(no subject)
Last thing I remember was supporting myself against the bathroom cabinet, staring plainly at the grooves in the carpet. Nick's on the phone, and he's telling me to find some water and sleep it off. I'm slipping away slowly as I drop the phone, and knowing that it was all too much, but I imbibed all the more.The first time in a long time that I didn't care, that I didn't think too much. I introduced myself, and mingled; I made all the right impressions and then some. That I was quite fond of it all, but not taken by it. It made me think of the Radiohead song "Fitter, Happier". That those lyrics have finally become something poignant to me, perhaps almost full-circle. Knowing in my heart of hearts that there are plenty things that I don't mind or that I guess I like alright, but none of them evoke any visceral feeling.That I remain indifferent about most things. The people and things that I am most passionate about are apparently not good for me, or so it seems."Fond, but not in love". I should be happier, and I'm not. The one in pursuit of me: is nice, funny, reliable, cool, and even attractive, but I simply have no true desire towards him, perhaps other than a friendship. I won't allow myself anything more. Remembering that I don't date. Wishing he'd stop always trying to pay for things, so maybe I wouldn't feel so awkward at the end of the night. That I try to not look him in the eyes when we say goodbyes, for fear of the impending goodnight kiss.That his friends have already divulged to me everything that he won't say, and what exactly he intends on doing. That he talks about me a lot, and that he thinks I look like Uma Thurman, and that he can't get enough of my scent.Of course it's flattering, but I don't feel involved.I would not want to string anyone along, and I don't find myself feeling passionate about him.I don't see myself kissing him madly, or looking all doe-eyed at the very thought of him. I feel like a criminal when he buys me things, waiting for the day when he wants to get what he paid for.Maybe I've got this all wrong. Maybe I need something safe like that, but isn't that just settling?