the past couple of whatevers
Well, I haven't updated in a while because believe it or not, I try to avoid splashing my emotions all over the place when I suspect I'm just "in a bad mood". I haven't called my friend Hilary (studied abroad with me in Rennes) for basically the same reason...because I was always waiting until I felt like I had time and like I could call and not have to either fake "I'm doing well" or dump all my problems on someone I just need ta "catch up" with, after months and months. It's been too long, and that opportunity doesn't seem to have appeared. If it's just a mood, I've been in this mood for a looong ass time, and what is it then? I'm giving up and posting now.
The beginning of the semester was ok. I started feeling like passive aggressive sentiments with my roommate were reaching maximum capacity and a showdown was imminent, but I let off some steam in needed ways. One, I chilled with a sausage fest of "typical straight dudes" again (I have noticeably missed out on testosterone living with chicks) by drinking with my old roommate at his place. That was good but my updated look into straight dude world led me to the conclusion that many are still boring. Two, I started hangin out with a freshman chick who I like to describe as "doesn't give a fuck". I'm not exactly sure how to explain that characterization, but if you interpreted it negatively in any way, you are part of the problem. You can still not give a fuck and simultaneously give a fuck, in fact you can even give a fuckton of it. I think I just need to be around people who don't get so caught up in life they feel like they have to play by it's tiny lil rules and regulations. Otherwise I end up feeling like no one ever pushes me and like I'm slowly contracting social claustrophobia because of everything that's Bad or Wrong or Not Good. I don't know why, but I just don't like that.
Which brings me to something I've been thinking all year: I'm really not a fan of feeling like I live in two places at once. My life has felt bipolar. Too bad, given I want to specialize in foreign studies, but that's a whole nother issue. Having a boyfriend in the cities and diploma in the country isn't easy. You have to stretch to reach both, you can only use one hand to hold onto each, your arms get tired. I probably visited him too often, but I was always scared of what would happen if I didn't, and the fact I really wanted to and not be here didn't exactly help me mentally put my foot down and get ahold of myself. I've also become pretty resentful towards GAC. After four years, I don't think anyone can criticize me if I say I'm tired of people here being lame. I don't mean to bash this place, it's given me a good opportunity, but that came with the price of living in Saint Peter and amongst Gusties. Who could, on the whole, be likened to a bunch of kids from small towns playing at a giant mansion in Edina. People from Minneapolis are a world apart. People from freaking Saint Louis Park are a world apart!!! What the F@#%^!!! You can just feel it. And at least to me, it feels like lame. There are a lot of positive attributes to GAC. It tries, I like that, it's gorgeous, I like that, people are pretty conscientious, I like that. But for some reason, I will be leaving feeling that all those things are eclipsed by those which make me feel bitter. Everyone leaves, the gay community here sunk into the abyss, and I felt sheltered most of the time. I'm pretty sure these aren't just my own problems superimposed onto The Hill, because while I've changed and bantered back and forth endlessly, this opinion and attitude seems to have more just slowly solidified into fact.
It is an understatement to say that I have a lot of work to do in order to graduate. The advice well, just do what you're doing now, but do it better and be more responsible is terrible advice. Damn, I never thought of that before! Counseling didn't really work; because the counselor was an airhead. I'll be adding that to my list of Gustavus phails. I tried something else I suspected might be the solution to my academic problems, and guess what, it started working a bit. The first few days I started taking adderall, I felt like an emotionless zombie...which was a godsend, since I definitely didn't need any more emotions and independent thoughts distracting me at every turn. It's pretty relieving to sit there, mind turning pages instead of turning into Spin Art, which is what it always, always, always, does. Possibly what alcohol is to life, applied to academic life, something to take the edge off and make it tolerable. Unfortunately, a lot of my friendships have suffered because of everything written before this sentence. I've been mentally elsewhere for a long time. Not anywhere specific, just reeling. Those I wanted to cultivate I didn't (because I felt like I never had time...no one has time, but there you have it). Those I wanted to end on a great note sort of ended when I stopped playing. I could join back in when my instrument isn't so dirty but the anthem will probably be over. Also, keen observation: when everyone seems happier than you, you simply don't want to. I now have a weirdly amusing and comforting understanding of what it's like being a senior. Do you warn underclassmen? Do you just fade away and become the interesting semi-friend you hung out with once, do you tell them what they'll find out, does it just not matter at all because that's the circle of life of college.
I haven't had/found/done enough to release the creativity I used to cherish this year, like the real me has gone into stasis far too many times, and hasn't actually been present that often. I thought living with intelligent people would allow that, and to an extent it did, I was just too distracted and irresponsible to realize the potential. I've been in a cycle of trying to catch up to my life instead of actually living it. It's why I like to rave, which I've done twice this semester (appropriate)...I've said it before, but it makes me feel alive, the end. I really hope entering the real world doesn't mean imagination has to take a backseat to reality forever...I'll see where I am in five years and get back to myself on that. So, it's on to the end of the semester, and like every summer preamble, I have a persistent want for an awesome body, and it's going to be hard to get that with a crazy sleeping schedule, which I will need to have if I want to get all my ducks in a row. I'm feeling quite a bit of guilt and pressure about what I'm doing afterwards; it's a complicated scenario and hopefully I'll work a lot of it out before the end of the semester. If I can drink cactus tea once and graduate with a certain other part of my life intact, I'll be pretty happy.
The beginning of the semester was ok. I started feeling like passive aggressive sentiments with my roommate were reaching maximum capacity and a showdown was imminent, but I let off some steam in needed ways. One, I chilled with a sausage fest of "typical straight dudes" again (I have noticeably missed out on testosterone living with chicks) by drinking with my old roommate at his place. That was good but my updated look into straight dude world led me to the conclusion that many are still boring. Two, I started hangin out with a freshman chick who I like to describe as "doesn't give a fuck". I'm not exactly sure how to explain that characterization, but if you interpreted it negatively in any way, you are part of the problem. You can still not give a fuck and simultaneously give a fuck, in fact you can even give a fuckton of it. I think I just need to be around people who don't get so caught up in life they feel like they have to play by it's tiny lil rules and regulations. Otherwise I end up feeling like no one ever pushes me and like I'm slowly contracting social claustrophobia because of everything that's Bad or Wrong or Not Good. I don't know why, but I just don't like that.
Which brings me to something I've been thinking all year: I'm really not a fan of feeling like I live in two places at once. My life has felt bipolar. Too bad, given I want to specialize in foreign studies, but that's a whole nother issue. Having a boyfriend in the cities and diploma in the country isn't easy. You have to stretch to reach both, you can only use one hand to hold onto each, your arms get tired. I probably visited him too often, but I was always scared of what would happen if I didn't, and the fact I really wanted to and not be here didn't exactly help me mentally put my foot down and get ahold of myself. I've also become pretty resentful towards GAC. After four years, I don't think anyone can criticize me if I say I'm tired of people here being lame. I don't mean to bash this place, it's given me a good opportunity, but that came with the price of living in Saint Peter and amongst Gusties. Who could, on the whole, be likened to a bunch of kids from small towns playing at a giant mansion in Edina. People from Minneapolis are a world apart. People from freaking Saint Louis Park are a world apart!!! What the F@#%^!!! You can just feel it. And at least to me, it feels like lame. There are a lot of positive attributes to GAC. It tries, I like that, it's gorgeous, I like that, people are pretty conscientious, I like that. But for some reason, I will be leaving feeling that all those things are eclipsed by those which make me feel bitter. Everyone leaves, the gay community here sunk into the abyss, and I felt sheltered most of the time. I'm pretty sure these aren't just my own problems superimposed onto The Hill, because while I've changed and bantered back and forth endlessly, this opinion and attitude seems to have more just slowly solidified into fact.
It is an understatement to say that I have a lot of work to do in order to graduate. The advice well, just do what you're doing now, but do it better and be more responsible is terrible advice. Damn, I never thought of that before! Counseling didn't really work; because the counselor was an airhead. I'll be adding that to my list of Gustavus phails. I tried something else I suspected might be the solution to my academic problems, and guess what, it started working a bit. The first few days I started taking adderall, I felt like an emotionless zombie...which was a godsend, since I definitely didn't need any more emotions and independent thoughts distracting me at every turn. It's pretty relieving to sit there, mind turning pages instead of turning into Spin Art, which is what it always, always, always, does. Possibly what alcohol is to life, applied to academic life, something to take the edge off and make it tolerable. Unfortunately, a lot of my friendships have suffered because of everything written before this sentence. I've been mentally elsewhere for a long time. Not anywhere specific, just reeling. Those I wanted to cultivate I didn't (because I felt like I never had time...no one has time, but there you have it). Those I wanted to end on a great note sort of ended when I stopped playing. I could join back in when my instrument isn't so dirty but the anthem will probably be over. Also, keen observation: when everyone seems happier than you, you simply don't want to. I now have a weirdly amusing and comforting understanding of what it's like being a senior. Do you warn underclassmen? Do you just fade away and become the interesting semi-friend you hung out with once, do you tell them what they'll find out, does it just not matter at all because that's the circle of life of college.
I haven't had/found/done enough to release the creativity I used to cherish this year, like the real me has gone into stasis far too many times, and hasn't actually been present that often. I thought living with intelligent people would allow that, and to an extent it did, I was just too distracted and irresponsible to realize the potential. I've been in a cycle of trying to catch up to my life instead of actually living it. It's why I like to rave, which I've done twice this semester (appropriate)...I've said it before, but it makes me feel alive, the end. I really hope entering the real world doesn't mean imagination has to take a backseat to reality forever...I'll see where I am in five years and get back to myself on that. So, it's on to the end of the semester, and like every summer preamble, I have a persistent want for an awesome body, and it's going to be hard to get that with a crazy sleeping schedule, which I will need to have if I want to get all my ducks in a row. I'm feeling quite a bit of guilt and pressure about what I'm doing afterwards; it's a complicated scenario and hopefully I'll work a lot of it out before the end of the semester. If I can drink cactus tea once and graduate with a certain other part of my life intact, I'll be pretty happy.