The Butch Factor, or: To Nie Ja
For the second time in a month's time, I was told by people who I met in person: "I thought you'd ... you know, be butcher."
Concepts of masculinity are quite the topic for me, certainly. I have no delusions of being "butch", or "straight acting," or any of this crap. At the same time, I'm also not "holy hell he could set the room on fire" flaming. I've come to accept -- and become comfortable with the fact -- that I'm in that middle ground, though it wasn't that way. I remember getting into heated arguments with friends of mine who I WOULD consider "masculine," stating how much I hated being so obvious and so feminine. I'm amazed said friends still speak to me after having to endure the whininess and the victim mentality of an 18 year old me, dealing with being what I labeled at the time "so obviously a fag!!"
It took a good deal of time to realize that it takes a lot of strength to deal with what you're given and to be comfortable in your skin, and I would actually be irked by guys who WERE comfortable being what others would label "effeminate" or even drag queens, and I'm almost certain that this was because THEY had that comfort and that strength to be themselves no matter WHAT -- and I lacked that, and KNEW that I lacked that.
It's been fourteen years now, and I've changed, grown, and have become more "me", and have come to accept and enjoy who "me" is ... which brings us back to the quote above. I guess I'm a little confused as to how someone is thinking that I'd be more "masculine." It's not that I take it an insult, but rather I'm more concerned that I'm somehow misleading someone, or giving the wrong idea. Because, yeah, it might have taken a decade, but I can finally proudly say that butch? That's not me.
Concepts of masculinity are quite the topic for me, certainly. I have no delusions of being "butch", or "straight acting," or any of this crap. At the same time, I'm also not "holy hell he could set the room on fire" flaming. I've come to accept -- and become comfortable with the fact -- that I'm in that middle ground, though it wasn't that way. I remember getting into heated arguments with friends of mine who I WOULD consider "masculine," stating how much I hated being so obvious and so feminine. I'm amazed said friends still speak to me after having to endure the whininess and the victim mentality of an 18 year old me, dealing with being what I labeled at the time "so obviously a fag!!"
It took a good deal of time to realize that it takes a lot of strength to deal with what you're given and to be comfortable in your skin, and I would actually be irked by guys who WERE comfortable being what others would label "effeminate" or even drag queens, and I'm almost certain that this was because THEY had that comfort and that strength to be themselves no matter WHAT -- and I lacked that, and KNEW that I lacked that.
It's been fourteen years now, and I've changed, grown, and have become more "me", and have come to accept and enjoy who "me" is ... which brings us back to the quote above. I guess I'm a little confused as to how someone is thinking that I'd be more "masculine." It's not that I take it an insult, but rather I'm more concerned that I'm somehow misleading someone, or giving the wrong idea. Because, yeah, it might have taken a decade, but I can finally proudly say that butch? That's not me.