(no subject)
at this point it's just a mish mash of concentrated issues .. as much as i wanted to stay in my happy mood i got myself into :) ... i came back to one thing. I guess part of my issue is i have people pulling each arm right now, i have people going "Come on justin! YOU CAN DO IT! ... You can get the strength you can pull yourself up and do this." i have others going "You can do that, but how about you move to LA with me, i can help you with your ADHD... and maybe you'll feel better" .. and i have others going "You need to get your ADHD sorted, you need a job... you need this you need that."
... and right now, right now... i need to focus on setting my own mind
at ease, and it's been very VERY hard to do it when i don't know how my
mother would react if i finally told the truth. I don't want to be
talked into something i don't want, my mother is very VERY good at
giving me all the sides and convincing me what's good and what's bad.
Though she does that out of the kindness of her heart, she is very
OVERPROTECTIVE still and since i just turned 24.. it's like "I love you
mom, but my heart wants me to tell you i cant really stand it here, i
can't stand lying to you."
I want to at least get on the testosterone, i suppose that's the thing
with me.. is i may not know until i finally get that stuff swirling
through my veins.
I listen too much to other people and i rely a lot of the time on what
people think, and say about what i am. To this day I'm only starting to
get a handful of on line friends who believe me to be a guy. On the
other hand, some of the people i want to tell, are ones that could make
me feel like i want to turn the tides and quit this journey for fear
they'll throw a head gasket. And thats close family. I grew up in a
fundamentalist church -- charismatic and happy and dancing and clapping
-- almost to their own undoing i suppose. I don't really have a religion
because of all this, i know it's possible to go back and tell a church
I'm trans-- but I've been burnt so bad by the American churches that i
think I'll just stick to being nice and treat people with respect.
Yea i almost wanted to call my friend Kasey and go "look hon, i know
this may come as a surprise to you, but I'm in the process of really
mentally transitioning-- that I'm taking a step to find out really who i
am." she's my best friend, and was nearly like my sister for the last
damn ten years now... LONGER to be truthful.. it's been like since
90'/91' we've known each other. But she has connections to my godfather,
and my dad -- and my mom -- I'm paranoid she'll tell someone. I'm
paranoid about a lot of people lately.
I just wish my mother wouldn't put this bubble wrap
overt-society-protection around me. I realize i can make stupid
financial mistakes... but in the end to be happy i might just have to leave?
anyways heh..
i'm really sorry for blathering on here..
i should keep that for my journal.
-- Justin. (the idiot formerley known as ryan)
---
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... and right now, right now... i need to focus on setting my own mind
at ease, and it's been very VERY hard to do it when i don't know how my
mother would react if i finally told the truth. I don't want to be
talked into something i don't want, my mother is very VERY good at
giving me all the sides and convincing me what's good and what's bad.
Though she does that out of the kindness of her heart, she is very
OVERPROTECTIVE still and since i just turned 24.. it's like "I love you
mom, but my heart wants me to tell you i cant really stand it here, i
can't stand lying to you."
I want to at least get on the testosterone, i suppose that's the thing
with me.. is i may not know until i finally get that stuff swirling
through my veins.
I listen too much to other people and i rely a lot of the time on what
people think, and say about what i am. To this day I'm only starting to
get a handful of on line friends who believe me to be a guy. On the
other hand, some of the people i want to tell, are ones that could make
me feel like i want to turn the tides and quit this journey for fear
they'll throw a head gasket. And thats close family. I grew up in a
fundamentalist church -- charismatic and happy and dancing and clapping
-- almost to their own undoing i suppose. I don't really have a religion
because of all this, i know it's possible to go back and tell a church
I'm trans-- but I've been burnt so bad by the American churches that i
think I'll just stick to being nice and treat people with respect.
Yea i almost wanted to call my friend Kasey and go "look hon, i know
this may come as a surprise to you, but I'm in the process of really
mentally transitioning-- that I'm taking a step to find out really who i
am." she's my best friend, and was nearly like my sister for the last
damn ten years now... LONGER to be truthful.. it's been like since
90'/91' we've known each other. But she has connections to my godfather,
and my dad -- and my mom -- I'm paranoid she'll tell someone. I'm
paranoid about a lot of people lately.
I just wish my mother wouldn't put this bubble wrap
overt-society-protection around me. I realize i can make stupid
financial mistakes... but in the end to be happy i might just have to leave?
anyways heh..
i'm really sorry for blathering on here..
i should keep that for my journal.
-- Justin. (the idiot formerley known as ryan)
---
avast! Antivirus: Outbound message clean.
Virus Database (VPS): 000707-0, 27/01/2007
Tested on: 27/01/2007 8:11:44 p.m.
avast! - copyright (c) 1988-2007 ALWIL Software.
http://www.avast.com