ashtray girl
The past couple of days I have felt every type of human emotion in extremities. I think it's just because alot of times I am just way too laid-back when it comes to how I truly feel. I tend to be passive aggressive, and mostly reserve things only to purge it all in some odd manner. Sometimes it's just so hard to just explain to people what I really need or want, I mean as far as actual speaking and dialogue goes. If I spill my guts on paper, I can always go back and erase what I don't like or deem as being reasonable or rational. I always screen, edit, censor, or downplay alot of what I say. I don't like stepping on toes, or causing problems. Almost anytime that I have been brutally honest with someone they are instantly taken aback, because they didn't expect that, because it's not in my nature to want to point out every fault. Forever diplomatic, and always trying to mediate situations without offending any party. It's a hard pill to swallow sometimes, taking the less chaotic route. The what ifs constantly resonate in my mind. If I could just learn to convey everything in a tactful way, that'd be great. The thing of it is: Not everything that needs to be said is nice, neat or polite. I can't always just conceal anger or deep hurt, just to accomodate everybody else. Sometimes you just have to serve yourself, because real life isn't always eqipped with safety nets, life-savers, or "pillars of strength". They just don't seem to exist.