My late B/G angstathon fic...
Sorry for this being so late. It took me forever to write this. I guess I just wasn't feeling that angsty lately. Anyhow hope you like it & sorry for the cross post (posted it at allthejellies, my lj, and ats_btvs_fanfic.)
Written for samantha2074 for the allthejellies 's Angstathon....
Title: Why?
Author: Sweetness
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: None, some mention of Buffy/Angel.
Disclaimer: It all belongs to Joss Whedon and Co.
Distribution: My site (http://fanfiction.angel-buffy.com), if you already have permission, just let me know. Otherwise, ask.
Notes: Written for the allthejellies angstathon for samantha2074. Set during the third season just after Buffy returns home. Giles’s feelings for Buffy, and how they’ve grown to be something more than just a Watcher’s feelings for his Slayer.
Requests: Third Season, Giles with glasses, Buffy gaining a new talent, and another character gets to be the hero.
Feedback: Yes please :)
It was late at night, or perhaps for some it was early morning, Giles never knew if four in the morning was late at night or if it was just early morning. He figured since he hadn’t been to bed at all that it had to be still late at night. He sighed and removed his glasses. He didn’t know why he was still at the library and not at home trying to get some sleep. Perhaps it was because he felt that he had failed Buffy once again. He thought back and remembered the other two times he had failed her. The first time was when she had died at the hands of the Master, it had been a brief death, but she had still died. And if it weren’t for Xander, the Master would have been successful in killing her. The second time had been when he had been kidnapped by Drusilla, and then believed in the illusion that she had presented him. The first thing a Watcher learned was to separate illusion from reality and he had failed at that. And it had lead to Buffy sacrificing the most important thing she had in her life. None of the others knew, but Buffy had sent him a note before she had left town. In the note, she had told him that she had managed to stop Angelus, but at a high cost. She had said briefly that Angel had returned and she had sent him to Hell. Giles couldn’t blame her for running away; if he had been in her shoes he would have done so too. And now he had failed her and her mother. He had spent so many sleepless nights trying to find her, and then he found out she had been in L.A., not that far away from them, and he had failed to find her and bring her home safe. She had briefly told him of what happened and he had been heartbroken to hear that she had almost lost her vitality and her life. She had a nasty scar on her arm where she had been cut when someone had tried to mug her. Being the Slayer, the would be mugger ended up getting more hurt than she had, but for some reason she still had the scar on her arm from it. And while he had spent so many hours following up so many false leads, she had been a few hours away from him. And if he had been a better Watcher, none of this would have happened.
And now she wasn’t even the same girl she had been when he had first seen her. She was lost in the maelstrom of her life as the Slayer, she tried so hard but he knew that he was losing her slowly. It wouldn’t happen right away but he knew that there would come a time when she would shut him out. Whether she intended to or not, her life, as a Slayer would eventually take her past her need of him as her Watcher. It had never happened before, Slayers generally had short lives, but there was something about Buffy that Giles just knew would allow her to survive no matter what. And then again there were her friends, primarily Willow and Xander, he knew that her friends needed her just as much as she needed them. They would do their best to make sure she survived. But would she want someone like him who had failed her time and time again around? Giles knew the truth that she wouldn’t.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Giles woke up to Willow’s gentle nudge; he sat up and blinked a few times. The last thing he remembered was finding a prophecy that wasn’t supposed to occur for another hundred years. As he slowly woke up, Willow started putting the books away.
“What time is it Willow?” Giles asked.
“It’s about seven in the morning.” Willow responded.
“Seven?” Giles exclaimed.
“Yeah, did you find anything useful?”
”Uh, no, not really. Just a prophecy that might be of help to the Council in a hundred years from now.” Giles sighed in disgust.
“Well at least that means it’s not something that Buffy will have to worry about, which is good. Right?”
”I suppose.”
”I got you some coffee.” Willow said as she gestured towards the paper cup from the Espresso Pump.
“Ah, thank you Willow.”
”I figured you needed it, you’ve been researching quite a bit, and we all know research equals late nights.”
”Yes, I am just worried, things have been very quiet.”
”Well now that you’ve said I am sure things will start to pick up.” Willow smiled at him and moved further into the stacks to put more books away.
Giles was never quite sure but he was positive that the redhead knew how he felt about Buffy in general. It wouldn’t surprise him to find out that Willow knew the extent of his feelings for the Slayer; she was after all quite intuitive. She had started coming to the library early in the morning during the summer, while Buffy had been away. She would often bring coffee and some type of pastry for his breakfast. She never said anything; she would merely wake up him up, asked if he found anything, and then put the books away. It was obvious that with the return of Buffy and the start of the school year, Willow still knew that Giles would be spending his nights at the library. He had never quite recovered from finding the body of Jenny Calendar in his bed. That reminder of the brutality of what Angelus truly was, which was why he had gone off and had tried to destroy the master vampire. He sighed in frustration as he put his glass back down on the open books in front of him. Yet another reminder of his failure when it came to Buffy, if he had been a better Watcher, then Angelus would never have been unleashed.
Yet, he had been caught up in the romance, which reminded him of a perverted version of Romeo and Juliet, a vampire and a Slayer. It shouldn’t have mattered to him that Angel had a soul, and that the vampire seemed as if he truly wanted to find redemption, Giles knew that he should have staked Angel from the first. The ensouled vampire had proven a deadly risk to his Slayer, and yet another example of how Giles was incapable of actually caring for his charge. Then there was the little mistake of his falling in love with her. He knew what had happened to Slayers and Watchers before when one had fallen in love with the other. In the past, the Council had done it’s best to break up any Watchers and Slayers when love became part of the equation. It was too much of a risk for either party, so they would be split up. It had lead to many Watchers and Slayers hiding their feelings to prevent that from happening, and it had also lead to many deaths. The Council leaders, for the most part, could never understand that the feelings that a Slayer had for her Watcher almost always made her vulnerable. There were very rare cases of a Watcher and a Slayer who had not bonded. Usually it was because the Slayer had died too soon, or it was because the Watcher was a pompous, arrogant fool. Otherwise, feelings between a Slayer and her Watcher were commonplace, but love was something that the Council felt put the Slayer at risk too much. And Giles loved his Slayer, and it wasn’t the love a father had for his daughter. That love was reserved for Willow, instead the love Giles had for Buffy was the love that she had for Angel, it was a type of love that she would never be able to return. One that he dared not breathe a word about for fear that it would damage their relationship and cause him to fail her once more. But even in silence, it was another failure in his long list of failures. Perhaps his father had been right when he had told Giles that he did not have what it took to be a true Watcher. He had only been chosen to be Buffy’s Watcher because he had already been in Sunnydale, keeping an eye on the Hellmouth, and because of his family’s long reputation with the Council. Otherwise, he was sure someone else would have become her Watcher. He knew that in many ways he was being too harsh on himself, but he couldn’t help it. As far as he was concerned, he had failed the one person in the world that meant everything. Buffy was his love, his life, and she meant everything to him.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Buffy made her way to the library, her classes were over for the day, and now it was time to research and train so that she could become the perfect fighting machine. Sometimes she didn’t know why she had left L.A.; at least there she had had only one fight with the forces of darkness. The rest of her time there, she had been too busy working to survive, and having nightmares of Angel. She never really thought of any of her friends, her mother, or even Giles. When she had first arrived in L.A. she had been obsessed with thoughts of them, but those thoughts had made things too difficult for her. So she had pushed them to the side and done what she had to do. She had relished in the fact that she didn’t have to protect people. Or fight against monsters and creatures that went bump in the night. But the first fight she got into with evil had led her back to Sunnydale. She had almost not gone, but when she saw the look of hope in Lily’s face, she knew she couldn’t stay in L.A., and she just didn’t have the money to go anywhere else besides home. So she had gone home, and she had felt guilty. Buffy knew that her friends and her mother weren’t trying to make her feel guilty but she did. They knew that none of them understood the pain she had gone through when she had run the sword throw Angel’s stomach to close the portal to Hell that Angelus had happened. They couldn’t understand what her life was; the only one who came close to understand was Giles. But he was a Watcher, and that’s what Watchers did, they Watched. Buffy had no idea the devastation that a Slayer’s death normally caused a Watcher. She didn’t know that Kendra’s Watcher was currently drowning his sorrow in alcohol because he was too afraid to slit his wrists open. Nor did she know that if Xander had not been where he was when she had died at the hand of the Master, that Giles would probably have put a bullet in his head. She didn’t know that locked in an antique box in his house, was a loaded gun just for that purpose. All she knew was the weight of the world on her shoulders and she did her best to save the world from one apocalypse after another. She was tired and her time in L.A. had been bliss to her, because for three months she got to be a normal girl again, albeit a runaway. And then she had come back to the reality that was her life.
When Buffy entered the library, Willow looked up from the computer and gave the blonde a weak smile. Ever since Buffy had returned, she had seemed distant from her friends. Willow being Willow, did not want to pester the other girl into returning into their old friendship. She knew that Buffy would heal eventually and things would return to normal. But she couldn’t force them that would only push Buffy further away. So Willow was patient and decided to let Buffy work things out.
Besides Willow, Giles, Xander and Cordy occupied the library. Buffy sighed the last thing that she needed to deal with was Xander and Cordy and their relationship. At least Willow and Oz were always quiet, and they didn’t remind her of what she had had with Angel. For some reason, Xander and Cordy reminded her of herself and Angel, perhaps it was because it always seemed like the two were heading for a break up. Not that Angel and her had been heading towards a break up, but her time in L.A. had given her a lot of time to think and she had come to the realization that they were doomed from the start.
“Buffy, how were your classes today?” Giles asked as he fiddled with his glasses.
“Fine.” Buffy said, wondering just when Giles was going to break his glasses as he was constantly polishing them.
“So how was it to get back to the old grind?” Xander asked cheerfully.
”Pretty much what I had expected.” Buffy said as she shrugged.
”Xander, how inconsiderate! Why don’t you remind her of her time as a runaway?” Cordy asked.
“It’s fine, Cordy, really.”
”But Buffy, you went from being practically one step away from being homeless, to living in the lap of luxury. Mind you it’s not like how my family lives, but I guess after working as hard as you did, it would be really luxurious.”
”Cordelia, why don’t you and Xander get some donuts.” Giles interrupted the brunette’s speech.
”How come you never send Oz and Willow to get donuts? It’s always me and Xander. You know we’re useful to.” Cordy pouted.
“Cordy, a hungry Slayer is a very scary sight, so when Giles tells us to get the donuts, he’s actually giving us a really important job to do.” Xander tried to reason with his girlfriend.
”Whatever.” Cordy said as she picked up her purse and stalked out of the library.
Xander gave a sheepish grin to the group before he turned and ran out of the library. The remaining three sighed a sigh of relief. Cordelia had proven very useful to the group in more ways than one, but there was still something about her that set people’s nerves on edge.
”Are you sure, she’s not a demon, Willow?” Buffy asked.
“Yeah, if she was, it probably would have explained a lot.” Willow said before returning to her research.
“Are you ready to train, Buffy?”
“Well I actually have a favour to ask.” Buffy said to her Watcher.
”Yes, and what’s that?”
“Well my dad wants me to go up to LA this weekend for some fancy party he’s having.”
”Yes.” Giles said.
“Well he kinda expects me to know how to dance. And I don’t think he means how I dance at the Bronze. And I was kinda wondering if you could maybe show me how to dance or something.”
”Is your mother okay with you leaving home so soon after you just got back?” Giles asked, trying to stall for time.
“Well dad didn’t give her much of a choice in the matter. He told her that because I had been with her when I ran away, if she didn’t let me go up this weekend, he was going to look into the custody agreement they had.”
”Oh no!” Willow exclaimed.
”It’s nothing Willow, it’s just something my dad does to annoy my mother.”
”But still, you can’t move away.”
”I know, and mom pretty much felt the same way so she agreed. Which is why I am asking you to teach me how to dance, Giles.”
”I guess, I could teach you a few moves.”
”Thanks.”
Giles was able to find an old record player, and some equally old classical records that would be just right to teach Buffy how to dance. He didn’t know if he wanted her in his arms. It would be too much for him; it would create another illusion that he didn’t need. He didn’t need to feel her warmth and feminine softness against his body. But at the same time he couldn’t deny her. Perhaps it was her natural grace as a Slayer, Giles wasn’t sure, but Buffy was a beautiful dancer. She didn’t seem to have many problems picking up the few steps that he showed her. And he felt as if he was in heaven in her arms. He could almost forget that they were Watcher and Slayer, and pretend that they were something else. And in his arms, Buffy could forget her unease at being back in Sunnydale and her grief for losing Angel. She had often wondered how things would have turned out if she had never met Angel, or if she had been like Willow and had developed a crush on her Watcher. He was an attractive man, but she knew that she would never feel anything more for him than admiration and love for him as if he were her father. And in that moment she came to that realization, Giles realized that the same thing about her. His love for her was something that could never be reciprocated. In her heart of hearts, the image of Angel would always be there, and even if she fooled herself into loving someone else, she would never love them like she had loved Angel. And Giles didn’t want to be second best. But he accepted what she was giving him, a moment or two stolen from time, where they could believe that they were someone else and they were together. And so they circled the library floor, while Willow silently watched, she could almost feel the pain coming off of the two of them. And it hurt her, in a simpler world, they would never have met one another, and perhaps that would have been better. If Buffy had never been called, or perhaps if Giles had never been sent to Sunnydale, but Willow knew that certain things were meant to happen. She just wished that she could give the two dancing before her some happiness.
When the newly turned vampire burst into the double doors of the library, it was Willow who reacted the quickest. She jumped up from her seat and threw the stake at the vampire. And for some strange reason unbeknownst to Willow, it actually hit its target. The look of shock on the vampire’s face when it turned into ash and dust was funny to the three occupants.
“You would think that the vampires of Sunnydale knew by now that the high school library is not the best place to be.” Willow said as she turned to face her friends.
“Wills, that was a great shot.”
“It was nothing, it would have been nice to have been able to do that when you were away, but I will take what I can get.”
“And what’s that?” Xander said as Cordy and him walked in the library.
“Willow just managed to throw a stake at a vampire and kill it.” Buffy told them.
”This calls for a celebration.” Xander said.
“I am thinking Bronze.” Cordy said.
”Sure, sounds good to me. Willow?” Buffy asked.
“What about research and training?” Willow asked Giles.
”Go ahead. You all deserve to have a bit of fun.”
The four teenagers left the room and left him in alone. He sometimes thought that the library reminded him of an empty dusty tomb; perhaps it was even his tomb. He didn’t know. But he knew that he had to somehow move on, as radiant as Buffy was. He would never have a chance for her. She might care for him, would do anything to protect him, but she would never love him. For her it would always be Angel, and sadly for Giles it might always be a petite blonde girl who was the Slayer. He didn’t know, but he wasn’t going to live like he had already died.
** END **