To All Things... An Ending?
Last night I visited Abbie at her house, I needed to talk to her and she hadn't responded to the very few times I called her and left a message on her phone. Justifiably she was avoiding me, but her sister and brother in law like me so if she was home and I said I needed to talk to her I knew they would let me in.
I walked up the stairs to her room, she was in the bathroom. As I looked around her room I noticed the empty photo frames that used to have pictures of us in them. I wondered what she did with the pictures.
My heart raced, she was in the bathroom a long time. My stomach began to swell up into my throat. What if she just sprays venom at everything I say? Too late for second guessing. Much too late for that.
She came out of the bathroom and looked out into the hallway. Completely missing me. "Hello Abbie" I said startling her.
After an awkward segue. I finally throw myself into it without a preamble.
"I'm sorry things got this bad." I told her. "I care about you too much, and it was hurting me too much, to pretend that it wasn't hurting me at all.".
"I know I can't talk you out of this, this is something you want to do, regardless of what I or anyone else says. I understand that. I just..."
"I just don't want that night to be the last thing we remember of one another.". "I love you, and I care about you..."
"But if things go according to how you want them too. I never plan on seeing you again in person."
My heart sank. My whole world sank. Abbie, looking away the entire time says nothing. The pain in her eyes was evident, but it's that helpless looking pain. Whether it was because she felt she couldn't do nothing or just didn't want to. I don't know.
"I wanted to keep you as a friend" Her voice choking to get the words out. A Charles Colton quote came to mind, but I simply told her I loved her too much just to be her friend.
I put myself on a schedule so I wouldn't outlast my welcome. I held her. Told her how much I cared about her in various different ways. Told her to hold onto my house keys as I always wanted her to feel welcomed back into my life. Symbolically, and I'm sorry for sounding like a hopeless romantic. It's because she still had the key to my heart.
We wished each other luck in life's endeavors, I wanted to cry, but couldn't muster the tears. She cried. It made me feel like she cared. But I always felt action was a strong predicator of your feelings and as we stood in her room holding each other she eeked out a few "You'll be fine." Somewhere in-between it all. It had the feeling of "You're right Andy, I'm never seeing you again. And this makes things easier for me. So long". It made me feel like a quitter, but I walked down the road all those thoughts led to, and that's why I'm here.
No, I already did all I could do, say all I could say. As far as everyone with an opinion is concerned. I could do no more to "fix us" than I could stop the sun from setting. The only thing now was to let her go and hope all works out for the best.
So I held her one last time, wiped the tears from her face and told her that no matter what happens, there's someone out who'll always care for her, and that if she ever wants me to be there for her, I would.
I kissed her on the cheek, told her I loved her, and said good bye. I walked out of the house and down her car porch. Three quarters of the way down, before I turned the corner to my car and couldn't see her front door anymore; I turn back one last time, I don't know why I just did.
There she was, by the door watching me leave. I wanted to go back to her and kiss her romantically. The both of us rediscovering that spark that fueled us for the last year and eight months. The kind of moment you would read in a cheesy romance novel, the kind of moment you watch in a romantic drama and scoff at because it's so unlike real life.
That's what I wanted.
Instead, I waved one last time and turned toward my car.
I wonder what she was thinking.
I walked up the stairs to her room, she was in the bathroom. As I looked around her room I noticed the empty photo frames that used to have pictures of us in them. I wondered what she did with the pictures.
My heart raced, she was in the bathroom a long time. My stomach began to swell up into my throat. What if she just sprays venom at everything I say? Too late for second guessing. Much too late for that.
She came out of the bathroom and looked out into the hallway. Completely missing me. "Hello Abbie" I said startling her.
After an awkward segue. I finally throw myself into it without a preamble.
"I'm sorry things got this bad." I told her. "I care about you too much, and it was hurting me too much, to pretend that it wasn't hurting me at all.".
"I know I can't talk you out of this, this is something you want to do, regardless of what I or anyone else says. I understand that. I just..."
"I just don't want that night to be the last thing we remember of one another.". "I love you, and I care about you..."
"But if things go according to how you want them too. I never plan on seeing you again in person."
My heart sank. My whole world sank. Abbie, looking away the entire time says nothing. The pain in her eyes was evident, but it's that helpless looking pain. Whether it was because she felt she couldn't do nothing or just didn't want to. I don't know.
"I wanted to keep you as a friend" Her voice choking to get the words out. A Charles Colton quote came to mind, but I simply told her I loved her too much just to be her friend.
I put myself on a schedule so I wouldn't outlast my welcome. I held her. Told her how much I cared about her in various different ways. Told her to hold onto my house keys as I always wanted her to feel welcomed back into my life. Symbolically, and I'm sorry for sounding like a hopeless romantic. It's because she still had the key to my heart.
We wished each other luck in life's endeavors, I wanted to cry, but couldn't muster the tears. She cried. It made me feel like she cared. But I always felt action was a strong predicator of your feelings and as we stood in her room holding each other she eeked out a few "You'll be fine." Somewhere in-between it all. It had the feeling of "You're right Andy, I'm never seeing you again. And this makes things easier for me. So long". It made me feel like a quitter, but I walked down the road all those thoughts led to, and that's why I'm here.
No, I already did all I could do, say all I could say. As far as everyone with an opinion is concerned. I could do no more to "fix us" than I could stop the sun from setting. The only thing now was to let her go and hope all works out for the best.
So I held her one last time, wiped the tears from her face and told her that no matter what happens, there's someone out who'll always care for her, and that if she ever wants me to be there for her, I would.
I kissed her on the cheek, told her I loved her, and said good bye. I walked out of the house and down her car porch. Three quarters of the way down, before I turned the corner to my car and couldn't see her front door anymore; I turn back one last time, I don't know why I just did.
There she was, by the door watching me leave. I wanted to go back to her and kiss her romantically. The both of us rediscovering that spark that fueled us for the last year and eight months. The kind of moment you would read in a cheesy romance novel, the kind of moment you watch in a romantic drama and scoff at because it's so unlike real life.
That's what I wanted.
Instead, I waved one last time and turned toward my car.
I wonder what she was thinking.