share of problems, just as my current struggle has its disadvantages. A sudden shift to one of the other might provide a moment of bliss, but the consequences would catch up soon enough, once the novelty has worn off. It basically boils down to the old adage, "the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence." That's more of a paraphrase of the point behind the phrase, though.
This actually brings me back to my job. As I said, I don't like my job anymore. Yet, I don't know if I'll be able to find a better one. I'm going to try looking into a job at Classical Millennium or maybe even Sheet Music Service. I'm concerned that they may not have any openings, enough hours, or enough pay to be able to support me. However, the grass may not be greener, but at least it's in my field.
I'm tired of being in a position that has nothing to do with music. I'm tired of wearing a uniform and questioning whether or not I'm going to survive the bus ride home. I'm tired of sitting in a 6' x 10' pill-shaped box with no privacy or room to stretch. I'm tired of vague and ill-defined policies that I have to enforce and get yelled at when I do. And I am most especially tired of haggling and pleading with employees who barely speak English in order to get a restroom break. I might be pissing my pants, but I won't get a break unless someone is willing to cover me while I'm gone.
Then there's the politics between Budget's employees and us. Then the politics between us and us, which mostly just pisses me off. I'm not going to go into it, but just know that it wearies me. A lot. Schedules that keep shifting, irate customers, policy changes made nearly every day, etc. I'm just plain tired of it.
Sure, it's a good job. It pays well, has the hours I needed while in college, has fairly decent co-workers, is relatively easy to get to on Tri-Met, a good mix of busy and quiet times, etc. I am not saying it's a bad job, nor that I regret getting it. I'm only saying that I am weary of it and I'd like to leave.
Aside from that, I 'm starting to become overwhelmed in everything. I've so many more things to pay off and not enough money to pay them off with. I'm at the point where I simply no longer like my job. It's been over a year and a half and I'm just tired of it. Also, very heavy on my mind is that I am lonely. It's tearing into me as of late.
I'm afraid I won't ever find who I'm looking for. Worse yet, I'm not certain I'm looking for the right girl. I have this magnificent image of a woman in my mind. She's beautiful in all the ways I mean beautiful, intelligent beyond compare, and has a heart that could melt stone. She has strong moral and ethical convictions, is independent and strong-willed, yet is meek and humble. Oh, and she's my age. In reality... non-existent.
This woman sounds like a dream - and probably is. Yet, I've always been told I shouldn't compromise on matters such as these. "The perfect girl is out there," they tell me. There are a lot of people out there. So many, in fact, that I could meet a new person every day for the rest of my life and still never meet them all. My chances are only further thrown off if I'm not looking for the right person. Once data - like married, already seeing someone, gay, etc. - gets factored in, it's all downhill from there. This is, of course, without thinking about the slew of deal-breakers that weigh into the picture. In the rare and hopeless chance that not everyone has been eliminated, there is probably only "the one" left.
The obvious response would be to say that I shouldn't have my standards up so high, but I'm attracted to those qualities for a reason, aren't I? Just because something is so unattainably perfect, doesn't mean I shouldn't search after it. The next question being why I am not searching. I have many answers to that - among which are many "but, I am... sort of..." answers.
Dilemmas such as this would easily lend themselves in favor of pre-arranged marriages, but such is life. One of the thoughts that keep me going is the realization every choice, path, etc. comes with natural consequences - even if it's the right thing to do. Some consequences are imperceptable until ages gone by, but on the whole there are pros and cons to everything. An arranged marriage will have is fair share of problems, just as my current struggle has its disadvantages. A sudden shift to one of the other might provide a moment of bliss, but the consequences would catch up soon enough, once the novelty has worn off. It basically boils down to the old adage, "the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence." That's more of a paraphrase of the point behind the phrase, though.
This actually brings me back to my job. As I said, I don't like my job anymore. Yet, I don't know if I'll be able to find a better one. I'm going to try looking into a job at Classical Millennium or maybe even Sheet Music Service. I'm concerned that they may not have any openings, enough hours, or enough pay to be able to support me. However, the grass may not be greener, but at least it's in my field.
I'm tired of being in a position that has nothing to do with music. I'm tired of wearing a uniform and questioning whether or not I'm going to survive the bus ride home. I'm tired of sitting in a 6' x 10' pill-shaped box with no privacy or room to stretch. I'm tired of vague and ill-defined policies that I have to enforce and get yelled at when I do. And I am most especially tired of haggling and pleading with employees who barely speak English in order to get a restroom break. I might be pissing my pants, but I won't get a break unless someone is willing to cover me while I'm gone.
Then there's the politics between Budget's employees and us. Then the politics between us and us, which mostly just pisses me off. I'm not going to go into it, but just know that it wearies me. A lot. Schedules that keep shifting, irate customers, policy changes made nearly every day, etc. I'm just plain tired of it.
Sure, it's a good job. It pays well, has the hours I needed while in college, has fairly decent co-workers, is relatively easy to get to on Tri-Met, a good mix of busy and quiet times, etc. I am not saying it's a bad job, nor that I regret getting it. I'm only saying that I am weary of it and I'd like to leave.