Day one of being back on antidepressants.
So this week I did the intake at Terros to get in the system and get myself back on meds. The woman I met with seemed fine at first, but then as I was listing off my history she gets all excited about trying to diagnose me with PTSD from my childhood abuse.
I'm not saying she's wrong, I just don't want to deal with any of that right now. I want to get my depression stabilized so I can be there for Xander. She's wanting me to join a group therapy thing for women about feeling safe or something. I just don't want to listen to a bunch of other women talk about horrible things that have happened to them. It would just depress me further. It rarely affects my life. I have issues with confrontation and it mostly affects my ability to communicate when I'm upset. Luckily only in situations that affect me or I'd have a hell of a time interpreting some days. So like if Jake and I are fighting, I will cry and have a really hard time explaining why I'm upset. Usually, I seem more upset than I actually am. I've actually said, "I'm sorry I'm sobbing right now, I really don't feel this upset".
Anyway, we got all the usual questions out of the way; do you feel like hurting yourself or others? do you hear or see things that aren't there? do you use alcohol or drugs? etc. Then I go out to set an appt for a psych eval and it's not for 3 weeks. Ugh.
They say I can go in for a standby appointment. Friday morning, the baby was making so much noise that I couldn't sleep in anyway so I asked Jake if he minded and went off to try and get in on stand by. I got super lucky and did!
The guy was just ok. He's a nurse practitioner and he's used to dealing with people who are at much lower points in their lives. He made a few comments that made me feel like he has no idea what he doing, but he's going to give me a prescription which is what I need.
I picked up the buproprion and it was for 300mg. That seems like a high dose to me. But I'm going to go ahead and take it for now and then get in to see my usual psychiatrist in Tucson. I have a nice thick file there with him so he'll be able to look back and see what my history on it is. I can't remember the dosages.
Well, took it today. I told Jake my first goal was to feel like doing things again. So he asked me like 3 times today if I was feeling like doing anything yet. It was cute, but the third time I was getting really annoyed by it.
My feelings today have been kind of up and down. I have been irritable. I was emotional when Xander was walking this morning (I KNOW!, OMG He's walking!!), then when Xander got up from his afternoon nap I was moody and short-fused with him. He was really whiny and not in a good mood when he got up and that just triggered me. At the same time though, inside I was feeling absolutely terrible that I was not responding better to him and broken hearted that he was having a rough time (I think he was teething). He bit my leg and I pulled him away from my leg and said 'NO' very sternly to him (it's one of the few things I don't ever let him do without scolding him) and he sat down in front of me and started crying. His face. I'm tearing up a little now remembering it. I started crying with him and I wanted to pick him up and comfort him, but I didn't know if I should or not. Jake came over and picked him up, thankfully.
I've noticed a little extra tension in my jaw and some dry mouth. I remember the dry mouth from before, it ends up being a kind of good thing since I drink more water that way.
So I guess we will see how the next few days go. I'm on an all night job right now, so I will be hopefully spending a lot of tomorrow asleep.
I'm not saying she's wrong, I just don't want to deal with any of that right now. I want to get my depression stabilized so I can be there for Xander. She's wanting me to join a group therapy thing for women about feeling safe or something. I just don't want to listen to a bunch of other women talk about horrible things that have happened to them. It would just depress me further. It rarely affects my life. I have issues with confrontation and it mostly affects my ability to communicate when I'm upset. Luckily only in situations that affect me or I'd have a hell of a time interpreting some days. So like if Jake and I are fighting, I will cry and have a really hard time explaining why I'm upset. Usually, I seem more upset than I actually am. I've actually said, "I'm sorry I'm sobbing right now, I really don't feel this upset".
Anyway, we got all the usual questions out of the way; do you feel like hurting yourself or others? do you hear or see things that aren't there? do you use alcohol or drugs? etc. Then I go out to set an appt for a psych eval and it's not for 3 weeks. Ugh.
They say I can go in for a standby appointment. Friday morning, the baby was making so much noise that I couldn't sleep in anyway so I asked Jake if he minded and went off to try and get in on stand by. I got super lucky and did!
The guy was just ok. He's a nurse practitioner and he's used to dealing with people who are at much lower points in their lives. He made a few comments that made me feel like he has no idea what he doing, but he's going to give me a prescription which is what I need.
I picked up the buproprion and it was for 300mg. That seems like a high dose to me. But I'm going to go ahead and take it for now and then get in to see my usual psychiatrist in Tucson. I have a nice thick file there with him so he'll be able to look back and see what my history on it is. I can't remember the dosages.
Well, took it today. I told Jake my first goal was to feel like doing things again. So he asked me like 3 times today if I was feeling like doing anything yet. It was cute, but the third time I was getting really annoyed by it.
My feelings today have been kind of up and down. I have been irritable. I was emotional when Xander was walking this morning (I KNOW!, OMG He's walking!!), then when Xander got up from his afternoon nap I was moody and short-fused with him. He was really whiny and not in a good mood when he got up and that just triggered me. At the same time though, inside I was feeling absolutely terrible that I was not responding better to him and broken hearted that he was having a rough time (I think he was teething). He bit my leg and I pulled him away from my leg and said 'NO' very sternly to him (it's one of the few things I don't ever let him do without scolding him) and he sat down in front of me and started crying. His face. I'm tearing up a little now remembering it. I started crying with him and I wanted to pick him up and comfort him, but I didn't know if I should or not. Jake came over and picked him up, thankfully.
I've noticed a little extra tension in my jaw and some dry mouth. I remember the dry mouth from before, it ends up being a kind of good thing since I drink more water that way.
So I guess we will see how the next few days go. I'm on an all night job right now, so I will be hopefully spending a lot of tomorrow asleep.