(no subject)
So, I did manage to be slightly productive and got my house refinanced. Yay! I now don't have to pay my mortgage in November (cause I already paid it through the closing costs of the loan...you can't lie to me Citibank!) and my payment is just about $300 cheaper than it was. Of course, if I didn't have to deal with my depression I could have done this 2 years ago and had $7,200 more dollars...but I shouldn't dwell.
This actually does come at a good time cause I just lost the best tenant ever. Seriously. Not only did she always pay rent early, but she kept the place in better condition than I keep my house. I think the place is better than when I first rented it to her. :( I'm going to miss her. We don't have any confirmation yet, but I think Jake has found new people.
My kid knows the whole alphabet. That's pretty cool. And today in the car he was telling me 'Stop, red' and 'Green, go' at street lights. He's a smart little guy. He's started doing some more in depth play, telling stories and interacting with things differently. He brought a stuffed animal over to a book and started 'reading' the story to the animal. He has his favorite animal, Ah-ah the monkey, and while he was playing with trains I asked him if Ah-ah was playing too and his response was "No, Ah-ah watch!". He then proceeded to tell Ah-ah to watch every time he would move a train. It was pretty adorable.
I'm trying to take on more work. It's tough though cause I don't really want to and cause Jake's mom is our daycare and I don't want to take advantage. Next week is a really long week for her. I took on extra work and they are taking him overnight on Wednesday cause we are going to BNL in Phoenix. I have to drop him off on Thursday morning at 7:45am anyway, so picking him up at midnight and bringing him back at 8 would just to please me for having him at home. It's hard for me to leave him there overnight though. It's hard for me to not have him in his bed to check on.
I guess that's part of what I'll be bringing up with the psychiatrist next Friday. My crazy imaginings about what could happen to him. Once an idea gets in my head, it's like I have to play it out completely to let it go and I have to check on him. It gets pretty detailed like do I call 911 for a bleeding head or put a towel to it and throw him in the car to the hospital that's a mile away...I play out lots of possibilities; like if Jake is there to help me or not, how long will it take for me to put him in the car seat vs just setting him on the seat and taking the chance, do I have the emergency room number in my phone so I can call and let them know we are coming, do I just leave the car by the front door of the hospital or give him to staff and park it?? Stupid shit. I know it's too much. There was a point when he was a baby when I was figuring the best routes to get to the car in case of dinosaur (Jurassic Park style door opening ones) or zombie attack on our house. I mean, how do you keep a screeching baby quiet so the zombies don't find you? How did we survive in caves with mountain lions as predators with screaming babies? I used to think it would be sort of interesting if we had like a society breakdown or zombie apocalypse, but now it terrifies me. I have no real way to protect him.
Jake and I have this bedtime routine of checking on the baby before we go to bed. He follows me in and jokes about poking the baby's head. The other night I went into the bathroom to turn on the light so I could see in the baby's room. Jake walked by the bathroom and said, "he's not in there." Jake meant the bathroom, but my gut clenched up
and I was starting to freak out. Logically, I knew that Jake wouldn't say such a thing so calmly, but that wasn't totally getting through to my emotions. I, in a massive bit of self control, said, "that's not even close to funny". Jake immediately apologized since he realized that I didn't quite catch that he meant that the baby was not in the bathroom. He stopped me and hugged me and I almost burst into tears, but the only thing I could think of was getting into that room and making sure the baby was there. Poor Jake probably thought I was pissed beyond belief at him, but I wasn't. Even while it was happening I was pretty aware of how crazy I was being. I just couldn't control the fear. It was very similar to my needle phobia...part of me is thinking rationally and just feeling so embarrassed, but that part doesn't win.
Ok, well, it's time for me to check on him again. Make sure he hasn't disappeared from his room. I guess it's good to get some of this out in a journal again.
This actually does come at a good time cause I just lost the best tenant ever. Seriously. Not only did she always pay rent early, but she kept the place in better condition than I keep my house. I think the place is better than when I first rented it to her. :( I'm going to miss her. We don't have any confirmation yet, but I think Jake has found new people.
My kid knows the whole alphabet. That's pretty cool. And today in the car he was telling me 'Stop, red' and 'Green, go' at street lights. He's a smart little guy. He's started doing some more in depth play, telling stories and interacting with things differently. He brought a stuffed animal over to a book and started 'reading' the story to the animal. He has his favorite animal, Ah-ah the monkey, and while he was playing with trains I asked him if Ah-ah was playing too and his response was "No, Ah-ah watch!". He then proceeded to tell Ah-ah to watch every time he would move a train. It was pretty adorable.
I'm trying to take on more work. It's tough though cause I don't really want to and cause Jake's mom is our daycare and I don't want to take advantage. Next week is a really long week for her. I took on extra work and they are taking him overnight on Wednesday cause we are going to BNL in Phoenix. I have to drop him off on Thursday morning at 7:45am anyway, so picking him up at midnight and bringing him back at 8 would just to please me for having him at home. It's hard for me to leave him there overnight though. It's hard for me to not have him in his bed to check on.
I guess that's part of what I'll be bringing up with the psychiatrist next Friday. My crazy imaginings about what could happen to him. Once an idea gets in my head, it's like I have to play it out completely to let it go and I have to check on him. It gets pretty detailed like do I call 911 for a bleeding head or put a towel to it and throw him in the car to the hospital that's a mile away...I play out lots of possibilities; like if Jake is there to help me or not, how long will it take for me to put him in the car seat vs just setting him on the seat and taking the chance, do I have the emergency room number in my phone so I can call and let them know we are coming, do I just leave the car by the front door of the hospital or give him to staff and park it?? Stupid shit. I know it's too much. There was a point when he was a baby when I was figuring the best routes to get to the car in case of dinosaur (Jurassic Park style door opening ones) or zombie attack on our house. I mean, how do you keep a screeching baby quiet so the zombies don't find you? How did we survive in caves with mountain lions as predators with screaming babies? I used to think it would be sort of interesting if we had like a society breakdown or zombie apocalypse, but now it terrifies me. I have no real way to protect him.
Jake and I have this bedtime routine of checking on the baby before we go to bed. He follows me in and jokes about poking the baby's head. The other night I went into the bathroom to turn on the light so I could see in the baby's room. Jake walked by the bathroom and said, "he's not in there." Jake meant the bathroom, but my gut clenched up
and I was starting to freak out. Logically, I knew that Jake wouldn't say such a thing so calmly, but that wasn't totally getting through to my emotions. I, in a massive bit of self control, said, "that's not even close to funny". Jake immediately apologized since he realized that I didn't quite catch that he meant that the baby was not in the bathroom. He stopped me and hugged me and I almost burst into tears, but the only thing I could think of was getting into that room and making sure the baby was there. Poor Jake probably thought I was pissed beyond belief at him, but I wasn't. Even while it was happening I was pretty aware of how crazy I was being. I just couldn't control the fear. It was very similar to my needle phobia...part of me is thinking rationally and just feeling so embarrassed, but that part doesn't win.
Ok, well, it's time for me to check on him again. Make sure he hasn't disappeared from his room. I guess it's good to get some of this out in a journal again.