(no subject)
When I wake up in the morning, I hate opening my eyes right away. I have to convince myself, that when I do finally open them...What I see will have been worth the struggle..
Finally, I have myself convinced. I've convince myself, only to realize, I lied. It wasn't worth it...Then I feel like not only is everyone letting me down, but I let myself down.
I can't understand why I act the way I do. I try SO hard to fit in, even if it's obvious, or not so obvious..I really do. I want to be liked by the right people. People who deserve to like me. But on the other hand, I want to be hated by the people that should hate me.
If I really did do something wrong, then I don't expect people to forgive me. And if they do, I don't want them to forget what happend. theres a fine line between learning from your mistakes through emotional and mental punishment vs beating yourself up physically, bending over backwards, trying to right your wrongs, when really...it was inevitable. Meant to happen. impossible to avoid. Sometimes people make huge mistakes. They knock people down like a fucking dominoes game...But, it's okay. It happens.
I wish I could just jump into peoples mind, as soon as I have a question I know I can never get a real answer to BAM i'm in...
" what are you thinking about? " I ask him, over...and over..and over...Nothing. I never get a response, and when I do...For some sad, lack of trust reason...I don't believe it's what he's really thinking. When people ask me what I'm thinking, I know I never say whats really on my mind. SURPISING since i'm usually so damn mean and honest...But with him, I just wish he would be mean and honest sometimes. For once. Honesty.
I want love and happiness. Whatever those two things are. I think theres a lot of materialistic things that we think are signs of love. Marrige, for one. Do I need all of that to bind my love? I know how I feel without a commitment under god or the goverment. Don't get me wrong, that white dress( or off white.... ) can be very appealing for a few hours.
What is wrong with me? I saw her today, and it killed me. She kissed my lips, and I tasted nicotine. That taste, is what lies taste like. She lied to everyones face who asked her. But me...How can she lie to ME. I'm the oldest, and most understanding daughter she has. I want her to talk to me, and listen to me and tell me the truth, and let me tell her the truth. The truth being...YOU REALLY FUCKING HURT ME. Did you ever love me? Not materialistic love, Because trust me, I know you didn't even provide much of that.
I'm not sure why I forget to breath sometimes. It's like I'm so caught up in my spiderweb of thoughts, that I forget the most important thing. I'm alive. I'm alive, and regardless of if I see it, or feel it...People love me. And those people are the only things I need to remember to breath.
Finally, I have myself convinced. I've convince myself, only to realize, I lied. It wasn't worth it...Then I feel like not only is everyone letting me down, but I let myself down.
I can't understand why I act the way I do. I try SO hard to fit in, even if it's obvious, or not so obvious..I really do. I want to be liked by the right people. People who deserve to like me. But on the other hand, I want to be hated by the people that should hate me.
If I really did do something wrong, then I don't expect people to forgive me. And if they do, I don't want them to forget what happend. theres a fine line between learning from your mistakes through emotional and mental punishment vs beating yourself up physically, bending over backwards, trying to right your wrongs, when really...it was inevitable. Meant to happen. impossible to avoid. Sometimes people make huge mistakes. They knock people down like a fucking dominoes game...But, it's okay. It happens.
I wish I could just jump into peoples mind, as soon as I have a question I know I can never get a real answer to BAM i'm in...
" what are you thinking about? " I ask him, over...and over..and over...Nothing. I never get a response, and when I do...For some sad, lack of trust reason...I don't believe it's what he's really thinking. When people ask me what I'm thinking, I know I never say whats really on my mind. SURPISING since i'm usually so damn mean and honest...But with him, I just wish he would be mean and honest sometimes. For once. Honesty.
I want love and happiness. Whatever those two things are. I think theres a lot of materialistic things that we think are signs of love. Marrige, for one. Do I need all of that to bind my love? I know how I feel without a commitment under god or the goverment. Don't get me wrong, that white dress( or off white.... ) can be very appealing for a few hours.
What is wrong with me? I saw her today, and it killed me. She kissed my lips, and I tasted nicotine. That taste, is what lies taste like. She lied to everyones face who asked her. But me...How can she lie to ME. I'm the oldest, and most understanding daughter she has. I want her to talk to me, and listen to me and tell me the truth, and let me tell her the truth. The truth being...YOU REALLY FUCKING HURT ME. Did you ever love me? Not materialistic love, Because trust me, I know you didn't even provide much of that.
I'm not sure why I forget to breath sometimes. It's like I'm so caught up in my spiderweb of thoughts, that I forget the most important thing. I'm alive. I'm alive, and regardless of if I see it, or feel it...People love me. And those people are the only things I need to remember to breath.