(no subject)
I'm bored with myself. not with my life. I mean, look at my life, I'm not allowed to be bored with it. In the past two and a half months, I've visited the Netherlands, France, England, Belgium, Germany, Austria, Switzerland, Italy, and Monaco --multiple cities in each country. In the next three weeks, I'll also have added Czech, Croatia, Hungary, Slovenia. And the Stuttgart Christmas Market. Oh, and learning to ski in the Swiss Alps.
No, I definitely can't claim that my life is boring, because it certainly isn't. Every day some new, incredible thing happens --big or small-- that either changes me or inspires me or motivates me to be a better person or whatever. But I guess it's just that, that my social circle is rather limited by my constant country-hopping and the set number of people at the castle. I love my friends here. I love meeting new people when I travel. But I don't have any drama with people at teh castle (there's certainly drama, don't get me wrong, but I'm not involved with it), and when I travel, I'm not in one place long enough to make anything more than a passing friendship with anyone.
I guess it's just that, looking at high school pictures, everyone there has pretty much stayed the same. But i haven't --in most ways. And I guess I worry that I'm changing too much too quickly that I won't be able to go home. I already had problems with it over the summer in that I really had nobody to hang out with until the end.
There's even frustration with Nadir. I have this fear that the only reason we're really staying together is because there isn't a reason not to. And maybe Nadir is hoping that when I get home, things will instantly jump back to physical. Don't get me wrong, I know he enjoys talking to me. And I know he's not so stupid and shallow that he's only interested in me for what he hopes will eventually be a booty call. I'm not going to do anything until I get home and then we can, as planned, see how both of us feel. Part of me is hoping I get back and we're like, "Know what? We're not really feeling it. Let's just be friends." I guess I'm just not in the mood to have a relationship that is complicated in its essential simplicity --the fact that it won't go anywhere, we aren't in love, we aren't going to get married. I guess I'm feeling like it's a waste of effort to be in a relationship that you aren't planning on taking anywhere. It's like being friends with benefits, but I don't want casual sex . . . so it's basically just being friends. I don't know; we'll see when I get home. There's no point in worrying about it all now. I think I'm just bored; it's hard to keep things exciting when you can't even see each other's faces.
I guess I'm just --yes, I'm going to say it-- missing the social drama that comes from having a steady social life. Really, it's that I miss certain dependable stabilities of life. I'm loving the nomadic life. I just want both, and you can't have both. I'm just sleepy, lol.
So it's just frustrating and depressing. The weight has definitely moved around and I at least look smaller in certain places, but overall I'm still quite solid. At least my self esteem has been pretty high the past couple days, really boosted mostly by David's slip that Sam would have hooked up with me a while ago. I talked it out with Meredith. He's a great guy, but I'm not okay with the drugs, smoking, and over-drinking. That's one thing I'm not willing to compromise on in a relationship, so definitely not the kind of guy I'd want to be hooking up with, but it's still flattering, you know? Especially when I'm bloated and gas-bubbly in my tummy because of the damn Dutch coffee.
Anyways, I'd love to keep writing more, rambling on aimlessly and not really saying what I mean to say at all. But it's after eleven and I have two papers to write before noon tomorrow. Oops. One will be a piece of cake, but the story for creative writing will be a bit more complex. Icky. And I'm super sleepy, so my eyelids are drooping. . . probably due to the classical music, too. I'd like to eat something to take me up, but all I have is soup, rice cakes, and oatmeal. None of which is bad on its own, no, but I don't want FOOD after just talking about the weight issues.
Okay, I'm going to go accomplish something. Shit, I need to do laundry tomorrow, too! And run to the store to get crackers for my roomies and my wine-and-cheese-while-we-pack night tomorrow night. Because we leave for Prague 5:30am Thursday. Yucky yucky but I'm quite excited about seeing Eastern Europe. :)
No, I definitely can't claim that my life is boring, because it certainly isn't. Every day some new, incredible thing happens --big or small-- that either changes me or inspires me or motivates me to be a better person or whatever. But I guess it's just that, that my social circle is rather limited by my constant country-hopping and the set number of people at the castle. I love my friends here. I love meeting new people when I travel. But I don't have any drama with people at teh castle (there's certainly drama, don't get me wrong, but I'm not involved with it), and when I travel, I'm not in one place long enough to make anything more than a passing friendship with anyone.
I guess it's just that, looking at high school pictures, everyone there has pretty much stayed the same. But i haven't --in most ways. And I guess I worry that I'm changing too much too quickly that I won't be able to go home. I already had problems with it over the summer in that I really had nobody to hang out with until the end.
There's even frustration with Nadir. I have this fear that the only reason we're really staying together is because there isn't a reason not to. And maybe Nadir is hoping that when I get home, things will instantly jump back to physical. Don't get me wrong, I know he enjoys talking to me. And I know he's not so stupid and shallow that he's only interested in me for what he hopes will eventually be a booty call. I'm not going to do anything until I get home and then we can, as planned, see how both of us feel. Part of me is hoping I get back and we're like, "Know what? We're not really feeling it. Let's just be friends." I guess I'm just not in the mood to have a relationship that is complicated in its essential simplicity --the fact that it won't go anywhere, we aren't in love, we aren't going to get married. I guess I'm feeling like it's a waste of effort to be in a relationship that you aren't planning on taking anywhere. It's like being friends with benefits, but I don't want casual sex . . . so it's basically just being friends. I don't know; we'll see when I get home. There's no point in worrying about it all now. I think I'm just bored; it's hard to keep things exciting when you can't even see each other's faces.
I guess I'm just --yes, I'm going to say it-- missing the social drama that comes from having a steady social life. Really, it's that I miss certain dependable stabilities of life. I'm loving the nomadic life. I just want both, and you can't have both. I'm just sleepy, lol.
So it's just frustrating and depressing. The weight has definitely moved around and I at least look smaller in certain places, but overall I'm still quite solid. At least my self esteem has been pretty high the past couple days, really boosted mostly by David's slip that Sam would have hooked up with me a while ago. I talked it out with Meredith. He's a great guy, but I'm not okay with the drugs, smoking, and over-drinking. That's one thing I'm not willing to compromise on in a relationship, so definitely not the kind of guy I'd want to be hooking up with, but it's still flattering, you know? Especially when I'm bloated and gas-bubbly in my tummy because of the damn Dutch coffee.
Anyways, I'd love to keep writing more, rambling on aimlessly and not really saying what I mean to say at all. But it's after eleven and I have two papers to write before noon tomorrow. Oops. One will be a piece of cake, but the story for creative writing will be a bit more complex. Icky. And I'm super sleepy, so my eyelids are drooping. . . probably due to the classical music, too. I'd like to eat something to take me up, but all I have is soup, rice cakes, and oatmeal. None of which is bad on its own, no, but I don't want FOOD after just talking about the weight issues.
Okay, I'm going to go accomplish something. Shit, I need to do laundry tomorrow, too! And run to the store to get crackers for my roomies and my wine-and-cheese-while-we-pack night tomorrow night. Because we leave for Prague 5:30am Thursday. Yucky yucky but I'm quite excited about seeing Eastern Europe. :)