(no subject)
She was sitting there, stringy blonde hair wet from the torrent outside, a white garbage bag full of clothes tied to a pair of crutches. She never said anything to me--apparently I looked unable or unwilling to help. But I was reading my Hamlet research for the girl I tutor when I heard her voice tear up; she was explaining to this other woman about getting beat up by some woman at the shelter.
I'm not stupid and I wasn't born yesterday. The tears were over the top--she was scamming. But I'd been where she was. I know what it's like to overact and exaggerate your troubles to get someone to lend you a fucking hand. I'm sure she's screwed up her life. I'm sure she's made some mistakes and needs to straighten up. It's not like I was tempted to empty my fucking bank account for her.
But Jesus Christ, it was raining bullets outside, and she was on crutches. She didn't seem high and she didn't seem like a hooker, although it sounded like maybe she wasn't too far away from that. She was talking to this dude now, about the rules at the Salvation Army. She was asking if maybe they would be willing to let her stay there past the time they turn everyone else out, since she was on crutches. The guy said he didn't know.
I just wanted to help. It was killing me, cause I didn't know how.
On my way out, I told her that I would give her a ride, if she knew where she was going. She said that she needed a phone to call the shelter and see if they would take her, but there was no payphone here. I shrugged and walked out.
Went home. Got my cellphone. Got in my car.
I drove two blocks, sat there and prayed. I knew she was a swindler, not a trustworthy person. I also knew that she was someone in a real bad situation who needed help. What I didn't know is if or how I could help her.
So I prayed; I just told God to tell me what to do and I would do it. The "answer" I seemed to get in my mind was to turn around and go home.
That was the wrong answer. I couldn't just do nothing. I couldn't stand the thought of that woman walking through the rain on crutches, of not having a place to sleep. I had to try.
So I did, and, long story short, she wasn't trying to get in touch with a shelter; she was trying to get in touch with her dealer. She wasn't even really on crutches--neither leg was casted or swollen.
So I pulled back into my driveway, and I just felt like screaming, beating on the steering wheel. I hate to be so dramatic; I don't know why she got under my skin so much. My moods are doing all kinds of crazy shit lately, ya'll know I'm batshit anyway, Lord only knows why it affected me so much.
I can't even describe what I was feeling. I was just...over-empathizing. I wanted to save her and I couldn't, because she didn't want help.
I feel a little stupid. But I had to try, I had to. I said the Serenity Prayer before I went back there; I tried to change what I could. Turns out I couldn't change anything; so it was time to accept what I couldn't change and just detach.
She was just a stranger. Thank God I don't have active addiction in my family. It would tear me apart.
Maybe God's working on that woman. I hope she finds her way.