Surrounded by nothingness…thankfully not alone…
When mamma used to talk about dying and heaven I always thought it would be more interesting…then this. Not that I’m one for adventure or anything of the sort, but this is dull and boring. Even for me.
Then again I suppose everything that’s not of the Sunnydale variety is boring once you’ve lived there.
You open your eyes here and all you see is white - for miles - maybe even infinity if there is such thing that is. It can make you feel isolated and claustrophobic at the same time. It’s quite disorienting when you first get here.
I remember I was so confused, I mean one minute I’m grinning at Willow and hinting that sex is the best part of making up after a fight and the next moment I’m here. I didn’t understand what exactly here was. I didn’t realize I was dead till I looked and mamma was standing next to me.
I still smile when I remember how she looked. She was so beautiful, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her look more happy or alive - then again with her being dead and all that makes the kind of logic that’s not - and she did something that she hadn’t done since I was seven. Smile.
The realization didn’t hit me till after, when it did it hit me like a ton of bricks.
I remember the first thing that came to mind was what I heard Anya say when I was coming back to the room when we found out that Mrs. Summers died…
I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she's…there's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore. It's stupid. It's mortal and stupid. And, and Xander's crying and not talking, and, and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch ever, and she'll never have eggs, or yawn or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why.
That’s when it hit me. I was just a body now. I’d never do all those things anymore. I’d never see Willow again, I’d never go out with Dawnie on our milkshake and movie dates. All of the mundane things that I took for granted were all snatched away from me. I’d never have them again.
Mamma took the time to explain things to me, even after all the talking I was still very confused. But I did understand some things better, she showed me that I could look and see things if I concentrated. I liked that I could do that, what I didn’t like was that I couldn’t help. I was never much with the physical - Willow said I punched like a fish - but I could help in other ways.
Now I couldn’t help at all.
I quickly found out that time moved much different here, a lot slower. Sometimes the time would move so slowly that I thought I would go out of my mind - again - just standing and watching.
It was hard watching the first rip through all of my friends like that and not be able to help. It was even harder watching Willow move on with that potential, Kennedy.
But I was happy, I am happy for her. Nothing would ever change that. I’d always want Willow happy, even when we first started dating I thought she was going to go back to Oz. As much as I would have been upset is just how much I wanted her to be with whomever she wanted to be with. Whoever made her happiest.
Kennedy was now the one that made Willow happy, made her smile, made her freckles pop out when she was embarrassed. It hurt that I couldn’t be with her, but it was nice to know that she was happy.
The hardest time I had was watching everyone go into battle and be totally helpless to do anything. I remember I just sat and watched silently, tears running down my face and hoping that Willow and everyone I loved would be ok. As much as I missed them I didn’t want to see them here anytime soon.
I saw Anya die, I saw Xander looking for her and my heart broke for them. They were so perfect for each other, so in love, they’ll never have that chance. I set on a mission to find Anya and help her like mamma helped me.
I never found her and I feared that she ended up…in that other place.
Thankfully - well not that it’s good he died but it’s good that he and I found each other - I managed to find Spike after the big battle.
We stayed close together up here, which was odd because we had never really spent time together in Sunnydale, now we stuck to each other like we should have hung onto life.
One thing I’m glad about is that I finally started to get to know him, and with the soul now it was different, like I was seeing what others never got a chance to see. I really liked spending time with him…
Spike nudged me with his foot and I jumped out of my thoughts, smiling I looked over at him, my mind going back to what we were doing. “Give me…two cards.”
[Open to Spike]
Then again I suppose everything that’s not of the Sunnydale variety is boring once you’ve lived there.
You open your eyes here and all you see is white - for miles - maybe even infinity if there is such thing that is. It can make you feel isolated and claustrophobic at the same time. It’s quite disorienting when you first get here.
I remember I was so confused, I mean one minute I’m grinning at Willow and hinting that sex is the best part of making up after a fight and the next moment I’m here. I didn’t understand what exactly here was. I didn’t realize I was dead till I looked and mamma was standing next to me.
I still smile when I remember how she looked. She was so beautiful, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her look more happy or alive - then again with her being dead and all that makes the kind of logic that’s not - and she did something that she hadn’t done since I was seven. Smile.
The realization didn’t hit me till after, when it did it hit me like a ton of bricks.
I remember the first thing that came to mind was what I heard Anya say when I was coming back to the room when we found out that Mrs. Summers died…
I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she's…there's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore. It's stupid. It's mortal and stupid. And, and Xander's crying and not talking, and, and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch ever, and she'll never have eggs, or yawn or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why.
That’s when it hit me. I was just a body now. I’d never do all those things anymore. I’d never see Willow again, I’d never go out with Dawnie on our milkshake and movie dates. All of the mundane things that I took for granted were all snatched away from me. I’d never have them again.
Mamma took the time to explain things to me, even after all the talking I was still very confused. But I did understand some things better, she showed me that I could look and see things if I concentrated. I liked that I could do that, what I didn’t like was that I couldn’t help. I was never much with the physical - Willow said I punched like a fish - but I could help in other ways.
Now I couldn’t help at all.
I quickly found out that time moved much different here, a lot slower. Sometimes the time would move so slowly that I thought I would go out of my mind - again - just standing and watching.
It was hard watching the first rip through all of my friends like that and not be able to help. It was even harder watching Willow move on with that potential, Kennedy.
But I was happy, I am happy for her. Nothing would ever change that. I’d always want Willow happy, even when we first started dating I thought she was going to go back to Oz. As much as I would have been upset is just how much I wanted her to be with whomever she wanted to be with. Whoever made her happiest.
Kennedy was now the one that made Willow happy, made her smile, made her freckles pop out when she was embarrassed. It hurt that I couldn’t be with her, but it was nice to know that she was happy.
The hardest time I had was watching everyone go into battle and be totally helpless to do anything. I remember I just sat and watched silently, tears running down my face and hoping that Willow and everyone I loved would be ok. As much as I missed them I didn’t want to see them here anytime soon.
I saw Anya die, I saw Xander looking for her and my heart broke for them. They were so perfect for each other, so in love, they’ll never have that chance. I set on a mission to find Anya and help her like mamma helped me.
I never found her and I feared that she ended up…in that other place.
Thankfully - well not that it’s good he died but it’s good that he and I found each other - I managed to find Spike after the big battle.
We stayed close together up here, which was odd because we had never really spent time together in Sunnydale, now we stuck to each other like we should have hung onto life.
One thing I’m glad about is that I finally started to get to know him, and with the soul now it was different, like I was seeing what others never got a chance to see. I really liked spending time with him…
Spike nudged me with his foot and I jumped out of my thoughts, smiling I looked over at him, my mind going back to what we were doing. “Give me…two cards.”
[Open to Spike]