I Just Feel Free And A Little Bit Empty
I'm sitting in my room, listening to music, looking at my shelf and I'm thinking "This is it".
Because this is it.
And it is almost over.
This is easy.
So easy.
I think about my friends and about music and about the fact that, although I am 17 and 3/4 years old my parents won't let me dye my hair because it's unnatural, and I wonder what my parents bought me for Christmas.
I hope it's not alot, I hate it when people spend money on me. I need a job, a real job so I can buy a guitar and get a car maybe, or a microwave for college, or, so I can go to college, or even money for the processeing fee so I can apply for college.
Am I even going to college? Should I stay here?
If it seems easy it's not right. If it's right, it will be hard. The choice that is the hardest will be right...?
That doesn't seem right!
But I want to make an easy choice and do what's easy because that would be so easy. I want to be challenged, though, and do something hard. Make a choice that's really hard to make. I want my life to be different than it is right now, I want all of the problems I have now to be replaced by new problems that make me a better person, I don't want problems that make me cry and make me weak and sad and angry. I want to be normal and be sad about boys and clothes and parents and my fingernail length. Maybe not that.
I really love music. So much I can't even talk about it. I would really like to play music for the rest of my life with a group of people who agree with each other. No one agrees with each other. War is everywhere. There is a war in my bedroom. In my head. I want to do 100 different things and I can't. I am fighting with myself. Ok. I am going to do everything, one or two things at a time, and not worry about anything. Not the future. I will do what I want to do. Not what I want to do actually, but what seems right at the moment, and I will change my plans alot, and not worry about money or people and I definitley will not worry about going there alone. Or anywhere alone because I won't be alone in the end. If I leave I am going to be very alone and I debate whether I like the idea or not. I am ready to meet someone who is exactly like me. I want to meet someone who hates to lie and hates apathy and loves to love and sit and think. I want to help people every siongle day of my life. I am going to move far away. I am going to move to Ireland. Tomorrow afternoon at 3:13 p.m.
So while I am thinking about this the smoke alarm goes off. It irritates me the slightest bit. I feel ridiculous. I shlould not get mad at the smoke alram. It is doing it's job. But I guess, sometimes, when you are doing the right thing, you can infringe on the happiness of another person.
Because this is it.
And it is almost over.
This is easy.
So easy.
I think about my friends and about music and about the fact that, although I am 17 and 3/4 years old my parents won't let me dye my hair because it's unnatural, and I wonder what my parents bought me for Christmas.
I hope it's not alot, I hate it when people spend money on me. I need a job, a real job so I can buy a guitar and get a car maybe, or a microwave for college, or, so I can go to college, or even money for the processeing fee so I can apply for college.
Am I even going to college? Should I stay here?
If it seems easy it's not right. If it's right, it will be hard. The choice that is the hardest will be right...?
That doesn't seem right!
But I want to make an easy choice and do what's easy because that would be so easy. I want to be challenged, though, and do something hard. Make a choice that's really hard to make. I want my life to be different than it is right now, I want all of the problems I have now to be replaced by new problems that make me a better person, I don't want problems that make me cry and make me weak and sad and angry. I want to be normal and be sad about boys and clothes and parents and my fingernail length. Maybe not that.
I really love music. So much I can't even talk about it. I would really like to play music for the rest of my life with a group of people who agree with each other. No one agrees with each other. War is everywhere. There is a war in my bedroom. In my head. I want to do 100 different things and I can't. I am fighting with myself. Ok. I am going to do everything, one or two things at a time, and not worry about anything. Not the future. I will do what I want to do. Not what I want to do actually, but what seems right at the moment, and I will change my plans alot, and not worry about money or people and I definitley will not worry about going there alone. Or anywhere alone because I won't be alone in the end. If I leave I am going to be very alone and I debate whether I like the idea or not. I am ready to meet someone who is exactly like me. I want to meet someone who hates to lie and hates apathy and loves to love and sit and think. I want to help people every siongle day of my life. I am going to move far away. I am going to move to Ireland. Tomorrow afternoon at 3:13 p.m.
So while I am thinking about this the smoke alarm goes off. It irritates me the slightest bit. I feel ridiculous. I shlould not get mad at the smoke alram. It is doing it's job. But I guess, sometimes, when you are doing the right thing, you can infringe on the happiness of another person.