First post -- welcome to my black hearted centre of doom!
Heh. Hi >P
Despite all my depression, I’m going to try and make things a little more centered at seriously figuring things out by constructively questioning things in here. Instead of my usual "OMG YOU SUCK" internal bitching in my usual style back at my other journal.
... I don’t consider this a journal change. There will be no "HAH QUIZ POSTS" or "OMG hide I’m worried that we fucked up on this in the mag" posts here.
If I got a question about something.. I’ll explore it here.
So if you haven't figured out whom I am because I posted myself as female...
Well than that’s your fault :P I don’t even have jrock icons in my repertoire on here!
Well I guess I should do a little bit of exploring on here. I'm now 24; the birthday present to myself is a journal I can make myself a little better with. 24 and still not constructively bringing myself a new light, and a better attitude...nah instead I kinda binge-bought junk shit to eat because I wasn't in a good mood. Thank god it wasn't alcohol :P I’m in a bad enough mood as it is *nervous laugh*
Y'know I think I should start on exploring the one thing that got me into this mess in the first place. I usually go by 'male' around everywhere because that’s what I thought I was internally. And you know, maybe I still am, I just have a few questions laying around my dusty swirly closet of mine. I started asking myself more questions in derogatory manners lately, and I believe that attacked my soul hardcore.
I'm a firm believer in ploughing forth without knowing shit for squat about what I want :P
Thus for 9 years now, I’ve ploughed ahead with pleasing people and being a female, and ploughed for a year towards trying to change that. I’m taking a mini-internal break -- and trying to figure out if this is all real and it's all true.
I have a semi-girlfriend whom I fear for her mental health when I’m around and in a bad mood. She's psychic, and powerful enough I’ll engulf her in a mass-tizzy if I don’t seriously be careful. Semi is to the fact I have to see what I want with myself before I can go further.
Do I believe I’m male? I'm not sure; there is no hardcore proof in this.
I mean I really seriously can’t say wether I do or not, because alot of the people that matter to me when I ask things like this would say no. Would say that I’m just confused and such.
Or worse, but those complaints are for my other journal :P
Bringing myself up to date with my life is a really hard task considering I have a clouded vision of myself and others probably due to my attitude, my anger and a lot of other things. My attention deficit usually plays a card in deciding what is wrong with me and it gets frustrating when it's the easiest excuse in the book.
Expressing myself artistically can make things much worse since I don't always believe my poetry and songs are always entirely my physical feelings or not. Maybe they are maybe they aren’t. That's why I have exploration points.
Pondering is bad, yes. Lol. I get your point hide.
But when a girl realizes she has a few issues she needs to take into stride and stop blinking blankly into a mirror and screaming "WHO AM I" (Which I did two years ago nearly.) instead, I need to stop a moment in-between working -- and in-between being me.. And see what needs to be fixed.
I have to fix everything, and I have to make sure I’m ok.
Atop fixing everyone else.. and making everyone else ok.
And then hiding and sulking in my corner when I’m not ok.
Which is really bad, because I’ve considerably made a rift between many of us in the last five days. I feel like udder crap, but there isn't a whole lot I can say to fix this since it really is my fault.
I don’t like it when I feel dead inside.
Hmm, I guess I don’t have any answers out of this .. And I might need to just cool down and let my junk food settle lol.
Despite all my depression, I’m going to try and make things a little more centered at seriously figuring things out by constructively questioning things in here. Instead of my usual "OMG YOU SUCK" internal bitching in my usual style back at my other journal.
... I don’t consider this a journal change. There will be no "HAH QUIZ POSTS" or "OMG hide I’m worried that we fucked up on this in the mag" posts here.
If I got a question about something.. I’ll explore it here.
So if you haven't figured out whom I am because I posted myself as female...
Well than that’s your fault :P I don’t even have jrock icons in my repertoire on here!
Well I guess I should do a little bit of exploring on here. I'm now 24; the birthday present to myself is a journal I can make myself a little better with. 24 and still not constructively bringing myself a new light, and a better attitude...nah instead I kinda binge-bought junk shit to eat because I wasn't in a good mood. Thank god it wasn't alcohol :P I’m in a bad enough mood as it is *nervous laugh*
Y'know I think I should start on exploring the one thing that got me into this mess in the first place. I usually go by 'male' around everywhere because that’s what I thought I was internally. And you know, maybe I still am, I just have a few questions laying around my dusty swirly closet of mine. I started asking myself more questions in derogatory manners lately, and I believe that attacked my soul hardcore.
I'm a firm believer in ploughing forth without knowing shit for squat about what I want :P
Thus for 9 years now, I’ve ploughed ahead with pleasing people and being a female, and ploughed for a year towards trying to change that. I’m taking a mini-internal break -- and trying to figure out if this is all real and it's all true.
I have a semi-girlfriend whom I fear for her mental health when I’m around and in a bad mood. She's psychic, and powerful enough I’ll engulf her in a mass-tizzy if I don’t seriously be careful. Semi is to the fact I have to see what I want with myself before I can go further.
Do I believe I’m male? I'm not sure; there is no hardcore proof in this.
I mean I really seriously can’t say wether I do or not, because alot of the people that matter to me when I ask things like this would say no. Would say that I’m just confused and such.
Or worse, but those complaints are for my other journal :P
Bringing myself up to date with my life is a really hard task considering I have a clouded vision of myself and others probably due to my attitude, my anger and a lot of other things. My attention deficit usually plays a card in deciding what is wrong with me and it gets frustrating when it's the easiest excuse in the book.
Expressing myself artistically can make things much worse since I don't always believe my poetry and songs are always entirely my physical feelings or not. Maybe they are maybe they aren’t. That's why I have exploration points.
Pondering is bad, yes. Lol. I get your point hide.
But when a girl realizes she has a few issues she needs to take into stride and stop blinking blankly into a mirror and screaming "WHO AM I" (Which I did two years ago nearly.) instead, I need to stop a moment in-between working -- and in-between being me.. And see what needs to be fixed.
I have to fix everything, and I have to make sure I’m ok.
Atop fixing everyone else.. and making everyone else ok.
And then hiding and sulking in my corner when I’m not ok.
Which is really bad, because I’ve considerably made a rift between many of us in the last five days. I feel like udder crap, but there isn't a whole lot I can say to fix this since it really is my fault.
I don’t like it when I feel dead inside.
Hmm, I guess I don’t have any answers out of this .. And I might need to just cool down and let my junk food settle lol.