(no subject)
I am trying so hard right now to convince myself that coffee tonight is to test out the friendship water. That nothing big is going to come of it and that all it means is we will be friendly to each other. But thats not what i want I want to be in a relationship. Sometimes I need to learn things the hard way. I need for us to figure out if this is going to work or not on our own time not on an irrational decison based on what might happen in the future. I cant make college go away and i cant make boston and burlington any closer to each other I just dont have those powers. But 8 months from now maybe our relationship will have fizzled away anyway, maybe our feelings are completly gone adn we will be great friends. Or maybe the long distance thing will work and maybe it wont but I need to figure that out. Assuming it wont work gives me no closure. Closure is an important thing and I am going to be so hung up on this until I get it. I wish we could just start again and slow things down, I wish we could have started this a year ago. Im afraid to hope for the best because I will just get hurt when it doesnt happen. He sounded so sure of his decision and I dont know if he could just make his problems completly dissapear in the 5 days we havent been together. I feel like the titanic is sinking in my stomache right now. Its felt like that all day but its worse now. It knows how uncertain this is but it also knows how unlikely going backt o way things were is going to be. As hard as im trying I know im not completly convinced not even a little. Im going to get hurt more and I dont know waht to do after that happens because by agreeing to tonight i pretty much put myself in this position. ack Im leaving in an hour I hope something I can accept comes out of this even if its not exactly what i want it just needs to be acceptable, thats all im asking. I hate the winter. I need sun and blue skyies and summer needs to be here so badly. School is a drag.