On the 3rd day of Christmas my santa revealed to me: the fact that she could not wri~ite! 1/2cfud_anonDecember 16 2009, 11:56:58 UTC
Merlin does not love Arthur.
Merlin washes Arthur’s dirty socks, polishes his armor, hammers out the dents in his shield, cleans his room, brings him his food, mucks out his stables, and just about everything else you’d expect a grown man to be able to do on his own. He doesn’t do it willingly, but he is resigned to it for now. He puts up with Arthur’s taunts (most of the time) and gives back as good as he gets. They have an easy banter that seems to come naturally, and Merlin once catches himself thinking that he actually enjoys it. Despite the fact that the prince is a gigantic prat beyond a shadow of a doubt, he finds that it doesn’t bother him anymore when Arthur calls him an idiot offhandedly. The word has been bandied about between them so often that it’s ceased to have any meaning. Or maybe it’s not that, but that the meaning has changed. Maybe it’s just his imagination, but Merlin likes to think privately that in those moments, Arthur’s voice is even a little affectionate. Maybe, he thinks, Arthur is just so emotionally stunted from his upbringing that it’s impossible for him to say anything nice without insulting him at the same time.
Merlin thinks entirely too much, really, and at the end of the day, even at the end of a really long day when he's saved Arthur's bloody life for the hundredth time, Arthur is still a gigantic prat to him. So no, Merlin does not love Arthur.
Merlin rides off on many a dangerous expedition with Arthur, sometimes with a pointy stick to defend himself with if he’s lucky, but often he isn’t. And yet somehow, despite his complaining, he never feels unsafe. It’s not because he can defend himself with magic-- that much is actually more cause for concern than reassuring, most days, because with magic also comes the risk of being found out, and that scenario is one that Merlin certainly doesn’t feel ready for yet. No, it’s because he trusts Arthur. He may have saved Arthur’s life many times, but Arthur has also saved Merlin’s nearly just as many, so when Arthur says something stupid like “Let’s take a short cut through a dark cave where there are nests of beasts waiting to eat us,” Merlin agrees, because it’s Arthur saying it. He also never feels more distinctly like the girl Arthur mocks him for when he has thoughts like this. And then he silently resents Arthur for making him feel like it's a bad thing to trust that the future king is actually marginally competent. What an idiot. So no, Merlin does not love Arthur.
On the 3rd day of Christmas my santa revealed to me: the fact that she could not wri~ite! 2/2cfud_anonDecember 16 2009, 11:57:10 UTC
Merlin often wonders why it is that, if he feels safe with Arthur, if he trusts Arthur, why doesn’t he just tell him the truth? He hates to admit it, but Will really hit the nail on the head. You can’t trust a man with your life and… not, at the same time. You either do or you don’t. And it’s not like there haven’t been plenty of opportunities. And really, logically, he knows that the longer he puts it off, the worse that conversation is going to be in the end, because Merlin knows Arthur, and Merlin has run a thousand and one scenarios of that conversation through his head to date already. He really wants to tell him more than anything. So why can’t he do it? Then it comes to him one day, just like that as he’s darning a sock (an extremely useful skill he hadn’t known how to do until recently, thank you Gwen), that it isn’t because he doesn’t trust Arthur. Well, okay, sometimes it is. When Arthur says things like “Thank you, Merlin, for reminding me how dangerous sorcerers are,” it definitely is. But it changes from day to day like Arthur’s moods (or rather, because of Arthur’s moods) and most of the days, it’s not. He’s not afraid of the chopping block from Arthur any more; they’ve been through too much for that. It’s more because, Merlin realizes, he’s afraid of what it would mean for the tentative friendship they’ve built up. Even if he took the news well-- unlikely-- Merlin wonders if Arthur would ever be able to trust him again.
Merlin doesn’t need Arthur’s trust or friendship to protect him (most of the time, anyway), but in a startling moment of clarity he realizes he wants it anyway. That’s why he can grit his teeth through all the stupid chores, and why throw himself in harms’ way for Arthur time and time again-- not because of his destiny, or because he’ll be the best damn king Camelot will ever see, although those are factors. It’s because, in spite of everything, they’re friends.
Merlin washes Arthur’s dirty socks, polishes his armor, hammers out the dents in his shield, cleans his room, brings him his food, mucks out his stables, and just about everything else you’d expect a grown man to be able to do on his own. He doesn’t do it willingly, but he is resigned to it for now. He puts up with Arthur’s taunts (most of the time) and gives back as good as he gets. They have an easy banter that seems to come naturally, and Merlin once catches himself thinking that he actually enjoys it. Despite the fact that the prince is a gigantic prat beyond a shadow of a doubt, he finds that it doesn’t bother him anymore when Arthur calls him an idiot offhandedly. The word has been bandied about between them so often that it’s ceased to have any meaning. Or maybe it’s not that, but that the meaning has changed. Maybe it’s just his imagination, but Merlin likes to think privately that in those moments, Arthur’s voice is even a little affectionate. Maybe, he thinks, Arthur is just so emotionally stunted from his upbringing that it’s impossible for him to say anything nice without insulting him at the same time.
Merlin thinks entirely too much, really, and at the end of the day, even at the end of a really long day when he's saved Arthur's bloody life for the hundredth time, Arthur is still a gigantic prat to him. So no, Merlin does not love Arthur.
Merlin rides off on many a dangerous expedition with Arthur, sometimes with a pointy stick to defend himself with if he’s lucky, but often he isn’t. And yet somehow, despite his complaining, he never feels unsafe. It’s not because he can defend himself with magic-- that much is actually more cause for concern than reassuring, most days, because with magic also comes the risk of being found out, and that scenario is one that Merlin certainly doesn’t feel ready for yet. No, it’s because he trusts Arthur. He may have saved Arthur’s life many times, but Arthur has also saved Merlin’s nearly just as many, so when Arthur says something stupid like “Let’s take a short cut through a dark cave where there are nests of beasts waiting to eat us,” Merlin agrees, because it’s Arthur saying it. He also never feels more distinctly like the girl Arthur mocks him for when he has thoughts like this. And then he silently resents Arthur for making him feel like it's a bad thing to trust that the future king is actually marginally competent. What an idiot. So no, Merlin does not love Arthur.
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Merlin often wonders why it is that, if he feels safe with Arthur, if he trusts Arthur, why doesn’t he just tell him the truth? He hates to admit it, but Will really hit the nail on the head. You can’t trust a man with your life and… not, at the same time. You either do or you don’t. And it’s not like there haven’t been plenty of opportunities. And really, logically, he knows that the longer he puts it off, the worse that conversation is going to be in the end, because Merlin knows Arthur, and Merlin has run a thousand and one scenarios of that conversation through his head to date already. He really wants to tell him more than anything. So why can’t he do it? Then it comes to him one day, just like that as he’s darning a sock (an extremely useful skill he hadn’t known how to do until recently, thank you Gwen), that it isn’t because he doesn’t trust Arthur. Well, okay, sometimes it is. When Arthur says things like “Thank you, Merlin, for reminding me how dangerous sorcerers are,” it definitely is. But it changes from day to day like Arthur’s moods (or rather, because of Arthur’s moods) and most of the days, it’s not. He’s not afraid of the chopping block from Arthur any more; they’ve been through too much for that. It’s more because, Merlin realizes, he’s afraid of what it would mean for the tentative friendship they’ve built up. Even if he took the news well-- unlikely-- Merlin wonders if Arthur would ever be able to trust him again.
Merlin doesn’t need Arthur’s trust or friendship to protect him (most of the time, anyway), but in a startling moment of clarity he realizes he wants it anyway. That’s why he can grit his teeth through all the stupid chores, and why throw himself in harms’ way for Arthur time and time again-- not because of his destiny, or because he’ll be the best damn king Camelot will ever see, although those are factors. It’s because, in spite of everything, they’re friends.
So no, Merlin does not love Arthur.
Or at least, so he continues to tell himself.
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you can so write.
i.
wow. ♥♥♥ Best Christmas ever
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