Writer's Inadequacy: Redux
For the last couple of weeks, I've had this on/off feeling about writing. Like I feel like I'm not good enough and there's other people who could do it better and even though I LOVE reading and made it a habit, reading some people's stuff just made me feel even sadder. Like wtf! It was plenty horrible.
I thought I figured why I was feeling this and I was able to not feel bad about it by not writing for while. But it made me feel bad. Someone's art inspired me so I wrote some stuff. It was fun and I liked it but I was still feeling... like it wasn't organic enough from me or just all these things.
And then I realized, after reading this post about Asian stereotypes and someone talking and decoding why some of these stereotypes get to be, I understood.
Most people when they feel inadequate about writing it's all about someone told them "no you weren't good enough" or other stuff and people will tell me I write fairly well. I even remember I had to go to one of those tutors for a piece of writing for an assignment and the person was wondering why I even was there because my writing was pretty good. And I don't know if there's anyone who feels similar who wasn't raised in an Asian culture (possibly -- it might be part of the immigrant, people of color narrative of North America) but it stems to this.
Ok, let me give some context. I was trying to explain why I was feeling so bad despite people telling me this is good and great (and seeing those posts made me happy don't get me wrong even though I would see other writers and...yeah I won't go on). And I was telling my friend it's because I feel like I could do better, that I know I am capable of doing more and being more but I wasn't living up to my own expectations. And sure, that's not entirely wrong.
But after that post I mentioned earlier, I realized that's unconsciously ingrained in me because in my culture and growing up, I had to be the best. Doing your hardest isn't good enough. You had to get at least A's. You had to be having perfect attendance UNLESS (because thank God my mom is a nurse and knew health comes first) it was really a sick I NEED to be away from school kind of thing. They wanted me to not do bad things (like involved with bad people or do drugs, that kind of shit) and honestly? I was a pretty good kid. Yeah I had some rebellious things that I did they don't know about but that's not the issue. They wanted me to do well enough with this expectation that I go to college. It's not a "oh you can choose that if you wish" but you are required to if not you aren't doing it right.
And that is hard. And when you're comparing yourself to "the best"? It's like another post I read about people who publish papers/do research and what school you go to and their drop out rates. They showed that the drop out rate from colleges in like an Ivy League school vs a state school or community college was fairly similar and across the board and did a comparison about their SAT scores and also the number of papers they published. And you know what? The numbers were crazy similar. The only thing different is that the SAT entry score requirements. Like if you're still in the lower half of a very prestigious but obviously you need to be intelligent to get in school, you are probably most likely smarter than a good chunk of the world. And you need to know that in perspective.
And I do things at times to snap me out of it. Like using those articles to realize it. Or taking my mind off of it by watching/reading another fandom. Or going out or whatever. But I never realized how "unconscious" how ingrained it's a part of me that I need to be this best or else I am not good enough, certainly not to myself and certainly not to others, or at least that was my mindset.
I am good enough.
How do I know?
When I participate in things like making graphics, I know I have all the same skills and knowledge they have to making these amazing graphics and how to replicate it. There's no "someone's WAY better than me" in my mind it's just "who wants to put more time/effort into it". And that's why I feel better making graphics because I don't feel like I have to be the best because there is no "best". There are beautiful and great graphics but if I felt like putting in the effort, I could achieve that too. And that's such a nice freeing feeling for me.
Yet I go and read fic and that's different. Part of the time it's seeing their feedback. Some of the time it's reading their stuff plus their feedback. And it gets to me because they DO deserve it and I don't resent them for it. They write well and I look and study what they put out and that's all good. I resent the feelings I am having in myself but I realize it is a problem.
But, how do I know I AM good enough if I'm still feeling this way? I mean I have pieces I am proud enough that I have already published out there but at times, not the point.
No, I know I am good is because there's a story I have been working on that every time I look at it, I'm amazed it came out of my brain. It's probably my best work right now. If I ever finish it, I'm sure it could be publishable in a real book if I wished. I've talked to some people about it -- how the plots and characters are developed and shared pieces of it and made people teary/cry just as much as I have.
There's just a magical feeling you get when you read a story so good, it gets you right in the gut. Where everything feels realistic and nuanced yet entertaining and engaging. I've had a few amazing writers I've read I know this to be certain and I know the feeling whenever I read it.
I get that feeling looking over this story. And every addition I add I get similar feelings. I'm sure it's because I'm putting a lot of myself and a lot of truth in it but at the same time I know it's just... It amazes me every time I read and work on it. The fact this story came out of my mind, that I had the power to pen those words, I know it's in me.
Which is why I hate this inadequacy. It's stupid. I know I have the ability to construct good stories. I know I have engaging ideas. My writing style is good though I think I could be better depending on my mindset. When I am properly in the writing zone, it's just good and not forced. And I hate I feel this unconscious need that's stemmed from culture and expectations that I have to chastise myself when I'm not. It hurts, it makes me cry.
It takes a lot for me to cry because I feel. I feel intensely and when I'm crying? Not teary eyed, not somber, but I am going to waste this box of tissues because I am crying it hurts so much? It's a lot. I want to experience fun and joy when I'm writing not "fuck I'm so sad I will cry" even though I'm sure I probably need to.
So writer's inadequacies can come from other places too than just someone telling you you're not good enough. Or that you're doing a comparison of yourself versus others. It can come from some crushing expectation that someone expected you to be the best. Yeah, I don't expect perfection (because I am not a perfectionist) but feeling like you can measure up even when it's obvious to others you can?
That's a hard feeling to shake.
-AY
I thought I figured why I was feeling this and I was able to not feel bad about it by not writing for while. But it made me feel bad. Someone's art inspired me so I wrote some stuff. It was fun and I liked it but I was still feeling... like it wasn't organic enough from me or just all these things.
And then I realized, after reading this post about Asian stereotypes and someone talking and decoding why some of these stereotypes get to be, I understood.
Most people when they feel inadequate about writing it's all about someone told them "no you weren't good enough" or other stuff and people will tell me I write fairly well. I even remember I had to go to one of those tutors for a piece of writing for an assignment and the person was wondering why I even was there because my writing was pretty good. And I don't know if there's anyone who feels similar who wasn't raised in an Asian culture (possibly -- it might be part of the immigrant, people of color narrative of North America) but it stems to this.
Ok, let me give some context. I was trying to explain why I was feeling so bad despite people telling me this is good and great (and seeing those posts made me happy don't get me wrong even though I would see other writers and...yeah I won't go on). And I was telling my friend it's because I feel like I could do better, that I know I am capable of doing more and being more but I wasn't living up to my own expectations. And sure, that's not entirely wrong.
But after that post I mentioned earlier, I realized that's unconsciously ingrained in me because in my culture and growing up, I had to be the best. Doing your hardest isn't good enough. You had to get at least A's. You had to be having perfect attendance UNLESS (because thank God my mom is a nurse and knew health comes first) it was really a sick I NEED to be away from school kind of thing. They wanted me to not do bad things (like involved with bad people or do drugs, that kind of shit) and honestly? I was a pretty good kid. Yeah I had some rebellious things that I did they don't know about but that's not the issue. They wanted me to do well enough with this expectation that I go to college. It's not a "oh you can choose that if you wish" but you are required to if not you aren't doing it right.
And that is hard. And when you're comparing yourself to "the best"? It's like another post I read about people who publish papers/do research and what school you go to and their drop out rates. They showed that the drop out rate from colleges in like an Ivy League school vs a state school or community college was fairly similar and across the board and did a comparison about their SAT scores and also the number of papers they published. And you know what? The numbers were crazy similar. The only thing different is that the SAT entry score requirements. Like if you're still in the lower half of a very prestigious but obviously you need to be intelligent to get in school, you are probably most likely smarter than a good chunk of the world. And you need to know that in perspective.
And I do things at times to snap me out of it. Like using those articles to realize it. Or taking my mind off of it by watching/reading another fandom. Or going out or whatever. But I never realized how "unconscious" how ingrained it's a part of me that I need to be this best or else I am not good enough, certainly not to myself and certainly not to others, or at least that was my mindset.
I am good enough.
How do I know?
When I participate in things like making graphics, I know I have all the same skills and knowledge they have to making these amazing graphics and how to replicate it. There's no "someone's WAY better than me" in my mind it's just "who wants to put more time/effort into it". And that's why I feel better making graphics because I don't feel like I have to be the best because there is no "best". There are beautiful and great graphics but if I felt like putting in the effort, I could achieve that too. And that's such a nice freeing feeling for me.
Yet I go and read fic and that's different. Part of the time it's seeing their feedback. Some of the time it's reading their stuff plus their feedback. And it gets to me because they DO deserve it and I don't resent them for it. They write well and I look and study what they put out and that's all good. I resent the feelings I am having in myself but I realize it is a problem.
But, how do I know I AM good enough if I'm still feeling this way? I mean I have pieces I am proud enough that I have already published out there but at times, not the point.
No, I know I am good is because there's a story I have been working on that every time I look at it, I'm amazed it came out of my brain. It's probably my best work right now. If I ever finish it, I'm sure it could be publishable in a real book if I wished. I've talked to some people about it -- how the plots and characters are developed and shared pieces of it and made people teary/cry just as much as I have.
There's just a magical feeling you get when you read a story so good, it gets you right in the gut. Where everything feels realistic and nuanced yet entertaining and engaging. I've had a few amazing writers I've read I know this to be certain and I know the feeling whenever I read it.
I get that feeling looking over this story. And every addition I add I get similar feelings. I'm sure it's because I'm putting a lot of myself and a lot of truth in it but at the same time I know it's just... It amazes me every time I read and work on it. The fact this story came out of my mind, that I had the power to pen those words, I know it's in me.
Which is why I hate this inadequacy. It's stupid. I know I have the ability to construct good stories. I know I have engaging ideas. My writing style is good though I think I could be better depending on my mindset. When I am properly in the writing zone, it's just good and not forced. And I hate I feel this unconscious need that's stemmed from culture and expectations that I have to chastise myself when I'm not. It hurts, it makes me cry.
It takes a lot for me to cry because I feel. I feel intensely and when I'm crying? Not teary eyed, not somber, but I am going to waste this box of tissues because I am crying it hurts so much? It's a lot. I want to experience fun and joy when I'm writing not "fuck I'm so sad I will cry" even though I'm sure I probably need to.
So writer's inadequacies can come from other places too than just someone telling you you're not good enough. Or that you're doing a comparison of yourself versus others. It can come from some crushing expectation that someone expected you to be the best. Yeah, I don't expect perfection (because I am not a perfectionist) but feeling like you can measure up even when it's obvious to others you can?
That's a hard feeling to shake.
-AY